Monday, June 10, 2013
Today I'm wondering why I don't even seem to be happy. From an observer's point of view, I am always smiling and laughing. I have a nice house, a good husband, a good looking son. I have a good paying job. I have lots of friends, but on the inside, well I have a horrible litany going on. If I was skinnier I'd be happier. If I was earning more money, I'd be happier. If I didn't have to work I'd be happier.
I do jump from job to job. The longest I have been in any job is just under three years which ended 2011. I didn't leave that job, the company closed down. If it hadn't have closed down, I'd still be there.
Ever since, I've been trying to find a place like it. While rationally I know that no two places are ever the same, I still want what I lost. Last year I did some temp roles. Each of them no more than 2 - 3 months. I enjoyed it but I hated the insecurity of when one job ended having to go find another one.
Where I am now, well like all jobs I started it with high hopes. I felt a bit pressured into this role as there was another possible option but the recruiter wouldn't let me have the extra time I wanted to decide between the two.
Everyone at this job has been working together for at least eight years. They are set in their ways. I was asked to streamline things and write procedures then implement them. I did this but when it came time to implement them,, the boss backed down. He continues to let things that are illegal to continue.
I am isolated because of trying to implement the changes he asked for but then wont implement. I cant talk to any of my co workers because everything I say gets twisted around. I don't talk to anyone about anything. Its kind of lonely and depressing
I have started keeping records of all the things I am being asked to do that I know are wrong. Records of all the times that I have been bullied.
I'm stuck here for at least two years otherwise, I wont be able to get another full time role. Recruiters don't want people who jump from job to job.
I don't know whats wrong with me.