Saturday, June 08, 2013
I am outside composing this on my phone alone.
I have not been here since April of this year. As the months go by everyday I wonder why I cannot simply stick to a happiness program which is the first thing on my priority list. A visit to a psychiatrist and a psychologist over the past many months have done nothing. The medication had horrible side effects and prevented me from doing a lot.
I am adopted and this had been a huge hurdle on my life. Probably the main one and something that had bothered the inner Dave for as long as I can remember. Lately I have been waking from deep sleeps with disturbing"a ha" moments and realizing why I an this way - unhappy and sad and inconsistent. For the past many years (16+), I have been searching for happiness. I know, funny; especially since everybody around me has it or seems to have it...
I have tried over the years to fix myself - my bad eating, my negativity, my horrible outlook on jobs - only to succumb to reverting to my old self completed with horrible eating and inconsistent behaviors. I know this as I have regularly teased and mocked myself in mirrors and while driving about my weight, my lack of being able to advance in my career and just plain sadness - it's almost like I enjoy it and feel comfortable and familiar with it. I also talk and have always talked badly of others; both internally and worse off, to coworkers and family members. Even as child, I would tease - I actually have a flashback of mocking a girl at my elementary school bus stop who was so poor, she ate cat food - that her dad died because she was so ugly - all I remember her horror in tears and crying. Why am I so evil (it seems) and negative? That's the question - Jealousy and probably because I want people to feel the pain that I feel for some sadistic reason.
I sometimes catch myself being negative or degrading and for the remainder of the thought process all I can do is then ponder and try to find out why I do that. Medication and doctors are the wrong path Internal hatred, jealousy and self mocking is the issue.
I have been to very dark places in my mind - suicide (eating myself to death). Something that I struggle with periodically but always a dark cloud. I think that abandonment has left me feeling lonely, helpless and impacted in such a way that I am searching for:
1. The reason I was given up.
2. Why haven't mother and father searched for me?
3. The frustration in knowing that I only have vague descriptions and occupations of my birth parents and that if they want to contact me (state of NY law), they need to initiate.
4. Holiday (birthday, mother/father day, xmas, etc.)toment internally but having to put on a show for all while I have my own torture party in my mind.
5. Ways to open to people so I don't feel vulnerable - I am always putting on a show at work and feel isolated while everybody else seems to make friends and go out to lunch. This has always been my issue - even as a child in the playground in the corner alone.
6. A closure to my dad's death in 2011 - he and I were close enough, but when he passed unexpectedly, it left so many wounds from the past that I cannot come to terms with not apologizing and closing some of our disagreements.
7. My mom is now doing OK, has some health issues but will eventually pass - how to deal this feeling of loneliness once again.
8. My sister got married and although I seemed happy at the wedding, I can no longer have those long conversations with her on the phone as she'll be busy with the hubby - probably a repeat of jealousy that I had of her friends while I grew up...
A brief thought summary of my past is below for me to expose them to my eyes in hopes of cleansing and moving on. I need to get the thoughts on paper.. the thoughts below are mine and I am aware of other opinions. I also am aware that it would be difficult for a single mother in the 60's to raise a boy in NYC - perhaps her options were limited, but as a person who does not identify with a birth family, I never felt a part of the family regardless of how many hugs and kisses were exchanged.
Issues that are weighing me down:
1. Adoption - if you have not been adopted, you will never understand the wondering and sadness that comes with it. Every day, there is no escaping the reality that I was abandoned and given away. Random events or dreams trigger lonely feelings of abandonment. A simple medical history form asking for family history is always hard - especially when the staff start prying and asking if I have tried to contract my birth mother.
2. I loathe happy people. Why are they happy? it seems fake and artificial. My opinion of others is usually gauged by how happy they are. The less happy they are , I gravitate toward them. If they are happy and smile, they are phony and non genuine. I love to go into whole foods, but when approached by a genuinely happy and caring associate, I stand back - "what do they want from me, why are they happy" - these types of feelings disturb me and I'm not sure why.
3. This past mother's day I did not think about if my birth mother was thinking of me. I've done this for years as far as I can remember, but this year was different and I am not sure if it was wrong? Guilt. Does she ever think of me? Is she alive and was/isshe trying to find me desperately? This haunts me virtually every day as I seek belonging to a birth unit.
4. I enjoy sabatoging friendships, happiness and contentment of others. since a child, I would bully my sisters friends when they would visit - I was not nice and would tease them about their looks and appearance - I was a pain in the ass young boy. What was I scared of? Probably that my sister would abandon me. I can recall Saturday mornings (we were extremely close while we were young kids) where I would crawl into her bed around 9am or so and we'd just sleep together - no, nothing ever sexual, just a genuine love and enjoyment of being with somebody in the same house my own age (more or less, she's 3 years younger). We even had a 'radio show' when we were younger in the house - we would record our voices and record my dad's stereo in real time and introduce the songs and silly stuff like that. I would eventually turn against her while in college as we drifted apart. To this day, I don't know why. We were never close like that again once boyfriends and girlfriends and my wife were in the picture. I guess, I was protecting myself from being hurt if she abandoned me - numbing myself in case she left.
I apologize for typos but don't want to edit so keep the originality.
So there I have it. A royal pain in the ass, negative 47 year old drama king. Now...
With time, constant mental work and thinking alone (shrinks just got rich from me), I hope to find out why my head has turned out the way it has and try to shift. Once I sort of have an idea, I need to address and somehow try to be consistent. I am not and never have been consistent. Some people are planners and cleaners, but I always just seem to be a mess inside. THIS is the work that I have planned out to solving.
The plan - when I was in college, I picked up a few Wayne Dyer and motivational type books. They got me through break ups and changes in my life and I always gravitated toward that stuff - going into new age book stores while visiting LA and Boston to wanting to visit the Hare Krishna's in Penn State - maybe searching for something that would give me a sense of belonging. Well my Dyer books are gone, but I have found some on ebay and amazon as well as CDs in the library. Just listening to them and rereading Erroneous Zones is bringing back feelings of happiness and success. The trick though is that I need to stay with this and perhaps dig deeper in dreaming to understand WHO AM I and WHY can't I seem to be happy.
If I am happy, then everything else should just fall into place right? Rather than trying to seek happiness through jobs, clothes, losing weight or moving to a different state that brings back good memories - I've heard it time and time again; be thankful for what you have (i.e. be happy) and everything else will work itself out.
OK, her I go.... Jumping in the deep end: 1.....2.....3.... Splash.
See you later, Dave