Yesterday was a pretty significant day for me. Not in an exercise, food or weight success sense, but likely more important than all 3 of those put together. It was kind of a perfect storm of what I needed to hear now and what I needed to acknowledge and fully understand.
I went to see my chiropractor, who is really truly like a life coach and an amazing man. He always talks to me about life and how to deal with stress and how to be a healthier version of myself. Today he said something that stuck with me all day. He said that Dr. Morter, one of his role models has said that you can want something with all your heart... but you won't get it until you truly believe that you deserve it. That gave me pause. I am always wishing and wanting to be thinner and healthier and be back to the Melanie that is inside and waiting to come out and enjoy life more... but do I feel like I deserve it? Maybe not. That's a hard thing to think about and doesn't have an easy yes or know answer. I know that intellectually I think I deserve it, know that I can achieve it and know that it's worth it, but deep down, what is my inner monologue saying to me?
This would be enough of an eye opener for the day and enough to sink my teeth into and work on, but then I had a lengthy conversation with my good friend Rita, who has been on an astounding path towards her own health for a few years and is one of the healthiest people I know. She and I talked about what my chiro said and how I felt about it and then we got into talking about fears and holding back. I've always had a fear of not knowing when to stop losing weight, because even when I was a healthy weight I felt fat and always identified myself as the fat one, honestly. My two older sisters were slender, athletic builds and I was a wider build with big ribs and shorter legs. My family always talked about my "baby fat" and how chubby I was growing up and I internalized it. I was the chubby sister and that's the way I viewed myself. My best friends were absolute twigs growing up... one of them is still a size 4, another I'm not close to anymore likely still size 2 looking at photos of her and the other not quite so small, but taller and very thin as well. My clothes were "something cozy and baggy to wear" and I could never borrow theirs. So, I felt like a hippo growing up with them, always the biggest even though when I see pictures I was absolutely healthy, perfect weight for my height and build and into all kinds of sports... only I couldn't see it and appreciate it. So, I've always thought that if I get to my "ideal" size and weight that it won't be enough, I won't see it and I won't be happy with it. My other fear is that even if I DO recognize that I'm at a good weight, etc. I still will really not like my body... That's a tough one too. How do you know unless you get there right? But how do you get there when you're the one holding yourself back?
I've often talked to my sister or my mom about how I sabotage myself. I've only ever been really successful at losing weight once. I lost 38 pounds and did it rather quickly... because I didn't realize I had a thyroid issue and my metabolism was hurting me. I was sick so often in those few months that I was getting in trouble at work for my attendance. So, healthy weight loss is not something I know well. So, now I get all fired up, I shop for healthy food, get out exercising, drink my water, make new recipes, chat with my supports on sparkpeople, do everything I'm supposed to do... for, like, a week or two and then I quit on myself.
Is it because I hate drinking water? NO, in fact, I crave it and recognize how much better I feel drinking it once I get into the habit.
Is it because I hate exercising? No. I do have a hard time talking myself into getting started, but then I honestly do enjoy it and I love the exercise high I'm on when I finish.
Is it because I hate healthy food? No. I'm not going to lie, I love pizza and chocolate and all kinds of unhelpful foods, but I also love well-made healthy food and feel really good when I'm getting the right fuel in my body.
So, why give up so easily? Why not put more effort into something so important to me, my self confidence, my future, my children, my life? Why indeed.
I have a lot of work ahead of me. Recognizing that I may be stopping myself out of fear and a feeling of not really deserving it has been a breakthrough that I've needed to have for ages. How to fix what's broken? Not sure, but I sure am going to try. Because the only way I'll be permanently successful is to have my body, my brain and my heart on board. I feel positive about my future efforts. I think many many many failures and weak attempts had to happen to bring me to this point and I hope I'm ready to tackle this big hurdle and finally move on.
Here's to digging down deep and examining our heart and soul to discover health