Friday, June 07, 2013
I feel myself falling into a funk. More than a funk, if I'm being totally honest with you (and myself.)
I'm talking to a new guy...despite my swearing off men a few weeks ago. I'm excited to meet him and see where it goes, but it's bringing up so many insecurities. Not just about men, but about everyone and everything in my life.
I'm terrified that I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough...just not enough. Every single goddamn time I meet someone, I never end up being enough. Every time it doesn't work out, I always feel like it's because of me. I'm always falling short, no matter how hard I try. My head tells me that I'm great. That I'm genuine and compassionate and would do anything for anyone. Believe me, I'm no saint, but my career IS helping people. I help people and their families live out the remainder of their lives and I help them die with dignity. I'm a good person on paper, but I don't feel like I deserve to be treated like one.
I wasn't good enough for my fiance of 5 years. I know in my head that I didn't deserve what he did to me, but there was obviously something that he began to dislike about me for him to be able to betray me in the way he did. I am so scared that I'm going to fall in love again and that the person will love me...until someone else comes along who does something for him that I don't. God, I'm so sickened by this ridiculous insecurity. I wonder all the time if my fiance left me because I gained so much weight during our time together. My friends always assure me that isn't true, but whether they want to believe it or not, it damn well could be! And you know what? That PISSES ME OFF!
I'm not sure I really know who I am. I'm a social worker. I'm a friend. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I know these things but these are all about who I am in relation to someone else. I'm still trying to work on figuring out who I am to myself. WHO AM I? Right now I'm someone who is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Someone who is silently praying for the next guy (whomever that may be) to accept her for who she is right now AND who she is going to become in the future. Someone who appreciates her as a work in progress and not as a final draft. Someone whose self-esteem fluctuates constantly. Someone who just wants her time on this planet to mean something to someone...
...even if that someone is just herself.