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My life!!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I have not been very active on here,but I am still trying to get healthier,even though my life is a mess!!! My marriage has seen better days...way better days! I am unhappy,and just tired of trying to hang on to what seems like nothing! I have been married 13 yrs,and it just seems to long to throw away. I also have a little one who would be devastated!!! I just don't know what happened? we were going great for about 3-4 yrs then I found out his addiction to pornography. I had a bill come in the mail that was very expensive! I had a talk with him and I thought it had stopped,but no we have been battling it ever since!! He will not sleep with me(sorry if this is TMI for some reading this,but It feels good to get it out) we have not made love in going on 2 yrs now!! crazy right??? I am a woman of faith,or i would have left a long time ago! But lately I just want to give up!! I want to be happy and be loved the way God intended. For those who want to ask,do you make advances,I have in the past,but was shot down,so now I do not bother...cant take the rejection. He tells me he just has no sex drive,but then the porn?? Obviously you have a sex drive,but for some reason I am not enough for you!!
I blocked him on the computer,he did ask me to because of a recent situation he got himself into and had to pay more money again!! so now I wake up once or twice a week and see that he has watched about 4 or 5 movies in the gay and lesbian category on netflix! just ridiculous!! He tells me he feels so bad and just stupid,like he wants me to coddle him or something like he is the victim in this situation!! He is crabby all the time,says he thinks about killing himself...then if I bring it back up he says he just said it because he was mad.

He acts like he wants me to stay,but I cant see why? I told him fri that I wanted to leave,he acted sad about it,and so I stay(not just for him,but because I feel that is what God says to do) and I know nothing will change!! he will keep on doing the same crap! I did not even want to write all this in a blog,but did so hoping that if anyone reading this has gone through this,do you have any advice for me?? did you stay and did it all work out? My father is the pastor of the church I attend,and I just can not tell him. I have told my sisters,but now I think they are just getting sick of hearing it! Plus it has made some of them not like him,so they stay away.

This has just done a number on my self esteem!! I feel ugly,fat,boring,and that I can never be that porn star that he seeks!! I think if i loose weight it will help,but the problem is not me...IT IS HIM!!!!!!

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  • GEORGE815
    Addictions are lousy for everyone.Good luck in this one.
    1681 days ago
    I am so sorry about your situation. I know it seems unbearable, but be sure there is solution: God's solution. I agree with another writer that you need counseling from a Friendly, reliable Pastor. Porn is an addiction just as drugs are. It gets a grip on a man that only God can release. Does he go to church at all? Does he claim to know the Lord? I too will pray for you and you know prayer is powerful. emoticon
    1684 days ago
    You say you should stay for your child, but is your child really better off with a porn addict as a role model? Is your child really better off when you and your husband are projecting unhappiness and negativity? If you don't want to talk to your father, ask one of the other pastors in the area, or get your father to recommend someone who is a marriage counselor. Find a counselor. For yourself and your own peace of mind, even if your husband ends up not going. Take your child to the counselor, too.
    1684 days ago
    yes the decision to stay or go is so hard! I do love him,but right now I am so angry with him that I hate to be around him. And should I stay for my child,and show him how miserable we both are? It is not good for him to see how his mom and dad are with each other...I want him to know how he is to love his wife in the future!
    I want to seperate for a while,but I was told that is wrong also. I dont know? Anymore Im just to the point that yes perhaps it is a sin,but so are other things we do! God will still love me. Just feel so broken these days!
    1684 days ago
  • DMORELLI1031
    I am sorry about your husband, I will keep you in my prayers
    1684 days ago
    He definitely needs help. My ex husband had a horrid addiction to porn and guess what, no matter how much they say it'll stop, it won't. It's true the Bible says to stay, but being miserable shouldn't have to be part of marriage. You deserve the utmost happiness, and if its without him, then so be it. And personally I believe that staying together for the kids is an awful idea. It would be better to be apart and be friends for the sake of the child than to try and force a real healthy normal looking relationship. Just my opinion.
    1684 days ago
    Wow, I'm sorry to read your situation.
    Your husband needs some help, some councilling.
    He is absolutely the one jeopardizing your relationship and family and, you are right, it's not your fault. Now believe it and take back your self-esteem!

    Take care. Spark mail me if you want to rant.


    1684 days ago
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