Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I think about this a lot. What do I really want, what do I long for? What would really add to my quality of life?
The answer is multifold, but here's a couple of things I really really want:
-to still the negative voice in my head. I read a journal entry from just over a month ago, where I was so sad and just couldn't see a way to love myself. I have gone to a hypnotist to still the negative voice and strengthen the positive one, and it has helped.
-to have food move out of the center of my life. It seems I've spent so much time on this. Wake up, what can I eat? Do I have to eat right now, even though I'm not really hungry? You're supposed to eat within an hour of waking up, so I must eat. I've eaten, but I want something else, but I shouldn't have it because I've eaten already. I want _______ to eat even though I'm not hungry. Why can't I have everything I want to eat? I'm on a diet, so I can't stop thinking about food, or the foods the diet says I can't have. I overate and I feel bad. I'm hungry and it feels bad. I'm bored and I'm eating and I feel bad.
Sound familiar at all? Here's what I want: to know, deep down, that food is fuel. To open the refrigerator door ONLY when I'm hungry, and scan the contents within only when I really need to. To eat when my stomach rumbles, and then to move on to other, more important things. To not be counting calories, serving sizes, or points. To eat just because I'm hungry, and to quit eating when I'm satisfied.
I'd also like to grab the veggies and fruit first, and eat those.
And by gosh, since I go to the movies a whopping twice a year, I want to eat the movie popcorn and not think of all the things I should or should not eat. (Now, if I started going to the movies once a month, I'd rethink this).
I don't want to go through my life deprived, but I am weary of the food thing. I just want to eat when I need to, and eat what makes me feel good, and quit judging everything that goes into my mouth (or wanting the not so healthy foods).
I believe it can be done.