This post is going to be a bit personal. It's going to highlight the not-so-wonderful aspects of who I am as a person. It's a tough post to write, but it's time I come clean with myself. I'm hoping writing it out as well as hearing support and suggestions will help me. Here goes:
I have a lot of self-hatred; I feel like I'm worthless. Feeling this way breeds lack of confidence about who I am and how I look. I let others opinions about me matter. All of this has been holding me back from a lot -- finding a new job as well as having healthy relationships with my boyfriend and myself.
For two years, I have worked as a administrative assistant. Every day, I have hated it. Being in the construction industry, there's not a lot of work which leaves me bored out of my mind for 40 hours each week. What's sad is that I'm a hard worker, I have a BA in History with a certificate in Art History, and I'd be a value to any company. The problem? I don't believe in myself and no company is ever going to hire a person like that.
I have been with BJ for almost five years. We've been through SO much -- lots of ups and downs. Even though he'd never, I've accused him of cheating on me. The problem? I have no self confidence. I don't believe I am beautiful or good enough for anyone to ever want to be with me for the rest of my life. It's sad that I am allowing these thoughts to ruin a wonderful relationship. He wants ME! He loves ME! After a huge fight last night, this is what he said: "I would never and will never cheat on you. You are my everything. I have loved you at your biggest and at your smallest. I will always love you." Once he said this, I realized the problem isn't him -- it's me.
I don't know where these feelings stem from. It might have started when my Dad left us at an early age. He cheated on my Mom with the woman who is now my Step Mom. It was a tough battle to get through; I've realized that I'm not fully past it now as sometimes, I'm afraid BJ will turn out like my Dad. Maybe some of these thoughts come from nights I heard my Mom cry. Maybe she wasn't good enough or beautiful enough for him? Maybe our little family wasn't what he wanted? Even though my father still wanted to see my brother and I, it was still difficult on us as kids. Another possibility might be from middle/high school. I wasn't a part of the popular crowd. In fact, sometimes I was teased by them for my tummy (a little pudge as I would bloat after eating) and my clothes (single mom can't afford the pricey brands). In addition to the popular crowd, my friends weren't different. We'd talk about other girls -- their hair, their clothes, and their weight. It was a vicious cycle. But these are just excuses. I've allowed myself to continue with this mindset.
Sitting here typing this now, I've realized another problem -- I'm turning to food for comfort because of how I feel about myself. Every day this week, I have binged on chips and snacks after work. Those binges have only given temporary comfort (and stomach aches). So, it's time to try something new -- loving me for who I am right now.
I don't really know where to begin on this new journey, but for now, my first step is acceptance of where I am now.
Have you ever dealt with self-hatred? How have you begun to love yourself?