Who I want to be?
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Last night I saw a bumper sticker that said "Remember who you wanted to be." It's my birthday this week and I guess it's an opportune time to reflect on this question.
Physically, I am well beyond anything I would have wanted to be before the last 18 months or so. I mean, I guess if I go way back to high school I thought I should weight 120, and I must have been shorter when I had that idea in mind. The reality that I'd forgotten is I weighed about 15 pounds more than I do now when I was 15. But for most of my adult life, I thought it would be good to just weight 190, and I weight about 158. So that was pretty good.
In terms of family, I've been married for 22 1/2 years and have 4 amazing children who just fill my life with wonder. I came from a big family and I guess as a kid I thought I would have more, and even after I got married I figured an average between my family and my husband's family ought to work, but we lost our first child so I'm truly grateful for every minute I get to spend with who I've got. I'm grateful my parents are alive and that I have my siblings.
Though the first thing I thought of when I saw the bumper sticker was career and professional stuff. But mostly I've chosen to pursue the family track instead of the professional one. I wanted to be a chef and an artist and later a writer. I am a pretty good cook. I can make smearcase and stuffed pizza. I had meant to do more art this year but haven't, and that's mostly been a procrastination/avoidance thing and ties into the mental/spiritual area. I have written a lot, but I haven't put in the self-discipline to move toward getting published. And I guess that's really the thing that made me most wistful about seeing that bumper sticker.
But I'm really glad for where I am spiritually and mentally. I do at least have a clear idea of what I want to write and why. I am not depressed like I was chronically when I was younger. So I wouldn't say I have forgotten who I wanted to be. I've mostly become someone I could never have imagined.