Friday, June 07, 2013
At times like this, I wish I had some sort of a counselor to help me through things. I don't know what I need a counselor for.. I just need one to help me get to my underlying issues. And to help guide me through the hard times in my life.
I've led a pretty crazy life.. from being abused as a child, feeling like I was never good enough and that I never could do good enough for my stepmother, and at this point struggling to get through day to day. I can't say I have fully forgiven my abuser.. but I am civil with him. I guess it's kinda a forgiven but not forgotten thing.. but it still leaves me feeling like I lost out on being a child.. and that to me is saddening. I just feel like a lot of these issues keep me from succeeding as much as I could in a lot of things, including weight loss. I am grateful for all I have been through though, because it led me to where I am today.. and I have an awesome husband and the worlds most amazing kids. I won't say they don't drive me absolutely crazy on a daily basis.. but I think they are THEE BEST I could ever have.
Lately I've been through a lot. I had a car accident last Tuesday and have been working on getting that straightened out. The lady got insurance after the fact and tried to file a claim through them and lied about a bunch of things. I read everything right off the police report as for all the details on date/time/etc. I'm not going to jail for some shady crap she is trying to pull over. I did nothing wrong to begin with! But the next thing I was getting to.. was I found out my ex boyfriend was in a motorcycle accident that same day and died. It has me super depressed. There never really was any closure between us. He moved to his mom's a couple months before he left for the military and since he hadn't contacted me, I assumed we were over.. He saw me hanging out with a guy friend, assumed that he was my boyfriend (which turned into him being my husband in the long run.. funny how things work out), and got mad at me I guess. So it was all miscommunication. He'd told me he still loved me when I was already with my husband for a couple years. And I had already had given birth to Levi. One thing that has really been on my mind is that, talking to him on the phone once, he said that he couldn't help but think that it should be HIS child. Something about that just keeps coming back to my mind and it is KILLING me. It very well could have been if we had been together still.. but we weren't. I love my husband more than anything in the world.. but even after all these years I have had feelings for my ex as well. As I said though.. I absolutely love my husband. I would never have acted on my feelings.. They were just there because there was never really any closure. My ex actually married this last year and I thought it was awesome that he found someone that he wanted to marry as I still wanted to see him happy. Since his accident my anxiety has been through the roof. I'm going to his funeral on Saturday and that will hopefully give me a little closure because I don't think it's fully hit me really that he is gone.. Never coming back. (These things I haven't told anyone because it won't change anything.. and I don't want my husband to ever feel like he is not good enough for me because he definitely is!)
One of my friends weddings is also that day.. and starts about a half hour later. And as ironic as it is.. my ex's wife is the maid of honor in this wedding I'm attending but she will obviously miss it because being at her husband's funeral is a little more of a priority. My husband and I are attending the funeral and if we miss the ceremony we'll at least attend the reception. A funeral will never happen again.. and while I realize their wedding won't either, I will still see them again.
With all this going on, I feel like I have given up with my weight loss. I haven't fully. It is still right up front in my mind.. but I've been eating when I am not hungry.. and when I do eat, it is crappy quality food when I am hungry and when I am not. I feel like every issue I've ever had is coming up at once and I don't know how to deal with it. I just need to find the passion I used to have and push myself extra hard to get back on track. I need to get that thinner, healthier me back. I need to find my happiness and I need to figure out how to get through all these obstacles that are being thrown at me!
On the upside, (Yes.. there is one sliver of rainbow in this cloudy sky!) I have signed up for online classes at Colorado Tech University so that I can keep going towards my degree that I set out for a few years ago. I am going for Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice with Concentration in Human Services. Excited to get started and move up in the world!