Sickness and fear
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I got some sort of tummy bug yesterday so my eating hasn't been healthy yesterday or today. Mostly pretzels, soup, ginger ale. I'm trying to fight the fear of the fact that i'm "wrecking" my progress. Two days does not wreck anything, part of me knows that but the other part of my brain is sending out "you suck, just eat everything and stay fat sort of ideas"
I'm going to my fiancee's family barbeque on Saturday. Quite honestly I am terrified.. I don't know how to go to these type of things without stuffing myself with junk and then going home and having a full out binge later. I'm going to try and stay strong. I'm going to try and go in with a solid plan of certain things to eat. Maybe that will help. I'm also nervous because I told my fiance about my eating disorder and he doesn't really understand, he is trying to help me but doesn't know how. I don't know how to tell him to help me either because I don't know what I need. I'm afraid of failing in front of him and having him say something that will upset me (he would never do this on purpose but he doesn't understand food or weight issues at all!).
This is hard. I'm trying to get better and not obsess about perfection and weight loss but the fact is I am getting married in 7 months and I do not want to feel fat and ugly on our special day.
The woman who wrote the book i'm reading was YEARS into her recovery before she lost weight. I don't have that luxury right now. I also don't have access to counseling like she did.
I'm really trying here. Trying to fight whatever part of my brain causes this food obsession, these binges and this horrible self esteem. I just want to feel good and happy. I want a healthy relationship with food and my body.