Monday, June 10, 2013
I have been a member of SparkPeople since 2007. (This is my second account, which I created in an attempt to have a "clean slate.") Since that time, I have "started over" with SparkPeople more times than I can count. (Literally. I've lost count.) Every time, I approached the endeavor with excitement, but my commitment always flagged early on ... usually on the first day, when I realized I was STARVING, or I had an emotional WTF moment, or whatever. I did manage to lose about 24# back in the spring of 2008, but I fell off the wagon and never got up again. Each subsequent false start continued to erode my resolve and determination.
Is it a coincidence that I married in 2007? Probably just a coincidence, but even so, I think it is worth noting, if only because I've recently split from my husband of 5 years (we'd been together for over 10). We separated on February 10, so we've been split for exactly 4 months today. It's not official yet; there's no "official" separation period in my state, and I have to wait until we've been living separate for 6 months before I can file for divorce. Even if it's not official, this it the real deal, y'all. I'm finished. You couldn't get me to take him back, not for a million bucks.
The last four months have been very introspective, as I expect the coming months to be. While my husband's behavior was never outright abusive, it was just as psychologically damaging. I've been slowly peeling back the layers, and in doing so, I've found strength I forgot I had. I've spent this time focusing on myself, getting to know myself better, and trying to figure out what I want out of my life, now that I'm no longer tethered to a failing marriage. I haven't come to any hard-and-fast conclusions yet; it's still a work in progress.
Also coincidentally, I turned 34 a few weeks ago, and it's the first birthday for which I've been single in 11 years. I couldn't help but think JUST HOW DIFFERENT my life is now, compared to my 33rd birthday, and next year (my 35th) will be even more different.
I've been thinking, this is quite the opportunity. Yes, my 35th birthday will be very different. And I have two options: I can go with the flow and let whatever happens, happen; or I can make this year what I want, and I can take this new-found strength and use that to focus myself towards becoming the me I've always wanted.
In spring 2008, I think I (initially) succeeded with my weight loss because I was in such a great place emotionally: I was a newlywed (what a high), I had quit smoking the previous spring, and I felt like I was riding on top of the world. But by that summer, my marriage was had already started its downward spiral, and while I wasn't ready to admit it consciously, my husband's behavior was already starting to take its toll on me.
Now, in the early summer of 2012, I'm in a good place again. But not because of external, artificial factors -- because I've finally broken out of that emotional and psychological prison. And the fact that I was able to do that makes me feel like I could do anything. Anything and everything.