Well today is the 15th and we are officially halfway through the month of June. So far, it's been a pretty good month. I mean, it has not been perfect... I have had a few food related"relapses"; last night probably being the worst of them. When I came home from work, I was exhausted. I fell asleep and woke up at midnight. Now wide awake and home alone (my husband is away for 2 weeks for work) I found myself bored and anxious and mindlessly eating more calories than I care to add up. :-/ -It was a big blow, especially since my second weigh in is tomorrow, but I am not down for the count! -not even close!
This journey really is new territory for me, in that I have never before attempted a weight loss plan that focuses primarily on my mindset and rebuilding myself from the inside out. Only time will tell how effective this method is in getting fat off of my body, but so far, it feels right and I think it's what I've needed all of my life. In my old mindset, what happened last night would have ruined me. It would have caused me to not go to the gym today and to just sit home and hate myself for messing up. -but today, I have my sneakers on and I'm ready to go and feel pumped and positive. I have had too many good days so far to let this get me down.
Other thoughts this week:
"You must love yourself first"
You know it's funny, I always thought this just applied to lovers (you can't expect someone to love you, if you don't love yourself), but it's just as true with weight loss. I have hated myself for far too long. I don't know how I ever truly expected to see results in the past when I never actually believed I was worth fighting for..
This morning I was going through a folder on my desktop with a bunch of pictures from the phone I had recently replaced.
Last summer, I had got down to about 270lbs but something happened in the early Fall that just triggered a dark emotional state in my mind. Some might refer to it as a "quarter-life crisis". It was like out of nowhere I suddenly felt depressed, uncertain, and just not in control of my life, despite any progress I had started to make with my weight. It blindsided and nearly crippled me.
So I'm looking through the pictures I have taken in the past year and I feel so sad for myself. In an attempt to feel as though I had some control through this crazy period of my life, I had bleached my hair, and dyed it so frequently, that I nearly burned it off my head. What kills me is that it had taken me years to grow out long hair and to get back to my natural color and I destroyed that, all because I couldn't look in a mirror and like myself.
50 SHADES OF CRAY! -Ha!
I look at these pictures that I took of myself and I remember when they were taken and thinking "Ew, you're a troll!"
I look at them now, and I think "Well clearly I was not in the best mental state, but I wasn't ugly. -Why couldn't I see that then?"
I don't know...I guess I'm sharing all of this to serve as a reminder to myself and to anyone else who struggles with loving the person they see in photos or in the mirror that, you might be heavy, (and in my case have a big double chin that you hate!), but you are beautiful. -and beauty has nothing to do with weight.
I have created the following mantra for myself to remind me of this:
I am beautiful TODAY and one day others won't be able to shut up about it.
Now off to the gym for me!