The demon in me..
Saturday, June 08, 2013
Lets all be honest for a minute.. We all have our inner demons. Mine just happen to be really over powering and controlling (where the hell are the Winchesters when I need them). I've got a few specific ones that I can name. There's Junk Food Johnny, Binge Betty, and Susie Excusie. They all like to hold hands and collectively ruin my life. See, it starts with JFJ. Towards the end of the day, he tends to wake up. Now he's not quiet when he wakes up either, he runs around with a trash can lid and a drum stick and he beats the crap outta that lid to make sure that BB and SE wake up too. After they are all awake, they begin their assault on me. Johnny runs around, yelling all the delicious junk foods that are my weaknesses. Betty follows close behind him, telling me that I should definitely eat all of the things that Johnny is suggesting, because don't they just sound SO good?! I look to Susie in desperation, but she just smiles and pats my hand and says "it's okay, one binge won't hurt you! It'll all be okay, just start again tomorrow! One day won't kill you!" They all stand there, watching me with their arms crossed and smirks on their faces. Me... By this point I'm usually in the kitchen stuffing my face with something, and I feel like I didn't even mean to end up there. Usually as I'm walking to the kitchen, I'm thinking "here it goes again". But for some reason, I'm powerless to stop it. My eyes don't black out or anything (trying to see how many supernatural references I can make in this blog, haha) but if someone looked in my eyes at this point, they'd probably see some cookies and ice creams pints flying around. And of course, once that initial "diet breaker" of the day is done, I throw the rest of the day too. And I know, I've read all the comparisons and mantras out there (like if I dropped my phone, I wouldn't get a hammer and continue to smash it) but for some reason I just don't follow them.
I'm in the binge habit, I've been in binge mode for months now, and I don't know how to reverse it. It's not boredom, because it only strikes in the evening whether I'm at work or at home. I usually try to substitute something healthy for it, but it doesn't work. If I'm completely honest with myself, I've only been 100% good ONE day this week. One, that's it. It's so bad! I want my control back, I want my power back! Now I understand why people are anorexic, because they feel like they have some sort of control. Don't get me wrong, I could never be anorexic because I friggin love food. I just need to love food in a healthier relationship, because right now, I've definitely got an obsessive relationship with it. It's no secret that I'm a total foodie, I looooove food. But I need to figure out how to love it for the right reasons (like that it keeps my body healthy and fueled) instead of loving it because I love Reese's.
And yes I realize this blog is basically paragraphs of madness, but hey, you read this far already... Anyone got any tips for stomping the evening demons?