the mind -outside listening to music and doing this on my phone. - Edited
Saturday, June 08, 2013
I am outside composing this on my phone alone.
I have not been here since April of this year. As the months go by everyday I wonder why I cannot simply stick to a happiness program which is the first thing on my priority list. A visit to a psychiatrist and a psychologist over the past many months have done nothing. The medication had horrible side effects and prevented me from doing a lot.
I am adopted and this had been a huge hurdle on my life. Probably the main one and something that had bothered the inner Dave for as long as I can remember. Lately I have been waking from deep sleeps with disturbing"a ha" moments and realizing why I an this way - unhappy and sad and inconsistent. For the past many years (16+), I have been searching for happiness. I know, funny; especially since everybody around me has it or seems to have it...
I have tried over the years to fix myself - my bad eating, my negativity, my horrible outlook on jobs - only to succumb to reverting to my old self completed with horrible eating and inconsistent behaviors. I know this as I have regularly teased and mocked myself in mirrors and while driving about my weight, my lack of being able to advance in my career and just plain sadness - it's almost like I enjoy it and feel comfortable and familiar with it. I also talk and have always talked badly of others; both internally and worse off, to coworkers and family members. Even as child, I would tease - I actually have a flashback of mocking a girl at my elementary school bus stop who was so poor, she ate cat food - that her dad died because she was so ugly - all I remember her horror in tears and crying. Why am I so evil (it seems) and negative? That's the question - Jealousy and probably because I want people to feel the pain that I feel for some sadistic reason.
I sometimes catch myself being negative or degrading and for the remainder of the thought process all I can do is then ponder and try to find out why I do that. Medication and doctors are the wrong path Internal hatred, jealousy and self mocking is the issue.
I have been to very dark places in my mind - suicide (eating myself to death). Something that I struggle with periodically but always a dark cloud. I think that abandonment has left me feeling lonely, helpless and impacted in such a way that I am searching for:
1. The reason I was given up.
2. Why haven't mother and father searched for me?
3. The frustration in knowing that I only have vague descriptions and occupations of my birth parents and that if they want to contact me (state of NY law), they need to initiate.
4. Holiday (birthday, mother/father day, xmas, etc.)toment internally but having to put on a show for all while I have my own torture party in my mind.
5. Ways to open to people so I don't feel vulnerable - I am always putting on a show at work and feel isolated while everybody else seems to make friends and go out to lunch. This has always been my issue - even as a child in the playground in the corner alone.
6. A closure to my dad's death in 2011 - he and I were close enough, but when he passed unexpectedly, it left so many wounds from the past that I cannot come to terms with not apologizing and closing some of our disagreements.
7. My mom is now doing OK, has some health issues but will eventually pass - how to deal this feeling of loneliness once again.
8. My sister got married and although I seemed happy at the wedding, I can no longer have those long conversations with her on the phone as she'll be busy with the hubby - probably a repeat of jealousy that I had of her friends while I grew up...
A brief thought summary of my past is below for me to expose them to my eyes in hopes of cleansing and moving on. I need to get the thoughts on paper.. the thoughts below are mine and I am aware of other opinions. I also am aware that it would be difficult for a single mother in the 60's to raise a boy in NYC - perhaps her options were limited, but as a person who does not identify with a birth family, I never felt a part of the family regardless of how many hugs and kisses were exchanged.
Issues that are weighing me down:
1. Adoption - if you have not been adopted, you will never understand the wondering and sadness that comes with it. Every day, there is no escaping the reality that I was abandoned and given away. Random events or dreams trigger lonely feelings of abandonment. A simple medical history form asking for family history is always hard - especially when the staff start prying and asking if I have tried to contract my birth mother.
2. I loathe happy people. Why are they happy? it seems fake and artificial. My opinion of others is usually gauged by how happy they are. The less happy they are , I gravitate toward them. If they are happy and smile, they are phony and non genuine. I love to go into whole foods, but when approached by a genuinely happy and caring associate, I stand back - "what do they want from me, why are they happy" - these types of feelings disturb me and I'm not sure why.
3. This past mother's day I did not think about if my birth mother was thinking of me. I've done this for years as far as I can remember, but this year was different and I am not sure if it was wrong? Guilt. Does she ever think of me? Is she alive and was/isshe trying to find me desperately? This haunts me virtually every day as I seek belonging to a birth unit.
4. I enjoy sabatoging friendships, happiness and contentment of others. since a child, I would bully my sisters friends when they would visit - I was not nice and would tease them about their looks and appearance - I was a pain in the ass young boy. What was I scared of? Probably that my sister would abandon me. I can recall Saturday mornings (we were extremely close while we were young kids) where I would crawl into her bed around 9am or so and we'd just sleep together - no, nothing ever sexual, just a genuine love and enjoyment of being with somebody in the same house my own age (more or less, she's 3 years younger). We even had a 'radio show' when we were younger in the house - we would record our voices and record my dad's stereo in real time and introduce the songs and silly stuff like that. I would eventually turn against her while in college as we drifted apart. To this day, I don't know why. We were never close like that again once boyfriends and girlfriends and my wife were in the picture. I guess, I was protecting myself from being hurt if she abandoned me - numbing myself in case she left.
I apologize for typos but don't want to edit so keep the originality.
So there I have it. A royal pain in the ass, negative 47 year old drama king. Now...
With time, constant mental work and thinking alone (shrinks just got rich from me), I hope to find out why my head has turned out the way it has and try to shift. Once I sort of have an idea, I need to address and somehow try to be consistent. I am not and never have been consistent. Some people are planners and cleaners, but I always just seem to be a mess inside. THIS is the work that I have planned out to solving.
The plan - when I was in college, I picked up a few Wayne Dyer and motivational type books. They got me through break ups and changes in my life and I always gravitated toward that stuff - going into new age book stores while visiting LA and Boston to wanting to visit the Hare Krishna's in Penn State - maybe searching for something that would give me a sense of belonging. Well my Dyer books are gone, but I have found some on ebay and amazon as well as CDs in the library. Just listening to them and rereading Erroneous Zones is bringing back feelings of happiness and success. The trick though is that I need to stay with this and perhaps dig deeper in dreaming to understand WHO AM I and WHY can't I seem to be happy.
If I am happy, then everything else should just fall into place right? Rather than trying to seek happiness through jobs, clothes, losing weight or moving to a different state that brings back good memories - I've heard it time and time again; be thankful for what you have (i.e. be happy) and everything else will work itself out.
OK, her I go.... Jumping in the deep end: 1.....2.....3.... Splash.
See you later, Dave
Member Comments About This Blog Post
I just read this post of yours from early June, and I hope that since then you are feeling a little better.
Without knowing what it is like to be adopted, i agree wholeheartedly with the others who have emphasized that your mum and dad CHOSE YOU! They didn't have to adopt you, they probably had a range of kids to choose from, and they chose you!
Stepping back from that specific issue, to look at the larger picture, which would include the kinds of things that most of us on here have struggled with at one time or other : depression etc can make us gravitate to looking at everything (not just the original issue) from a "glass half empty" perspective as opposed to "glass half full" perspective, and can be treated with meditation in addition to whatever counselling or psychotherapy or medication or exercise program, light therapy, etc. other methods that you have chosen.
If you have never tried meditation, the easiest thing is to use some audio guided meditations. You can buy CD's or DVD's but there are also free ones on the internet.
BR>this website has some free downloads, including a 15 minute guided meditation on there, as well as some that are just a couple of minutes long.
Having a daily mindfulness practice can help you to strengthen your positivity muscle and to practice loving kindness and compassion, not only to others but to yourself.
you are not alone, and for those of us who have a substantial amount of weight to lose, 50 pounds, 100 pounds, we all struggles with issues, and perspectives that helped us to be and stay overweight, or else developed after gaining the weight and are hindering us getting the weight off.
Perhaps your psychologist was not right for you? Not sure if your visits are covered by health insurance or not, but if they are and you can continue going, you can look for another one that you feel more in tune with.
Also many cities have meditation classes or groups which are by small donation to charity, and you can google "meditation community (or sangha) and the name of your city". Alternately if you are in an organized religion, your church or temple may have mindfulness classes, or prayer circles.
Don't avoid this site, because you are struggling, i did that at one point and ended up spending months spinning my wheels when I could have been getting support.
Let us know how you are doing, how your summer is going, not just on the good days but also the others, you are part of our community, and we are all here for you.
1363 days ago
Comment edited on: 7/1/2013 9:50:05 PM
Dave, I believe I can only reiterate what the others have said. Good for you for opening up and pouring it out. Acknowledgement and honesty are important steps to changing anything in your life. And while I don't know about the feelings of an adopted person, I do know that if you grew up in a loving household, you were blessed. Instead of thinking about a mother and father that abandoned you (because you truly don't know the circumstances) think about a family that CHOSE you, that picked you to take home and love. We can't choose who our parents are and some kids grow up in terrible conditions, physically and mentally abused, hated because their birth meant the end of partying for irresponsible parents, etc.
I do know a few people that were adopted and all of them have had better lives because of it.One in particular is current San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. He was adopted as a baby and his adoptive parents are really great people. I seriously doubt if he would be in the position he's in now if he wasn't adopted and loved so much. His parents had no idea what he would become when he grew up, but they chose him anyway, just like your mom and dad chose you.
And remember, even the people that seem to always be really happy, aren't always that way. Everyone has their personal demons to struggle with, some are just better at hiding them from the public than others. I know a young gal, she's 23 years old and she is gorgeous and has tons of friends. Other women want to look like her and all of the guys want to be with her. But in our conversations, she has told me a bunch of things that she doesn't like about herself. I was flabbergasted, how could she not be happy about anything?? She's a hot model for crying out loud! But even she has body issues and is unhappy at times, she just masks it really well.
You're not alone Dave, so don't ever think that you are. Just remember to take small steps, you can't fix anything overnight. Just keep working on things one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be.
Cheers to you my friend.
1383 days ago
Howdy! From the DFW area of Texas!
Dave, you have really shared your innermost feelings with us on this blog.I hope that it can become a beginning for you to come to peace with yourself.You have been very open.Always remember that you are a very special person, a one-of-a-kind, as all of us are each our own.When our mind and emotions get going, seemingly all at the same time, it can be overwhelming to try to deal with all of the issues at the same time.I have found, in my own life, that dealing with one issue at a time is the best way to accomplish it in reaching the maximum benefit.My own stubbornness at times kept me from truly dealing with the issues that affect me the most.I would try to handle them and complete them by myself with my own determination, but yet I would fail.Don't be afraid to or pre-decide not to seek professional help.I know that with certain areas in my life I could not have made it without their help and guidance.I know that you can do this.I'm always open for a listening ear.
Have a blessed day and wonderful journey to the new you!
1384 days ago
I am so sorry you feel alone and abandoned. I also want to give you credit for being so brave by writing it all down. I think that is the first step to feeling better about it. You can’t change one bit of the past but bringing it all out into the light of day and processing it today might diminish its’ grasp on your life. A lot of us here have deeper issues with ourselves…how else does one land up 100lbs+ overweight. It’s a struggle but you need to keep working at it and there will be a break through. Chris was right you have to work up to a place where you like you and believe getting your life back is worth it…we all do. You may want to read Louise Hay’s “You can Heal your Life”, I liked it.
1384 days ago
Working through emotional baggage that we have ran away from for years is the hardest thing to do. My hat is off to you for tackling this. What I found helpful to get me through and help me work through things is focusing on the things I have been really proud of in my life. Then I started doing things I was proud of. What I have figured out is hating yourself will only get you so far. Many people start out on this journey because they hate what they see in the mirror. The people who are really successful love the way they feel from taking care of their self inside and out. You have a great start. Don't give up it's worth it! You are worth it!!
1384 days ago
I don't know about adoption, but I know about self loathe and sabotaging oneself. It is a process. Things don't heal magicaly but you work thru them. Unhappiness is a knowned territory, hapiness can be scary. Mostly because one can be afraid it won't last so it's better to stay unhappy.
Opening like that is a good step. You have now officially acknowledged the problem. It is now in front of you. You can see it better that way and have a chance of fighting it.
Hang in there! You'll find your way
1385 days ago
You've really opened up on here and that is very brave of you.
Hang in there Dave. I hope you figure this out soon so that you can be happy.
1386 days ago
Comment edited on: 6/8/2013 2:21:33 PM
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