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What do I long for?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I think about this a lot. What do I really want, what do I long for? What would really add to my quality of life?

The answer is multifold, but here's a couple of things I really really want:

-to still the negative voice in my head. I read a journal entry from just over a month ago, where I was so sad and just couldn't see a way to love myself. I have gone to a hypnotist to still the negative voice and strengthen the positive one, and it has helped.

-to have food move out of the center of my life. It seems I've spent so much time on this. Wake up, what can I eat? Do I have to eat right now, even though I'm not really hungry? You're supposed to eat within an hour of waking up, so I must eat. I've eaten, but I want something else, but I shouldn't have it because I've eaten already. I want _______ to eat even though I'm not hungry. Why can't I have everything I want to eat? I'm on a diet, so I can't stop thinking about food, or the foods the diet says I can't have. I overate and I feel bad. I'm hungry and it feels bad. I'm bored and I'm eating and I feel bad.

Sound familiar at all? Here's what I want: to know, deep down, that food is fuel. To open the refrigerator door ONLY when I'm hungry, and scan the contents within only when I really need to. To eat when my stomach rumbles, and then to move on to other, more important things. To not be counting calories, serving sizes, or points. To eat just because I'm hungry, and to quit eating when I'm satisfied.

I'd also like to grab the veggies and fruit first, and eat those.

And by gosh, since I go to the movies a whopping twice a year, I want to eat the movie popcorn and not think of all the things I should or should not eat. (Now, if I started going to the movies once a month, I'd rethink this).

I don't want to go through my life deprived, but I am weary of the food thing. I just want to eat when I need to, and eat what makes me feel good, and quit judging everything that goes into my mouth (or wanting the not so healthy foods).

I believe it can be done.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ROCKMAN6797
    It is a daily struggle but it can be done. Good habits develop from repetitive behavior, keep repeating your good habits. Soon they WILL become second nature.
    1718 days ago
    I feel like I could have written this blog.. I feel so negatively about myself.. and life in general. I just don't have money to see anyone about it. I have been trying to change it forever. I feel like it has stemmed from my ex stepmom (my dad and her divorced after I moved out.) She only ever had negative things to say to/about me.. so I grew up feeling like nothing I did was good enough. Now that I have a husband that says nothing but nice things about me, I have a hard time believing them. I tell him thank you when he compliments me but I feel like he is just saying what I want to hear. I want to feel beautiful, etc.. but I just don't. And food.. I don't even know how to explain it, but I'll try my best. I feel obsessive over food. What can I eat? What is there to munch on? What will my next meal be? I am the same as you with eating it seems. Always looking at what there is to eat, always feeling the need to eat. I want to change that so I can start eating to live because seriously.. I live to eat right now and it's frustrating!
    1719 days ago
    Well, the good thing is it is all doable!
    For the negativity, I think you should journal about something good about yourself every day. I think you should also look in the mirror first thing in the morning and say, "I am a beautiful and a great person!" If you say things to yourself long enough you start to believe it - and there will go the negativity.
    Pick a goal that you want to do and accomplish it! That will help build your confidence too!

    As for the food being the center of your life, what else can you focus on? Can you pick a hobby? Maybe plan something for yourself for you to look forward to? Maybe a day out with friends and family, a quiet walk on the beach, a spa day?

    For the grabbing veggies first - make them easily accessible! Maybe just throw some veggies cut up in a bag and put them right by the door of the fridge that way they will be the first thing you see and the easiest to grab!

    As for for the popcorn - heck if you go to the movies that few times a year - live it up!
    emoticon emoticon
    1719 days ago
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