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Going Backward - and Why (Part 6)

Thursday, June 13, 2013

I decided today to edit this blog - just can't shake the feeling that it was TMI.

This will certainly be the most difficult blog ever for me ever. I am a survivor of incest. Not my Dad, my oldest brother, starting when I was 10. When I was in my late 40s, I finally told my mother. With my permission, she told my Dad. They later talked with my brother, but I have no idea what anyone said. My parents and I never spoke of it again. From my (outsider) perspective, their relationship with Gary was unchanged.

Shortly after I knew that my mother had let Gary know that she knew about it, I got a letter from him. It was brief, half-a**ed apology for "what we did when we were younger." No acknowledgement that it was abuse. I cut the letter into confetti and mailed it back to him without a word. For years, we did not communicate.

In 2007, Paul and I moved my parents in with us in Southern California, and I chose to be cordial whenever Gary visited. I didn't stick around much, just saying that I didn't want to intrude on their time. Then in 2010, after my mother's death the previous May, we moved to MO with Dad. My brother lives in Urbana, IL, so he and Dad visited more often. Gary stayed in a motel (small house, plus he's allergic to animals). Again, I was cordial for my Dad's sake.

Last summer, Gary and I argued about Dad's care, and he ended a phone call with , "F*** you, goodbye!" At that point, I told Dad that I did not intend to speak with Gary again until he apologized. He never did. I still chose to be communicate with him by phone regardimg Dad's care and to be cordial at Dad's funeral.

I'm ever so thankful that my other brother is the only one I have to deal with regarding wrapping up Dad's affairs. And I'm even more thankful to know that I have no reason to keep silent now that Dad's gone.

So sum and substance of this blog - I'm now free to deal with how much the sexual abuse hurt and affected my life to this day. I'm finding a great deal of help working through Renee Stephens' Full-Filled. Her discussion of overeating personalities, especially The Fraud and The Abused, has been particularly enlightening. Now that I'm no longer silent, I even better grasp (take hold of) the truth that today is the first day of the rest of my life.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am working backwards through your blogs.

    I can relate to this blog as well, though not quite the same, but very similar. And I can see how it affected my weight gain, and my attitude towards it.

    Thank you for posting and sharing. I will have to research the book you mentioned.

    Stay strong, stay you emoticon
    1742 days ago
    You are such a strong person! To be able to be cordial to him even after everything he put you through.

    You are blessed to have people in your life that love and care about you as well!

    I am so glad you are able to move on finally after having to put up with him back in your life. I can imagine how much stress that put you under.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story and your strength with us!
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    1744 days ago
    That is a rotten thing to go thru. so sorry you did. HUGS and prayers. You are a strong person and very proud of you that you're a survivor. That means you are in charge of YOUR life . . . nobody else. Amen to that one.
    1745 days ago
    I'm so glad you are free now to deal with this, however you choose, and that you have a plan. I'm sorry for what you went through, but now that your are free, I'm glad you are able to move forward!

    I pray for you, and for the best for your own life.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1745 days ago
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