Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I have not been very active on here,but I am still trying to get healthier,even though my life is a mess!!! My marriage has seen better days...way better days! I am unhappy,and just tired of trying to hang on to what seems like nothing! I have been married 13 yrs,and it just seems to long to throw away. I also have a little one who would be devastated!!! I just don't know what happened? we were going great for about 3-4 yrs then I found out his addiction to pornography. I had a bill come in the mail that was very expensive! I had a talk with him and I thought it had stopped,but no we have been battling it ever since!! He will not sleep with me(sorry if this is TMI for some reading this,but It feels good to get it out) we have not made love in going on 2 yrs now!! crazy right??? I am a woman of faith,or i would have left a long time ago! But lately I just want to give up!! I want to be happy and be loved the way God intended. For those who want to ask,do you make advances,I have in the past,but was shot down,so now I do not bother...cant take the rejection. He tells me he just has no sex drive,but then the porn?? Obviously you have a sex drive,but for some reason I am not enough for you!!
I blocked him on the computer,he did ask me to because of a recent situation he got himself into and had to pay more money again!! so now I wake up once or twice a week and see that he has watched about 4 or 5 movies in the gay and lesbian category on netflix! just ridiculous!! He tells me he feels so bad and just stupid,like he wants me to coddle him or something like he is the victim in this situation!! He is crabby all the time,says he thinks about killing himself...then if I bring it back up he says he just said it because he was mad.
He acts like he wants me to stay,but I cant see why? I told him fri that I wanted to leave,he acted sad about it,and so I stay(not just for him,but because I feel that is what God says to do) and I know nothing will change!! he will keep on doing the same crap! I did not even want to write all this in a blog,but did so hoping that if anyone reading this has gone through this,do you have any advice for me?? did you stay and did it all work out? My father is the pastor of the church I attend,and I just can not tell him. I have told my sisters,but now I think they are just getting sick of hearing it! Plus it has made some of them not like him,so they stay away.
This has just done a number on my self esteem!! I feel ugly,fat,boring,and that I can never be that porn star that he seeks!! I think if i loose weight it will help,but the problem is not me...IT IS HIM!!!!!!