Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Clarity seems to come in strange moments for me. Today it comes as I'm about to carve out an important meeting presentation -- craft it into something that not only conveys the right message in the exact way the audience can consume it with respect to tone and tenor, but is artful and beautiful and full of all the things that make what I do worthwhile.
It is due tomorrow. I'm not hardly there. But the pressure is bringing out the best in me.
And it dawns, because that is what happens, really. I get this amazing sense of elation as it comes together and I can feel the power of the presentation building. I'm intense, frantic, pushing the boundaries. Every time someone comes to take a look they walk away with a little glint of amazement in their eyes -- "we've never done it that way before" and I know I'm on my mark.
We're only 40% the way there, and already it's way too much. Way too much.
My therapist has all sorts of things to say about me and my life (and this is not surprising I suppose, therapy -- that's a whole other topic). She tends to be pretty focused on a me taking positive steps towards something that feels more normative in her mind, which means again, I'm going to fire a therapist for not being able to work at my intelligence level (sorry if that sounds arrogant) but there is also an echo from the last few therapists. I am getting a heavy echo of the "don't overdo it" or "take it slow" in the tone of the questions I'm asked. The thing with therapists is they don't tell you what to do. Sure there are "Exercises" and such, but the reality is, you need to out think them to understand what they are trying to do anyway. I get a heavy sense of "slow down" and "calm down" and "don't overdo it".
I get excited by intensity. It's my thing. I can't half ass anything, and I get frustrated when I'm asked to deliver less than what I am capable. My weight gain has largely been because I didn't realize completely how much I can treat this exactly as I treat the other things I excel at -- something to be done intensely and fully and over the top.
I simply don't know any better. I have an on and an off switch.
On is like the plugs in Europe. Will power the shaver, but if you're not ready for it, might fry your circuits.
So I am working out more. A lot more. And I'm dieting like crazy. like way crazy. And I'm eating more healthy. Like way healthy.
- got to the gym five times last week, ran outside another day
- been steady with a tight and well controlled diet of 100+g protein for the day at a minimal calories
- Actively seeking high health recipes for the abundance of wonder I got from my CSA, moving more local and organic (thank you Glen Orchard and Northstar Orcahrd)
And now I'm seeking even more ways. As of yesterday, that's doing at least 50 pushups in the morning before I get in the shower. We'll supplement that when it gets too easy.
I suffer from a case of not knowing when to stop indulging. At one time, it was the ease of putting down three big macs without a blink of an eye while killing it at work. And I am. I always have. I might not be an athlete in the traditional sense of the word, but damnit, I win.
I always win
and that comes from being intense, overly intense. Driving, as I always will, ever more to be the best, to make my mark, to be more than anyone ever expects.
And that is my fatal flaw.