I'd started this year with the highest of hopes; my future seemed so bright. Cancer free, happy marriage, healthy dogs, good home, pretty good at work, eating healthier, and starting clomid (fertility treatment) - trying to have a baby. I'd even started doing really well at my 10-minute a day spark exercise streaks... And then March 9th happened. I took my two little shih tzus, Pepper and Sashi to a dog wash fund raiser across town... and they let them out of their crate in the wash room, and into the store, where the front door was propped open, and they chased Pepper into the street.. and she flew, faster than lightening, down the yellow line.. while I cried her name, but it was too late. I held her collar in my hand, in disbelief. This did not just happen.
The first two weeks I lost weight.. as I spent every waking moment searching for her, too upset to even eat. And then once I started to eat (and sleep) again, I haven't been able to stop - comfort food, I guess. I've been so depressed, so obsessed, and I haven't had the mental capacity or physical strength... or will... to take care of myself.
A lot of people probably won't understand.. but she was my baby. She is only one year old, and she came to me when I needed her the most, last year was ridiculously difficult. I thought, surely 2013 is going to be amazing. Because nothing can suck as bad as last year! Ugh. This happened in the middle of clomid, round 2. Of course, it didn't work that round either. So I took a break from that, because I couldn't handle it. I couldn't even stomach the thought of trying for a baby, when MY baby is lost.
I'm doing better... Even though the tears are falling, even as I type. Tomorrow will be three months, and I have got to take care of myself.. whether I want to or not. I've done EVERYTHING possible to find my baby - 100's of flyers and signs, a facebook page ( www.facebook.com/HelpFin
), a billboard sign, lost ads in the newspaper, a full blown color advertisement in the paper, craigslist - local and surrounding, flyers and mailers to every vet/shelter/pet store/groomer in the area and surrounding cities, tracker dog, pet psychics, night and group searches, talked with every rescue in the STATE, been on the local news, radio, walked our other dogs, marked, set up traps, offered rewards, and prayed and searched and prayed and searched - you name it- I think I've done it. And now... I leave this with God. I cannot do anymore.
My health has taken a toll. My husband has had to set me down and have a talk with me - I don't want any cancer coming back - I have GOT to take care of myself. I told him this morning, I feel like I have smokers' lungs, even though I haven't smoked since my surgery - Feb 2012. It's from inactivity and weight gain. It sucks, but I want to be around for my husband, my other pets, and maybe a baby in the future...
I keep bouncing around between vegan and fast food - I need to learn moderation and balance. I need to find my life again.. I don't think I'll ever get over this, if she never comes home, and I won't give up, but I have got to pull myself together. And I have got to lose weight... This morning I was at 232 lbs. Frikkin crazytown.
So I reset my sparkgoals today, and here we go...