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Existential Crisis a-brewing! Make it Stop!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Disclaimer: If you don't want to hear wining, don't ready any further.

Have you seen the commercial (I think it's for a credit card?) where a girl gets a parking ticket, so she goes to the gym and beats the cr@p out of a punching bag (and honestly kicks some serious butt doing it)?

Well, that is EXACTLY what I feel like I need to do today. That, or climb to the top of my building and just scream as loud as I can. Either one would honestly do just fine.

Have you ever had one of those days? You wake up after a night of uuber crummy sleep, totally drained of all your energy, and completely void of the will to do anything? To top it all off your in a moody funk, and all of your problems seem HUGE, overwhelming, and just down right ANNOYING!? Okay well, if you don't know what that feels like you're one LUCKY person, but that's me today in a nutshell. And because I have neither a punching bag OR the power to get on top of my building; spewing a (hopefully therapeutic) blog will simply have to suffice.

I feel like the only way to 'release the demons' is to "talk" it out. So truly, I apologize in advance for the piss-poor attitude of this blog. I don't like being a Debbie-downer, but I can't quite put my finger on one specific thing that's making me so uneasy, and honestly down right fowl... Well I can actually put my finger on A LOT of things, and I think that's actually the problem. I know some of them aren't justified. But I just feel like it's all piling on and I'm overwhelmed. So maybe I just need to get it out, like popping a zit.

Problem #1: "I SLEPT LIKE POOH LAST NIGHT" (an understatement!)
Literally slept in 10-15 minute intervals. I had terrible TERRIBLE dreams about people dying, friends turning into dolls, failing tests, failing at life, having amnesia, you name it. If it's bizarre or about Biology it kept me up ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Which I think is quite certainly the main factor contributing to my foul mood today... I realize that.... but it doesn't make me feel any less irritated.

Problem #2: THE JOB!
I honestly can't stand my job!!! Not so much my job, but more specifically my boss. She is so hot and cold it's a nightmare. You never know what's going to set her off next, or if today you're going to be her best friend or arch nemesis for no good reason. Literally she has not said but three words to me today they were "here. you. go." Not kidding. She probably walks by me about 74 times a day too. I really want to get out of this place and find a different job, but going to school I can't really afford to... With hubby taking his EMT job (and pay cut) we need every penny now more than ever. I'd love nothing more than to find a job at least in the medical field, but without experience I wouldn't make what I do now.. Unless I can go be an office manager somewhere, even then that's a long shot. I'm secretly hoping the opportunity will arise for me to work at the Corneal Specialist I was moon lighting for... But that's more of a pipe dream..... Dreaming, BLEH. Sour taste in my mouth right now with THAT subject!

Problem #3 TEACHERS!
I went into my BIO class yesterday feeling totally confident about our exam.... I dedicated at least 12 hours of my weekend reviewing our lecture notes, and taking HIS practice tests (acing them too btw)... Only to find NONE of the material on the practice tests was actually on the test, and in fact, a lot of the test was material we never even discussed in lectures (Oh, "but there was one small sentence somewhere in the book").... It's been a while since I've been in school, but IS THIS NORMAL?!?! I got a 76% on the test, and honestly, it ruined my night!! Obviously it spilled into today too! I was SO FRUSTRATED!! I wasn't alone, but still.... After all that hard work I put into studying, to get a C??? Seriously.. WHAT. THE...... ??? And how do I fix it for next time? Read ALL the chapters over and over? Ain't nobody got TIME for that! I sure don't! What is the point of the practice tests anyways!?!?

Problem 4: PAINS IN MY.....
I also woke up today to notice the tell-tale-AWFUL pain in my right lower abdomen.. No doubt the return of yet another ovarian cyst. LUCKY ME! My poor hubby was trying to be supportive by encouraging me to call into work, but that only made me more mad. My boss already thinks me going to school automatically makes me a lazy liability at work (regardless of the fact I kick @ss daily and my work hasn't suffered one bit). I can only imagine what she'd say/do if I called in sick (even though it's my right). I have a ton of work to do and she's made it abundantly clear I am in no way allowed to ask my co-workers for help. Awesome huh?

In a perfect world I would be able to sleep like a baby, feel refreshed in the morning, not let my bosses rudeness bother me, I'd feel comfortable actually saying "I need to go home" without feeling guilty (because I'm afraid she'll use it against me), the pesky cyst would POP already, and I'd be able to know what to study on my tests so I can be successful. Sadly, it's not a perfect world, therefore I have to find other means to cope. I the most obvious answer is I have a choice: I can wine about it, accept it, or change it... Trouble is which one? That, or I need to go find a punching bag. I think honestly that's the best of all the options! Maybe I can go tonight at midnight after I finish studying? Perpetual. Vicious. Cycle. Continues.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have not been to school for a while now, but YES, I hear this SAME THING all the time from college/university kids. Some teachers often give exams from stuff out of the TEXT BOOK, not their lectures or notes... still, getting a 76% on all stuff you didn't really know.. DAMN, I'd be SOOO HAPPY about that! (Considering the other kids were probably just as WTF as you when they saw the test!)

    Your sleep will improve when the work/ school stress goes away... your choice when that will be! (Mentally, you can release it using the punching bag or screaming methods... or meditation OR yoga) You will get there, Babe! We all must learn how to deal with stress!

    (PS... can you try killing your boss with kindness? She sounds to me like she might suffer from "B!tchy resting Face". If you've never heard of it, Check it out on YouTube!)

    BIG HUGS!!!
    1682 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/13/2013 11:02:02 AM
    Unfortunately, the higher the education the more the lack of standard things to study. Lectures are a guideline, not the whole material. Most of my teachers use their lectures during class, but the books during exams. So, your best shot is always gonna be the book; lectures are for a quick review or as index.

    Hang in there! Seems that it's a bad period but you CAN and you WILL make it work; I'm certain!

    1683 days ago
    1683 days ago
    So sorry to hear what a crummy day you had...tomorrow WILL be better!! Hang in there! Sending big hugs your way!
    1684 days ago
    Good for you for getting it all out! Sometimes it just makes sense to write it down and get it out of your head. I'm going to school to be a health coach and still working with a crazy coworker who frequently has a mental breakdown and is gone for weeks at a time (this last one was almost 4 months!). It's taking a toll on me but what keeps me going is learning how to coach and to start helping people. You can get through this! Hugs and I hope things improve SOON!

    By the way - I do tae kwon do and it's a GREAT way to get out frustrations! And I have a small wavemaster (stand up punching bag) in my garage that I'm going to get my husband to bring into the house that I can literally punch anytime I want. Hang in there!
    1684 days ago
    So sorry to hear what a crummy day you had...tomorrow WILL be better!! Hang in there! Sending big hugs your way!
    1684 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Vent away!

    Wishing you some quality emoticon and emoticon
    1684 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    So sorry you're having a bad day! Good news is, tomorrow will be a great day!!! emoticon
    1684 days ago
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    1684 days ago
    I know those days when you are just so overwhelmed that you don't even know where to begin. I bet the bad dreams was due to your anxiety over not acing the test. But the good news is that once you do just ok on a test that the shock and awe of not making an A are over. And the next time you don't do as well (and unfortunately there will be a next time, experience talking) it will just roll off your shoulders but in the end you will still do GREAT!

    I remember when I first started grad school while working that I was so overwhelmed and striving to be perfect in everything I did. It took a toll on me and my life, especially my marriage. I was resentful that I had to study on the weekend while my husband hung out with friends, was lazy around the house, etc. My social life was pretty non-existent. As I got more used to balancing work and school things did change. I realized I made the choice to go back to school so I can't be resentful that I am working extra hours and my husband and friends are not. I learned to let go at being perfect at everything - the biggest hurdle - and did the best I could. I was able to stay afloat at my job and still graduate with very good grades and have a husband and great friends. I only had two classes left when I had my daughter so I didn't have to juggle kids too much but in time you will figure it all out.

    RELAX. BREATHE. and realize this is NOT the end of the world! You will ROCK school, and work, and LIFE emoticon
    1684 days ago
    Ugh, good for you for writing it out!
    Here are my words of wisdom. Keep it in persepective. It is only one test, and your first one? so now you know.. maybe speak to the teacher and share your concern/thoughts that you thought you were prepared and just want to make sure you are the next time?
    Work sucks sometimes, but you are taking the steps toward your dream job, so hold on if you can.
    Sorry about the cyst and bad sleep, not much to do there.. My only thought on sleep is try clearing your head with a good book or maybe a bad book that makes you sleepy.. OR read some of that boring Biology textbook.. that will put you into a coma for sure! Or I find one Sodoku puzzle puts me to sleep.. hopefully for good.
    Good luck and rock on! you've go this!

    1684 days ago
    I'm so sorry that every thing is so rough for you right now, but it will all start to look better when you aren't so down. The blog is a great place for you to put your feelings out there and get it off of your chest and I truly hope that tomorrow is a brighter better day for you! emoticon
    1684 days ago
  • LYNSEY723
    I'm so sorry you are having one of those days. I certainly understand how you feel. As far as the teacher portion - I had a teacher EXACTLY like that. In fact, he is the reason I never finished my business degree. He taught (probably still teaches) micro and macro economics. During class he would share stories about his travels, then, like you said, give practice tests that were pretty easy - then a completely different test! On top of that he would continue his "lectures" after class was over and if you didn't stay to listen (you know, make it to the next class on time) he would hand out the take home tests to the 5 people who stuck around. Everyone else was SOL.

    Anyway - What I'm saying is I feel your pain. I really hope things turn around and tomorrow is a better day for you.

    1684 days ago
    I get on my WII Fit Plus, go directly to the Boxing exercise in the Aerobics area and beat the p!ss out of that bag!! I have a person here at work that is usually the one I am aiming at too!
    You have definitely come to the right place, there are an enormous amount of poeple who know just how you feel. And getting it from inside your head and OUT really does help!
    Hang in there, it WILL get better! In the meantime, vent away!

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    1684 days ago
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