Monday, June 17, 2013
Today marks the end of a weekend that saw all three of my daughters graduate. My youngest graduated 6th grade, my middle daughter from high school (as senior speaker no less), and my eldest from college with her AA degree. All three graduated with honors and I couldn't be more proud.
Now here comes the flood. I have been trying very, very hard to stymie the pain of their fragmented family. Times like these are so awkward anyway, but throw in the fact that it was my ex husband's visitation weekend, as well as father's day, and as a result I found myself sitting separate from my children at each of these ceremonies. I tried hard not to let on that it was bothering me, but it was. Muchly. I find myself sitting on my couch trying to decompress, and all I seem to want to do is cry. They all achieved in spite of horrible circumstances, but we are so fragmented now. My eldest lives with a family from church who embodies her ideal nuclear family. They fill a desperate void for her, and I am grateful for them, but it's as if she's forsaken the rest of us. My middle child has been living with her father and his new wife for the last two years in order to finish high school. I couldn't live in that house anymore, so I gave it to him in the divorce. But I lost custody of her in the process. She's been such a busy teenager that we haven't spent a lot of quality time together. Last time she slept over was at Christmas. I do have my youngest, and she and I have a great relationship, but she cries a lot, grieving the many losses she has sustained over the past several years.
I can't fix anything that's already happened, and I know that. All I can do is make decisions today that help her and I to both be happy and healthy. I'm out of school now for the summer and I am planning to focus wholly on the both of us. I have big plans for gardening with her, riding bikes, taking classes and doing fun things. I think I will give myself another 30 minutes to be sad about this, and then it's time to start anew.