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    AEROBISAURUS   30,934
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My Current Affairs For The Curious :)

Friday, June 14, 2013

Hello all! This morning I just wanted to share a little news about me and what I've been up too. Yay! Heehe.

First on a lighter note the Mario Quilt is still in the works however it is on hold for the summer. I have hopeful intentions to get back to it soon because I've left out my sewing machine and a stack of material right on top of my sewing station in the front room. However, I'm really in the mood to whip up some summer dresses instead. I love to sew - oh h#ll I can't get enough of creativity period .. in whatever form it comes in! I bathe in it. Mmmmm emoticon

Okay Second - Myself and my mental health struggle to regain happiness and self meaning and confidence. Very personal story but I've been thinking about it and I want to be brave and share it to who ever wants to listen.

The black hole that was my life about two and half years ago.

I had been working as a hair stylist at a salon that was so slow it was a joke. My Bf was very supportive but really my career was going nowhere. Basically the only reason I was working was to actually pay for child care. We both decided that it would be best if I quit my job to stay at home with the kids instead. So this was exciting at first but it quickly became overwhelming and I was getting stuck in a depression and was sliding in an isolated lonely uncontrollable small box of anxiety, fear, loathing, and hate. To remedy the problem I turned to wine, beer, liquor, and Facebook. Bad combo!

In my search to gain access to the outside world and find control in something I directly and knowingly made an alter ego for myself. I had a name and a personality to match. No kids where in my new altered world and neither was the Bf. When I look back on my actions I am embarrassed, ashamed, and regretful. Every action I made was more than hurtful and in my eyes unforgivable. I turned into this person that didn't want to be a mom, a girlfriend, or myself.

I would cry day and night in mourning all the lost time from when I was eighteen to twenty four, and also the facade I created of what could have been. Overburdened from my situation I began drinking nightly, most of the time blacking out and nothing good comes from that. Destroying all my relationships, I was every bit a monster and I wanted to die.

I left the house one morning. The truth of my actions and ego had finally met up with me. I was exposed. I took the car keys and left in an uncontrollable state of panic and denial. I vocally in front of my kids and Bf said, I'm going to go and kill myself, seeing the worry and hearing there screams of no mom. I left.

Still in denial about my behavior I call my dad to claim my innocence and to tell him I was done, my hands are up, I have no alternative, this is it. He said. Don't do this to me, come out and talk, just calm down.

I drive back home. My kids have been picked up by thier Great Grandmother, my Bf's parents where there and I was once again confronted. My Bf was pleading me to give him the keys and when I wouldn't, he took them anyway. He said you can't drive anywhere, I called the police and they will pull you over. Then, my cell phone rings. It is his brother. He calls to offer support and understanding in my struggle. Saying it will be okay, I've been there, I understand. Of course I refuse this, no one understands.

After all the hurt, pain and heartbreak I put everyone through I still had a family that was seeing my internal struggle and that was still on my side, they had not thrown me away. I made the conscious decision to find help and healing. With the support of my Bf I went into treatment and was put on an antidepressant and mood stabilizer. This helped tremendously. I started to see the light, feel the love, and appreciate the kids and my life again. I made the everlasting promise that I will regain an honest and sober lifestyle. Best decision ever, bye bye Facebook!

So I've made it this far! I've been living the promise I made and I've been gaining strength and understanding instead of losing it.

Now in my journey I'm at a place of peace. I started seeing a therapist and have started to look inwards and I've started confronting my emotions. I've been given the tools and have been practicing them, reaching understanding and peace within my own pace and revelations. I'm pointed in the right direction. I'm now antidepressant free. I know now that my happiness is from me not from that blue pill and this is another empowering feeling.

I feel like a sponge. Recently absorbing, researching, and rediscovering my spirit. Everything happens for a reason.

In my current quest I'm learning that I don't need people to be interested in me, I don't need to impress and I certainly don't need to feel an outside acceptance. What I need to be is interested in me. I'm excited because now I'm taking the time to find my confidence through my spiritual practice. I'm learning to dump the outside influences that my conscious and unconscious mind is subjected to on a daily basis. A lot of these influences are trash anyway. I do not need society's warped version of happiness because indeed that is a guarantied recipe to unhappiness. I'm finding more space in my thinking and a clearer more serene outlook on, well on everything.

So what is this new and exciting practice that is fulfilling my voids. It's Meditation! I'm on this new and exciting level of inner reflection. I'm my own explorer, exploring a new dimension of escalated unknown wonder of my subconscious and I'm more than addicted to it. I've found my peace, I've rediscovered my beliefs and I'm still ever changing but grounded and secured in knowing that I am strong. Bad things of life experiences aren't always bad. Who's to say that life would have been different or better had I made different choices in my early twenties. My life is beautiful and I respect it. I am One and I can just Be.

Okay so what is the point of this blog? Well, the point is to maybe reach out with my story and somehow maybe empower motivation or shed some light on another soul who may be struggling. Depression is a scary trap that can keep you on a loop of self destruction. I'm hear to say, there is a brighter day and you do have a meaningful existence, you are here for a purpose. One soul can change the world. Positivity is one of the strongest emotions you possess, use it! Karma, what you put out you receive back, help others, stop wars with yourself, set yourself free. You make your reality and your perception of it. No one sees or feels the way you do. Everyone is on there own different emotional journey and level of life understanding. Find out who you are, what you believe in and take your practice into action! Don't hesitate, your life is waiting and you don't want it to be put on hold while you self loathe and destruct. Open and refresh your eyes and mind, walk out of the constricting box and onto a wide open bright never ending plain of possibilities.

That's it!

Nikki :)
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOODGETNBETR 6/19/2013 4:19PM

    So glad you found what you needed and are growing in the light. May you never forget what you earned.

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    Nikki, please know that there are many of us, me included, who have been down a similar path. I have also been doing meditation as part of my kundalini yoga practice. My family continues to comment on my how calm I am now. My brain is finally quiet, and when it is not, I meditate with an image of a sky and let the thoughts be the clouds that float on by. I find that the yoga before meditation makes it better for me. So happy you've found something that works for you. You're one of my heroes and I'm so glad to have met you. Much love to you and your family.

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DEEEBEE 6/15/2013 10:23PM

    Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you've returned to a life of normalcy. I have heard a lot of good things about meditation. My daughter has been meditating every morning for many years and it seems to have given her a sense of calmness.

DeAnne, Missourians Team

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TRUCKERWIFE2 6/15/2013 8:34PM

    Very good blog. I think many people can relate. Once you get sucked in by depression it's hard to pull yourself out. Thank goodness you had people there to give you a hand and you were willing to do something about it. Keep up the good work!

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CHERIRIDDELL 6/15/2013 12:51AM

    Honest stories are always powerful.Thank you for sharing with us. You are an inspiration !

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JACOSAURUS 6/14/2013 7:27PM

    It can be very hard to share your story and I am glad you did. Thank you for sharing it and opening your heart.

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MIRMIUM 6/14/2013 3:22PM

    Thank you for sharing your story.

I too have struggled with anxiety and depression. I became medicated and only recently underwent CBT training to come off of the medication. After the therapy, I felt very much the way you are describing here. I let go of my negativity and allowed myself to accept my faults. After that, the world has seemed like such a bright and happy place filled with possibilities.

More recently, I've started to wage war on myself again. My unhappiness with myself for not being better or good enough has become difficult to overcome. Thank you for reminding me of what it felt like to let go of the negativity and be at peace.

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BAKER1009 6/14/2013 1:47PM

    Simply beautiful Nikki. I already know your story, but I really loved reading this! I'm so glad you are where you are right now. Meditation is a wonderful thing and I'm happy that it is working for you. emoticon
You're such a beautiful person and I am forever grateful that our paths have crossed.
I'm so glad you are loving yourself once again, because you deserve that!! Keep on keeping on darling, GREAT things are ahead!! emoticon

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NUOVAELLE 6/14/2013 1:36PM

    Thank you for opening your heart to us, Nikki!
Be proud of yourself for all that you've accomplished and for successfully pulling yourself out of such a bad situation. Every experience has something to teach us and a little bit - or much more - of strength to add to our personality.
You have a wonderful family who love you for what you are and they have proven it to you. And you deserve all of it.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANATASHIKI 6/14/2013 1:29PM

    wow , thanks for sharing . I guess your story is another proof that when you don't love yourself no other love is ever enough even if it's from your own kids. I'm glad you were able to find a balance in your life. I used to have depressions in childhood but they were sort of solved themselves after I left home and started to learn how to love and receive love. learning to love myself was the most difficult thing I ever did in life and I can't say I'm a master but keep learning emoticon

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