#136 - Learning to Love Me.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
This post is going to be a bit personal. It's going to highlight the not-so-wonderful aspects of who I am as a person. It's a tough post to write, but it's time I come clean with myself. I'm hoping writing it out as well as hearing support and suggestions will help me. Here goes:
I have a lot of self-hatred; I feel like I'm worthless. Feeling this way breeds lack of confidence about who I am and how I look. I let others opinions about me matter. All of this has been holding me back from a lot -- finding a new job as well as having healthy relationships with my boyfriend and myself.
For two years, I have worked as a administrative assistant. Every day, I have hated it. Being in the construction industry, there's not a lot of work which leaves me bored out of my mind for 40 hours each week. What's sad is that I'm a hard worker, I have a BA in History with a certificate in Art History, and I'd be a value to any company. The problem? I don't believe in myself and no company is ever going to hire a person like that.
I have been with BJ for almost five years. We've been through SO much -- lots of ups and downs. Even though he'd never, I've accused him of cheating on me. The problem? I have no self confidence. I don't believe I am beautiful or good enough for anyone to ever want to be with me for the rest of my life. It's sad that I am allowing these thoughts to ruin a wonderful relationship. He wants ME! He loves ME! After a huge fight last night, this is what he said: "I would never and will never cheat on you. You are my everything. I have loved you at your biggest and at your smallest. I will always love you." Once he said this, I realized the problem isn't him -- it's me.
I don't know where these feelings stem from. It might have started when my Dad left us at an early age. He cheated on my Mom with the woman who is now my Step Mom. It was a tough battle to get through; I've realized that I'm not fully past it now as sometimes, I'm afraid BJ will turn out like my Dad. Maybe some of these thoughts come from nights I heard my Mom cry. Maybe she wasn't good enough or beautiful enough for him? Maybe our little family wasn't what he wanted? Even though my father still wanted to see my brother and I, it was still difficult on us as kids. Another possibility might be from middle/high school. I wasn't a part of the popular crowd. In fact, sometimes I was teased by them for my tummy (a little pudge as I would bloat after eating) and my clothes (single mom can't afford the pricey brands). In addition to the popular crowd, my friends weren't different. We'd talk about other girls -- their hair, their clothes, and their weight. It was a vicious cycle. But these are just excuses. I've allowed myself to continue with this mindset.
Sitting here typing this now, I've realized another problem -- I'm turning to food for comfort because of how I feel about myself. Every day this week, I have binged on chips and snacks after work. Those binges have only given temporary comfort (and stomach aches). So, it's time to try something new -- loving me for who I am right now.
I don't really know where to begin on this new journey, but for now, my first step is acceptance of where I am now.
Have you ever dealt with self-hatred? How have you begun to love yourself?
Member Comments About This Blog Post
I can remember (may even do this every now and again as well) when I'd look in the mirror I'd suck in my gut and think, "wow, I look pretty good... I don't need to work out" but then any time I'd see a picture taken or catch my reflection in a window when I didn't think to "suck it in" I'd become upset and the image of my belly hanging out for all to see and I'd feel disgusted with myself.
It wasn't until I read an article on SparkPeople that encouraged self awareness and acceptance that I took it upon myself to fully look at myself in the mirror gut and all, from all angles and just touch it, grab the fat, jiggle the arm and take complete inventory of what I was working with. I made the decision to accept myself at its worst, and love it... because I couldn't shame the fat away and hiding it from myself in private certainly couldn't hide my faults to the world in public.
Once I decided that I loved my body, faults and all, I found it a lot easier to jump start a healthy lifestyle and slowly worked towards my first 25lb loss (to which I have been maintaining!) Now I am gearing up to lose another 15lbs : ) But only because I love myself and I want my body to finally be in a healthy BMI range.... cuz I'm worth it, and so are you!!!! Good luck girl!
1612 days ago
I have dealt with feelings like these in the past, and still do to a degree. Feelings of being a failure, or being unworthy. While my family is loving and intact, I am the black sheep for sure. Also amongst my friends I seem to be the least successful and that ate at me for a long time. When I'm feeling that way about myself, my job, my looks, my weight I try to remember this sentence:
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Buckets of truth there. I know it doesn't solve your problems but it's a good start. You are a kind, supportive, BRAVE woman. We are here for you and it doesn't sound like BJ is going anywhere either ;-)
1615 days ago
I've not dealt with self-hatred but I have dealt with feelings of inadequacy in my work and in my relationships with men and also with friends.
How I've dealt with it? Badly and not for many, many years until I became tired of hearing myself bringing up the water under the bridge if only to make my point - that somehow some injustice has been done to me and someone has to make it right.
The only person who keeps me in that loop of thinking is me. The only person who can make it right is me. I've figured it out by living and by hearing the wisdom of others. I also listen to Dharma talks at zencast.org. They are talks about the practise of Buddhism which is a way of life and a philosophy rather than a religion. Buddhists approach life by living in the present by being mindful. Living in the past, where we often put ourselves through the emotional experiences that are negative, reliving them time and again, causes pain or suffering. Living in the future can cause us anxiety as we imagine what may come to pass. Living in the present and enjoying each moment (sounds so corny, but it's true) as it comes is the best way to live. But its a practise to live that way. You have to become more aware of where your mind is leading you emotionally and then you can stop and say, "Well that's interesting. Why am I thinking about *that*? What is the root cause of that emotion?" And instead of going through the suffering of negative things in your past, you can analyze it, know where it comes from and then say, "I don't need to do that to myself anymore." It frees you up to move on.
1618 days ago
You need to start a bank. A bank where you make deposits. The bank is you and every time you deposit a good or positive thought or feeling about yourself or something you have done it makes your self esteem rise and every time you withdraw is when you are making bad comments about yourself or things you have done. You are always going to have emotions and emotions are like the ocean they rise and fall and you can ride them out they will peter out eventually so don't give in to them just think Im allowed to feel, happy, sad, angry etc but don't reach for the food as the wave will go.... You are a beautiful girl who needs to start depositing into your account. I bet you are a wonderful friend and girlfriend, you work hard, you are smart and Im sure the list goes on and on. Make yourself rich.
1619 days ago
I'm so sorry Sam. I am proud of you for blogging out your feelings though. It can be so therapeutic. We are all here for you. I'm sure we have all had to deal with self hatred at one point or another. But you are strong and you will get through this.
1620 days ago
Oh man, parents really can do a number on us. Mine divorced when I was young, 4y/o. It was ugly. Neither of my parent's remarried and neither had a healthy stable relationship after their divorce. Neither has dated in at least 10yrs (to my knowledge) and are still alone. That puts some messy ideas in a person's head about divorce and singledom and marriage and how to deal with relationship problems.
Anyway, that story isn't going anywhere, just maybe to comfort you that we all have parental crap driving our subconscious. I don't know how this will sound to you, but maybe find a professional to speak to.
Back to parental crap, my mom dealt/deals with self hatred. To me it seems she gets so much support and encouragement from friends and family, but never seems to make progress. I've felt for a long time now that if she would seek professional help, so could make positive changes.
True acceptance seems to be a v. difficult path. Good vibes and positive thoughts to you.
1620 days ago
1620 days ago
I deal with self-hatred all the time. It's not easy to deal with but slowly I am getting over it with the help of my boyfriend and friends. You can too! Goodluck!
1620 days ago
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