WARNING... anger alert!
I am so pissed off today! I took a hard fall last week, right at the beginning of the week. I had a seriously emo week too, and even though I didn't record all my food, and I wasn't able to work out. I still did not go all out and pig-out on everything.
So then I step on the scale this morning, my regular weigh in day and the same 7 lbs I lose the week before, is back... it's like that week never even happened! Grrr! I am so pissed off cause I worked so darn hard!
Please forgive the mood I am in, I am just so pissed! I guess the question is am I pissed enough to do something about it?
Well, at first I wasn't anything more than a ball of emotion with lots of tears... then came the anger... I am tired of the thought that I will be spending the rest of my life never being able to let my guard down with my body. Every calorie I eat finds a nice comfortable place on my thighs or stomach... it's so unfair and I am so pissed off because it's so unfair.
LOL What is fair? WaaWaa... I know, I know!
Will I ever be able to live a normal life?
I guess the thing I have not truly committed to is that THIS is normal for me. It's going to be MY normal for the rest of my life. The questions are many? Have I really accepted that I will do this for life if I want to be thin, healthy, and happy? Have I accepted that there are things I will never be able to consume the rest of my life? Am I ready to make these decisions?
I think that is the reality I have to face.
Another reality is the why? Why am I doing this? It used to be for my relationship, my marriage, my child, myself. However, my relationships don't care anymore, if they ever did, my husband says he does, but he is nothing but a cheerleader. My son is still very important to me, but he does not want the same things he used to, he is almost a teen, and mom is just boring.
That leaves me... I spent a year being proud that ME was the reason I did all of this, then I let ME down... so now why bother?
Fake it till you make it...
Not sure I can anymore, at least when you fake it, you have found a reason, I think I am having a problem faking it cause I fell like I no longer have a reason.
WOW, I am really down today...
Forgive me for being so low.
I only know one thing right now:
I am not finished fighting...
I am not giving up...
I will find the reason I need...
I will keep reaching for my dreams...