Sunday, June 16, 2013
Over the last couple of years I'd had an increasing frequency of odd and worrying symptoms. The worst was increasing severity and frequency of racing heart and heart palpitations. There were other symptoms that I didn't initially connect (imagine if every hormone in your body got set on "Random"). Eventually, after 6 specialists, I got sent to the right place...an endocrinologist.
I had an overactive node in my thyroid. We 'burned it out' with radiation therapy but it also slightly damaged my thyroid function so I am now HYPOthyroid and have to be on medicine for the rest of my life. In the 6 months since radiation, I've gained 20 lbs!
We've now stabilized my condition and gotten (hopefully) the right medication and now I can pick up the pieces and move on.
The weight. Not good. And depressing. And Frustrating!!! But it's a known side effect.
What's frustrating is that it just became more difficult by an order of magnitude to loose weight or get fit. Hypothyroidism slows your metabolism AND causes depression AND causes interference with your ability to burn fat by a mechanism they can track but can't explain. (Some guesses are leptin interference, insulin interference, or increased inability to process gluten.)
So. A long hard uphill track. And I'm pissed. But... this is reality. I'm alive, I'm otherwise healthy. This ordeal is over. I'm now stable and I'm getting treatment that may mitigate about half the damage. (i.e. I'll probably loose 10 lbs now that I'm on meds.)
Time to quit whining and put on my big girl pants.
But the additional depression SUCKS! I already had been dealing with this always but I can FEEL how hard this is hitting. Fortunately, the medicine will help with that, too. AND time to get on the anti-depressants. (I'd been OFF because I'd been good for a while.)
OK, so the GOOD parts....
1 I KNOW how to do this! I've gotten fit and lost weight and been down this path and was getting GOOD at it! (Before the odd symptoms.)
2 Not all of my good habits have disappeared. They were a bit subsumed by distraction, depression and self-pity, but now that I've picked up again they are coming back easier than I thought.
3 I still have my muscles! Even though I've lost some muscle mass from not working out, it's not ALL gone. I am in MUCH better shape than I was the last time I was at this weight. I have more strength and more energy.
4 I still have the skill-sets I learned the first time around. I know HOW to eat right, exercise right and live right. I know what it FEELS like to live healthy.
5 I get, on a deep-down, gut level how good it feels when I exercise and eat right. I'm not just pushing myself hard for some hoped-for payoff. I'm just getting back the energy that is RIGHTFULLY MINE!
6 There is a difference between 'believing' I can do this and KNOWING I can do this. This isn't just me hyping myself up. This is REMEMBERING how it was done. I can't even explain how much stronger this is for motivation. It's like riding a bike. You KNOW you can because you HAVE!
7 There is a small satisfaction that this isn't my fault. That the thyroidism just happened and now I'll just deal with it. I didn't just turn into a lazy quitter overnight and gain 20 pounds. I went through something. It was hard. Now it's over. Now I can fix it.
I'm still not ready to move my weight counter and start over on this site. Right now that feels like a negation of my previous progress. But soon I will. And I've started food tracking again today.
I WILL get back to where I was!
I WILL go further and get to my goal weight.
I WILL meet my fitness goals for the year.
I WILL regain my health, my youth and my beauty.
I've done it before and I'll do it again.