Friday, June 07, 2013
I am an absolute mess today. It is the last day of school. I am all set to see the kids go knowing that most will be back in August. I have tried to get myself ready to say good bye to a second grade teacher, my friend who is retiring. My music teacher is taking a year off to finish her doctorate--is she really going to come back? When I opened an email from one of my Kindergarten teachers to learn that her unemployed husband had found a job in Texas, it was all over. When I am not crying, I am eating. The only time the tears stop is when I am eating. I don't handle change well--I know that. I usally talk to myself and prepare for any change coming my way. I wasn't able to prepare for this and I am not doing so good right now. Most of the faculty and staff have never seen me unhappy or out of control and some of them look scared when they walk pass my office. I am so ready for this day to be over so I can go home. I called my second grade teacher friend when I learned of the Kindergrten teacher's departure on July 1st. She has always been a sounding board--I can rant and its confidential. She told me not to come down to her room because she couldn't handle anymore "good byes" today. I was already crying so that I couldn't even pretend that I was calling for something else.
Needless to say at some point I questioned why I was eating, what I was eating and took a minute to think about it, blog about it (while still crying). My best quess is that somehow the food has a calming effect and I am reaching for it because I don't want to be completely out of control. It makes sense and yet it doesn't, basically substituting one type of control or lack of control for another. I wonder why it seems more acceptable to eat than cry? Has it always been this way? I just want the day to be over with so that I can go home.