Wednesday, June 12, 2013
So I've mentioned feeling a little bit "off" lately, but I haven't really understood what was at the core of that, until I had a conversation with a friend today. We were talking about how lately I've been feeling exceptionally nostalgic and thinking about people and relationships from the past that I haven't considered in years. I dug out all my old pictures, and even read through my old love letters. As a result, lots of long-dormant emotions have been stirred up, for better or for worse.
Here's the thing: weight loss requires making changes in your life. This has been a very transitional period in my life, and lots of things are changing: my health, my physical appearance, my outlook on life, my hopes and dreams for the future. But I am still a product of my past experiences, and as I shed layers of whatever I've been "hiding" behind, past experiences and feelings, confidences and insecurities are revealed and demand attention.
I've long understood that I would never be successful at losing weight until I addressed the emotional aspects of how and why I allowed myself to get this fat in the first place. I think I've mostly dealt with the trauma of the past. Of course there are still remnants, but for the most part, I'm in pretty good shape there. But this revisiting old flames thing is new territory for me. Part of it has to do with the fact that all I've ever really wanted is to find someone who really knows me. Who takes as much interest in me as I do in them. I love my husband, and our relationship works for a multitude of important reasons, but I've never felt like he really "gets" me.
One of the things that's held me back from losing weight in the past is wondering exactly how my weight loss would affect my marriage. I've heard lots of stories about how relationships dissolve over these sorts of things, and I can see some potential for that in ours. I honestly don't think it *would* happen, but it *could*, and that's worrisome for me.
I'm not only in the process of losing weight and gaining health. I'm also in the process of rediscovering myself. Of allowing myself to be the person I've always wanted to be, but felt like my weight inhibited. It's exciting and terrifying all at once.