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Friday, June 07, 2013

Figuratively speaking.

I feel myself falling into a funk. More than a funk, if I'm being totally honest with you (and myself.)

I'm talking to a new guy...despite my swearing off men a few weeks ago. I'm excited to meet him and see where it goes, but it's bringing up so many insecurities. Not just about men, but about everyone and everything in my life.

I'm terrified that I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough...just not enough. Every single goddamn time I meet someone, I never end up being enough. Every time it doesn't work out, I always feel like it's because of me. I'm always falling short, no matter how hard I try. My head tells me that I'm great. That I'm genuine and compassionate and would do anything for anyone. Believe me, I'm no saint, but my career IS helping people. I help people and their families live out the remainder of their lives and I help them die with dignity. I'm a good person on paper, but I don't feel like I deserve to be treated like one.

I wasn't good enough for my fiance of 5 years. I know in my head that I didn't deserve what he did to me, but there was obviously something that he began to dislike about me for him to be able to betray me in the way he did. I am so scared that I'm going to fall in love again and that the person will love me...until someone else comes along who does something for him that I don't. God, I'm so sickened by this ridiculous insecurity. I wonder all the time if my fiance left me because I gained so much weight during our time together. My friends always assure me that isn't true, but whether they want to believe it or not, it damn well could be! And you know what? That PISSES ME OFF!

I'm not sure I really know who I am. I'm a social worker. I'm a friend. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I know these things but these are all about who I am in relation to someone else. I'm still trying to work on figuring out who I am to myself. WHO AM I? Right now I'm someone who is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Someone who is silently praying for the next guy (whomever that may be) to accept her for who she is right now AND who she is going to become in the future. Someone who appreciates her as a work in progress and not as a final draft. Someone whose self-esteem fluctuates constantly. Someone who just wants her time on this planet to mean something to someone...

...even if that someone is just herself.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You will ask yourself these questions even after you meet the "right" person. In fact you may even have more insecurities. The right man will accept those insecurities you have and try to erase them from your mind.

    I don't know that Joe and I are meant to live ever after... I hope so. But in the beginning he had to put up with all the things my ex had done to me. He had to break down more walls, go to greater extents for me to trust him, He had to deal with me talking about my ex A LOT!! But he did it because he wanted me.

    You will meet a man that no matter the obstacles he has to face it will be worth it all because it'll mean that he'll have you.

    It will happen. You will think you don't deserve a man like that, you'll wonder what's wrong with him, what's wrong with you. The answer is that there is nothing wrong! Unfortunately this is something I have had to make terms with but your ex may not be a bad person, or he very well may be. Idk him, but sometimes you get the wrong people together and they just bring out the worst in each other. It doesn't make either party bad it just means that they didn't and couldn't work. It doesn't excuse anything they did BUT it also means that you CANNOT fault yourself for any of it.

    Learn to be the proud beautiful woman I know you know you are! You don't need a man. You want one which is only normal but in all of this don't forget to forgive yourself and learn to trust yourself again. Those two things are honestly harder than forgiving your ex, but you will get there.
    1715 days ago
    You are ENOUGH!!! I never married until 34. I was a person that gravitated to men that needed fixing ,once they were fixed heck they left. I had enough I had a list of 7 values I wanted in a man , Then I met my beloved husband & he had everyone of them. Before I met my husband if there was 1 quality missing I became the one that left. He was already fixed,he was not insecure he had faith & trust in me.
    I had to fix my self first,so I knew in what direction I was going in.If it met staying single forever if I did not meet a life spouse so be it. I knew within my heart that I was not going to settle any more for less when I knew I could have the best!!!! Do not ever allow any one make you THEIR victim to any thing. You are worth so much more!
    1715 days ago
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