Friday, June 14, 2013
My mother has been sick for so much of this year. She has spent more time in the hospital and nursing home than she has at her apartment. Now the time has come to say goodbye. She is dying and this time it does not look like she will bounce back. She has had a fierce determination to live and said for years that she didn't want to die.
On Thursday, after a week of trying to treat an unknown infection, I decided to go with comfort care only. The doc said she was not responding to treatment and was no longer eating. When she was awake she didn't even know who she was or where she was and that is totally unlike my mom. She was immediately transferred to the nursing home for comfort care and has been on a downward spiral ever since. Each hour she is getting weaker and weaker.
The word this evening from the nurse was that it "looks close." I fully expect to get a call during the night saying mom has gone home to Jesus. I pray that she passing will be peaceful.
I have no regrets. I did all I could for her despite living 600 miles away. My mom and I were very close as I was the baby and had more time alone with my mom than did my siblings. They do not love her like I do. One sibling doesn't even acknowledge mom as her mom. She refers to mom by her initials only.
My mom was a spectacular lady. She used to sing and make cakes. She made the most beautiful wedding cakes. the decorations were out of this world. I used to watch her make the flowers. Delicate roses and daisies, all from frosting. She made replicas of college buildings and churches, all from cake. My halloween birthday cakes were always a surprise. She and I used to play piano duets and we would tape them on the cassette tapes. Half way through the duet someone would make and mistake and we would get giggling. In the summer when she would take me to clarinet lesson we would stop by this little dairy barn and have a footlong hot dog. Clarinet lessons were on Monday and piano lessons were on Tuesdays. I loved my piano lessons. then I was in the concert band and marching band and she and my dad attended every parade, cheering me on.
We never had packaged meals. Everything was from scratch. She made homemade goodies, pies, cakes, cookies, yeast bread and something called fried bread dough. That was on Sunday evenings. I can still see her making the sweet dough and then frying it up in donut shapes. She served it with butter and maple syrup. They were light and yeasty. My favorite was the warm applesauce with dumplings. Mom made her own applesauce. She also canned and made jellies and pickles.
Holidays were always special. On the night before Easter she and I would color the eggs for the Easter Bunny. then as Christmas neared she would bake cookies so I could leave some out for Santa with some milk. Of course even after I learned it was really my dad I still left him some cookies and milk. I appreciate her letting me be a kid as long as possible. Growing up came too fast.
We had our differences. Don't get me wrong. There were moments, but I don't choose to remember those times. I live in the happier times. I had a good life and my mom made it special.
When she was well we talked 6-7 times a day some days. Nothing important, but just to share something. She always asked what I was fixing for dinner. When we had hot dogs I told her I'd burn one for her cause that's the way she liked her hot dogs...burnt!!!
I will miss my mom. Nothing will be the same once she is gone. I know that she will be in a better place but that doesn't sooth me right now. I only know the pain I am feeling. I pray that God will be merciful and take her home to be with my dad and her son.