Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Down 5 lbs and doing well tracking food, keeping calories around 1500 and watching carbs. I am feeling more confident about not eating over my emotions. Had a good success this week, pausing and feeling what was up versus attacking the fridge which is what I wanted to do.
Car would not start as I was trying to go to water aerobics after being away for several months. I got furious, standing there all dressed in my swimsuit with no way to get there. I felt like God was thumping his nose at me, and telling me "just who do you think you are thinking you are good enough to get to do something you really want?" My inner critic went nuts. I felt so ashamed and angry.
I discovered I do not handle disappointment well at all. Got angry, then didn't want to feel that, so then this extreme desire to go eat threatened to undo all the progress I had made this week.
I Had to really look at the blaming anger I have towards God for the many disappointments I had growing up and in my young adult life. I looked at the many disappointments as if it was God rejecting me and telling me I didn't deserve any good thing and telling me how unlovable I was.
My intense compulsion to want to eat was directly proportional to my distress at believing the lie and the anger at being rejected which is what my parents did. This spirit of rejection and my desperation in fighting back and fear that it really was true created one hell of a spiral of overeating. I am very grateful to finally see how this has been active in my life and it is not what God would have me believe about me or him.
Laying down these lies and the spirit of rejection is already improving my relations with people in my life and especially with my self.