Thursday, June 06, 2013
I've been really good the past few days and have had some great runs. A couple days ago I ran for nearly an hour straight and felt awesome. I also went on a past-midnight run the other night and it was surprisingly great, but I felt really wiped out the next day so I skipped exercise. Today I also felt utterly drained and hungry — it's finals time so I'm busy and not sleeping enough — but forced myself to run anyway and it ended up being a tough but rewarding run that left me feeling energized afterward. I even went on to do some strength training today. I still hate strength training a ton, and I don't think that will really change. I love running and cardio in general (once I motivate) but I think I just need to find the strength training/muscle-building workouts I really love. Maybe it would be some sort of class, sport or activity instead of horrible situps, pushups and videos. Anything that gets me outside or exploring. I remember also really liking Pilates, but even that is hard to motivate myself for. I want to try kickboxing and dancing, some sort of total-body thing. I'll have to look around.
As far as eating goes, I'm kind of angsty about it. I am doing what I always do, which is restricting more than the calorie guidelines advise me to, because it always feels like waaay too much for the exercise I'm getting. At first this mindset is what drove me to become underweight and develop an eating disorder, but once I recovered, that approach remained but instead now it always backfires with me gorging myself and/or giving up on the diet completely and ignoring everything. It's hard to trust that what they tell you will work will ACTUALLY work. I'm also impatient and tend toward extremes in all areas of life. It doesn't feel like it's worth it to diet unless my whole body aches and I'm exhausted and starving. But maybe it doesn't have to be that way. I am so afraid of losing control; to me, eating at any given point could open the floodgates to total dietary abandon and I so don't want that. I also desperately don't want to become a crazed diet freak like usual. I wish emotions weren't so tied into this. Maybe I should try harder to separate the two. I should try harder to trust myself and convince myself that I AM in control and eating has nothing to do with it.
I'm trying to figure out a balance, trying to figure out how to trust in this process. There's also the matter that I'm hyper-aware of how unrealistic my expectations for myself are, but also unwilling to give up on those expectations. It's like a schizophrenic who knows they're delusional but can't be convinced the hallucinations aren't real. Weird metaphor, but honestly. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be THIN by the end of this, the sort of almost-frail I was when I first lost all that weight the first time. But then it seems so impossible, and then I remember how even then I hated my body. I don't know how not to be this way. The point of this is to be better than "average." I'm not overweight, I just want to be definitively skinny.
Actually, that's not true. I want to be skinnier. Any amount would do, really.
A big part of me believes it's true what they say — once you're anorexic, you can ostensibly "recover," but that mindset will haunt you forever. But a growing part of me rejects that idea, and believes that you can change who you are whenever you want, however you want, and become who you want to be. I'm going to try and listen to the latter part for now. Try to not obsess. I've done it twice before (to varying degrees), so I can do this again.
And I should focus on how great it makes me feel — because it does. Running is the most liberating, life-affirming thing I know (besides unhealthy things like drugs...ha). Eating healthy keeps my body and mind happy. I feel more confident with those things. That's what matters. That's why I do it.