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    BASSAI_DAI   8,976
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Cobblestones


Sunday, June 16, 2013

When I was a kid, we would play that game, "speak on a crack, break your mama's back" where we would skip from one whole concrete slab to the next, not letting our feet touch the cracks between. The game would get more challenging on flagstone paths, and in cities that used even smaller stones for there walk ways, the game was even fun. Sometimes the struggle to lose weight feels like those cobblestone paths, only a shift in the weather has rendered the stones covered in ice, and the fun is just...gone. Maybe the gamification of weight loss is what can make it successful. This website certainly uses it. Still, its tiring, only progressing one stone forward at a time.

So, here is a little bit of my story. I grew up in Colorado, near the Rockies, with an extremely fit and "health" focused family. My father, at 55, still runs up and down mountains then goes home and does various artist/construction/invention physical labor like redoing the basement for the fifth time or carving marble (seriously). My sister is a backpacking, running, lifting, racing, yogi. My mother's whole family are either doing endurance bike races, or skiing. My mother averages about 50 miles a week on her bike in addition to many, many running miles and elliptical "miles." I have NEVER kept up with any of them. I still have hope that I will some day.

According to the string of medical professionals I've described the situation to, my mother is anorexic and struggles with depression. I hesitate to say this, because I'm really, really trying to find my own path that allows me to separate her issues from mine. I would love to hear from anyone who has a similar experience. One of biggest forward moving cobblestone moments was when I realized that I wasn't eating to rebel (though there was some of that) as much much as I was trying feed/sooth her or the part of myself that was her, while trying to insulate myself from her pain. And one of the stranger things about being fat, is a part of me really is starving both physically from not have the right nutrients and emotionally because I'm shielding myself from emotional pain. Which, in turn, could explain why some people, myself included probably have trouble posting for the first time on this site.

Now, I'm going back to Colorado for two weeks. My challenge will be getting enough calories to keep me from binging like mad when I get home. I'd love any advice anyone out there has.

Thanks for listening.
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