Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Ugh. If you couldn't tell by the blog title, I'm in a bit of a funk.
I've been a bit off ever since returning from my vacation. It seems like things would have been just fine and dandy except my Ex randomly texted me the moment I got off the plane, and a surprisingly lengthy chat ensued that left me feeling emotional and lonely and rejected, like I had been dumped all over again. It is really frustrating, too, because he's contacted me out of the blue like that several times lately wanting to randomly chat and saying that he misses my intelligence and our conversation and even went so far as to saying he'll never be able to find that kind of connection with another person again. But of course after saying stuff like that he had to reiterate that I killed any form of physical/sexual desire he could have toward me by refusing to lose weight and be attractive to him so that's pretty much how it was going to be.
Um, excuse me? Tactless much? Last time I checked that wasn't a free pass to treat me like a random floating entity on the internet that you can idly chat to whenever you feel like it, and ignore the fact that I'm an actual person with - yes - a body and emotions and feelings. It feels like I'm being used, like he just wants a detached voice to chat with and wants to skirt the responsibilities of a friendship or even an acquaintance. It makes me feel less than human, like that's the only form that I'm worth knowing or talking too.
And it doesn't help that when that encounter made me desperate to go out and have fun with some friends, I was met with the bitter realization that I didn't have any friends. When I texted one guy asking if he wanted to do lunch or something, he waited an hour and half to text back and say he had already eaten; when I responded that that was okay, did he want to see a movie or get some drinks or something, he didn't bother to respond at all. That left me feeling more alone and rejected than ever.
And I've been in a funk ever since.
I guess I might be depressed or bored or something. I don't quite know. So far I'm just bummed out all the time, and I sleep a lot and my entire day goes work,half a movie when I get home, and sleep. Rinse and repeat. I have no energy and can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. And yeah - I've been doing terribly on food. I estimate that yesterday I was able to keep it between 1300-1400 calories, but all the days before were 1700 or more. I lost three of the four pounds I gained during vacation but thanks to my terrible habits one of those pounds has crept back on. I know it's my fault because I end up having a short mini-gorge when I get home from work (perhaps falling back on old coping mechanisms) and ruining my previously good food day. It's frustrating. I feel like I'm pulling teeth out trying to motivate myself and stay on track, but it's so hard right now.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder what the point of everything is. It's not like I have anyone. If it's just me, then why does putting so much work into my body and my life even matter?
I know I'm being a huge bummer and I'm sorry for whining so much. Part of me just hopes that venting about it will incite some emotional change or something. Right now I'm desperately hoping that Friday gets here quickly so I can have some time off from work again - just going and keeping up appearances so no one asks me if I'm okay is draining. Ugh.
Here's hoping I can keep it together today and stay on track for food.