Thursday, June 13, 2013
I decided today to edit this blog - just can't shake the feeling that it was TMI.
This will certainly be the most difficult blog ever for me ever. I am a survivor of incest. Not my Dad, my oldest brother, starting when I was 10. When I was in my late 40s, I finally told my mother. With my permission, she told my Dad. They later talked with my brother, but I have no idea what anyone said. My parents and I never spoke of it again. From my (outsider) perspective, their relationship with Gary was unchanged.
Shortly after I knew that my mother had let Gary know that she knew about it, I got a letter from him. It was brief, half-a**ed apology for "what we did when we were younger." No acknowledgement that it was abuse. I cut the letter into confetti and mailed it back to him without a word. For years, we did not communicate.
In 2007, Paul and I moved my parents in with us in Southern California, and I chose to be cordial whenever Gary visited. I didn't stick around much, just saying that I didn't want to intrude on their time. Then in 2010, after my mother's death the previous May, we moved to MO with Dad. My brother lives in Urbana, IL, so he and Dad visited more often. Gary stayed in a motel (small house, plus he's allergic to animals). Again, I was cordial for my Dad's sake.
Last summer, Gary and I argued about Dad's care, and he ended a phone call with , "F*** you, goodbye!" At that point, I told Dad that I did not intend to speak with Gary again until he apologized. He never did. I still chose to be communicate with him by phone regardimg Dad's care and to be cordial at Dad's funeral.
I'm ever so thankful that my other brother is the only one I have to deal with regarding wrapping up Dad's affairs. And I'm even more thankful to know that I have no reason to keep silent now that Dad's gone.
So sum and substance of this blog - I'm now free to deal with how much the sexual abuse hurt and affected my life to this day. I'm finding a great deal of help working through Renee Stephens' Full-Filled. Her discussion of overeating personalities, especially The Fraud and The Abused, has been particularly enlightening. Now that I'm no longer silent, I even better grasp (take hold of) the truth that today is the first day of the rest of my life.