Sunday, June 09, 2013
I truly, honestly, deeply HATE SAD. There's been sunshine for a while now, I've been to light therapy and got the sunburn to prove it, I'm eating as much calcium and vitamin D as my daily calorie allowance will permit, and I'm STILL not over this seasonal affective disorder thing.
It feels like I should be. I know I shouldn't put this pressure on myself, but I've DECIDED I don't want to feel that weak and weepy anymore, so normally my body and brain should DO what I want.
Guess what? They're not.
I'm used to my body betraying me, breaking down, being injured and not healing right, but my brain?
See, now I'm angry. I HATE SAD. It makes me into an emotional mess. It makes me feel like these stereotypical girls you see in the movies when normally I'm pretty much collected, focused, and driven by logic more than emotions.
I can't make sense of all this.
SAD is hell for those who value structure in their thoughts. I think it's hell for everyone, but for me, it's throwing everything I am into a blender, pureeing it, and pouring the whole messed-up mixture out again. I can't shut out the things I want to shut out, I can't keep my mind together and just get things done. I get lost in flashbacks and memories, and people make me jump so hard I think I'm going to have a heart attack one of these days. The worst thing is that exercising exacerbates the problem this time instead of making it better. I can't run, so my preferred way of getting rid of excess "feels" is out. Strength training doesn't give me the satisfaction running does, and I'm exhausted and angry and a big ball of stress at the end.
I NEED to get OVER this!
I came home from work today, curled up on my couch and pretty much started crying because one of the saddest pieces of music I know was on the radio (Michael Kamen's Band of Brothers theme). It's a miracle I kept it together through work.
I rationally know it has to do with adjusting to a new thyroid med dose while combating SAD simultaneously. Now, if only the rest of me would LISTEN I wouldn't be a red-eyed, sniffling mess while outside there's sunshine and laughing kids and a bbq.
I'm just going to pretend it's all because I'm watching UP and put that on right now. *nods*