Saturday, June 08, 2013
Well Crap ! My depression and anxiety issues seem to have made an appearance. I had every intention of getting myself back to the gym this morning ... but I'm still at home.
I'm scared to go and workout. I'm too inside my own head. I have negative thoughts and feelings about my body and I am projecting those onto everyone else at the gm. I look at myself and see the 15 pounds I've gained. I look at myself and see the fat bulging out the side of my bra (which is too small b/c I gained 15 pounds). I look at myself and see the muffin top that spills out over the top of my shorts. I look at myself and see the loss of muscle tone and definition I used to have before the injury (and the 15 frigging pounds).
Intellectually I know people at the gym are not seeing or thinking those negative things about me, but that doesn't seem to matter.
OK - here's the plan. I have an appointment with a new trainer on Monday in the very small private PT gym where I have been doing my M.A.T. therapy. I will hang tight until Monday. Working with a trainer will get me to the gym and help me feel comfortable there. Then, once I have my feet wet I will try again to go solo. My confidence will return - it's just on a little hiatus right now.
OK - Vent over. I feel better, less neurotic, if still too anxious to go to the gym. At least I'm not crying anymore. Hey - one step at a time - Right ?