Wednesday, June 12, 2013
This is something I've struggled with for some time now. When I first started this journey just over two years ago. I was 2:25 lbs. I was not happy and I could hardly walk the short path way to the beach in Hawaii. We had great plans on that trip to do a bunch of hiking, and well that never happened as I couldn't walk far from the car. May 10th, 2011 I hit rock bottom. I started small, a walk around the block.
During the first year I would Hike a lot, almost every day putting in 100 miles each month. Monitored my food in take and took control of my life. The wait came of! In a year I was down to just under 160.
At 160 lb I was still not happy with myself. I was now into running, biking, swimming, hiking. I was very active living and doing all things I always thought about doing while sitting on the couch eating potato chips.
Yet I was not happy. Why? Because I was focused on a number. I had the perfect number in my head. I wanted to be 130. That was my own self imposed magic number. I focused on that number too much. I lost sight of the fact that I was fit, and healthy.
My June I had stalled out. Rather than being happy with where I was and how fit and active I was while obsessing on the perfect number I became upset with myself. I started to see myself as a failure. I started to not care, all that hard work wasn't working anymore so why do it. I ate, I would do some work outs but not to the same intensity as I had.
Guess what? I gained weight. This just made me more depressed and I'd eat more. Some how the switch in my head had been turned off! I couldn't help myself. I knew what I was doing but I couldn't help it.
By January I had gained 20 lbs. Lost a lot of my muscle mass and was feeling ugh! It was the start of triathlon training season. I have a very long term bucket list goal and dream. In order to do it I have to get good at triathlons. It is not some thing I will achieve in one year. In fact I have a 3 year plan for it.
Over the past six months things have been a struggle. My training was going great, then I'd have a health issue (never anything major, just enough to see if I really wanted this). My weight has stayed the same. I have a 5 lb range I stay at. I can't seam to get it to come off. It's frustrating me. I'd be happy now to just loose those 20 lbs I put on last year.
Fast forward to the triathlon. They have a division for the bigger girls. It's called Athena's. It's for girls who are 165 lbs or heavier. That's me! So I signed up for that. Not many people my age, and weight do triathlons. So in some cases to finish is to podium. Talk about a moral boost!
While on the race I was passing people younger than me, people skinnier than me. People who weigh 'my perfect weight'. It hit me at some point. The Athena, and Clydesdales (big men) would all smile at each other and encourage each other along the way. It accorded to me that I may still be fat, but I'm fit.
I placed 3rd in my division on the race. My times where not bad. I had the best 5k run of my life, AFTER swimming 1/2 a mile, and riding my bike for 12. When I was done a truly felt like I could do it all over again.
I'm FAT, the scale, the mirror, the bouncing belly all prove that. I'm FIT! The time trials, the races, the mirror (yes the mirror) my energy level all prove that.
Last night I did a run with my running group. My friend came along. She's lost a lot of weight, and is the 'perfect number'. She did her first triathlon this past weekend. She can only run 5-10k. She said to me "you'r in great shape, I don't think I can keep up". WOW! Fat and Fit!
So for now the perfect number is being put away. I will keep the scale out and weigh in on it regularly. I do not want to get above what I weigh right now. To have the weight come off will be nice, but it's not my primary goal. I have adjusted my goals to being Fat and FIT.
Hope you follow along as I blog about my journey to Fat, FIT, & FABULOUS!