Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I've restarted my OA program, but do not yet have a sponsor. So, instead of writing to my sponsor at the end of the day, I thought I'd just post it here in the blog.
I feel like I'm working a dozen programs right now, but in reality, there are only six things tugging for my attention.
My mental health is one of them. My symptoms have returned in spades and my mother things that I need to get a second opinion from another psychiatrist, but that probably means messing with my meds, which scares me. They may not be working spectacularly, but the devil you know... and all that. So there's that: depression, oversleeping, plus hallucinations, which are pretty darn distracting. So: that's one thing.
Another is my OA program, which is supposed to come before everything because it supposedly keeps me sane. But I don't think that they wrote that with mentally ill people in mind. I worry that I need more than God and good food choices to keep me balanced. See above.
Also, there's my writing. I'm a writer by trade and I have been trying to complete at least 1,000 words a day, which usually takes about an hour and a half, once I work up to writing. On those same lines, I've been trying to read for at least an hour a day to improve my craft.
The Spark! book is on my list too. I've been trying to read it for an hour a day. Once I can get through that puppy, I'll be able to really start working the program. Also, I'll have a better handle on the food plan, which will ultimately help the OA thing, too.
Also, there's exercise. I should be exercising daily, either going to the gym or walking. Both of those take about 45 mins to complete. I've been feeling resistant to exercise lately and I'm not sure why. Maybe that would be another good blog post.
Along with the whole mental illness thing, there's this thing called Bipolar In Order that I've just started working on. That will get more complicated as things progress.
So that's it. My six things tugging at me. I'm struggling to find balance. As of tonight, I have 1 day of abstinence from compulsive overeating. I even skipped the diet soda with dinner when I realized that I was more than a little lusting after it. Impure thoughts about soda pop = water for me. I felt pretty good about it.
I weighed myself just now and I'm at my lowest weight in years: 258.2 lbs. I know it's because of the restraint I showed today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be just as good.
Tomorrow, I'm off to the shrink for another opinion, it looks like. If you read this, Pray for me. I'm terrified of change, even though so much of my life is terrible right now. Does that make any sense?