Thursday, June 06, 2013
I've been MIA for a few days. Here's why;
Last week on Wednesday my boyfriend sat me down when I came home from my run and told me that he is extremely unhappy because of 1) my dog. He is not a dog person and has been trying hard to accept it, but in the small space we have and being home all day not working, it's just getting to him. And 2) he hates my nit picking/nagging/critisizing, whatever you want to call it. When it comes to communication, I am the worst. Whenever a tough topic comes up, I flee. My "fight or flight" response is always RUN, FAST, NOW (I wish the same principle could be applied to my fitness). So I shut down. Which in turn caused a fight. Which then caused him to leave and wander around all night, only to come home at 6 am.
Thursday, didn't go to work. Stayed home and hashed it out, then we both went our separate ways - each of us going to the gym. Thursday evening we spent time together, just sat together and watched a movie.
Friday we had a date night, it was fantastic until we started arguing again. Discussion lasted until 1 am, nothing major, and when it cooled down I kissed him goodnight and went to bed.
Saturday I had to go to the gym to get this out of my system. When I returned home we went to the Demolition Derby together. We had a blast. We didn't discuss the issues, just enjoyed each other's company.
Saturday evening he went out with his buddy to watch the Pens game, then stayed out all night at his buddy's house. I had no idea he wasn't coming home, so I was a little upset.
Sunday he slept all day.... Our plan was to go to Costco together, etc. Didn't happen. Fight continued when he woke up because I looked through his phone. Turns out he's been texting an old friend (a girl, of course), basically turning elsewhere because she makes him feel good about himself, whereas I haven't been. Of course nothing's come of it, but she was unaware that he had a girlfriend, which still bothers me. He slept on the couch.
Monday I cried all day at work. What the hell is going on? How did we get here? Lack of communication. Me doing what I always do - critisize, belittle, avoid confrontation and communication, ignore the problems. I sat at work all day writing out the things I know I do to hurt our relationship, the ways I need to change, and the reasons why I want this to work and overcome this problem. During all of these conversations we both continue to say that we are each other's best friend and we want to make it through this. Monday night I go home and muster up all of the courage I have to talk to him about it. He listens. We talk for two hours. After two hours we are both exhausted. We hug it out, order a pizza and watch a movie together. Because he's not working he decided to have some beers... he was up until 3 am and although I tried to sleep, I couldn't. He came to bed with me, but we certainly didn't cuddle.
Tuesday we texted back and forth through the day. During all of this, despite the fighting, we still get along and want to talk to each other. I went home with a good attitude, my intentions were to show him that we are going to start working on this right away, and although it won't be 100% right away, I am committed to fixing this. He was still upset. Almost immediately, we had an argument. Our Costco trip was a disaster. He said he could move back to Edmonton. I said ok. The fight escalated. He packed his things. I said A LOT of mean things. I felt backed into a corner, and every single time that happens to me, despite my better judgment, I lose my mind. I started hauling his things out of my house, into the storage room. Told him to get out. Long story short, I realized I was being an idiot, sat down, and shut up. He left. About three hours later I asked him to come home. He said he needed to sleep it off at his buddy's house.
Wednesday I came home at lunch. he was there. Thank God. Despite all of this, I still want him to stay. We both love each other. This has gotten out of hand. His things weren't unpacked, but he hadn't packed anything further. I came home after work and he was leaving for baseball. This is good. He needs to vent. No fighting tonight, but no talking either. I go to bed and write in my journal. I've been writing everything down all week, things I need to improve on, things I am carrying "in my suitcase" that I need to let go of, things that he's said he needs. I leave a note on the bathroom mirror saying "I hope you had a great game, there's dinner in the fridge for you. I love you"/ He comes into the bedroom and tells me about his game and how he got into a fight. Although I am not happy he fought, I know that this helped him release a ton of anger that he's been holding in. I'm glad he's ok. I ask him if he is going to give me a hug. He does. He kisses me goodnight. I'm not sure when he came to bed. From Day 1 I have always said "please kiss me goodnight when you come to bed", even if I'm asleep, I want to know he's there. He kisses me goodnight and we fall asleep holding hands. I know that we love each other and that is all that matters. I hate that this past week has been such a storm. I know the storm will pass. We just have to take it one day at a time.
In other news, my fit bit broke. Completely doesn't work at all. I need to go get a new battery but I just haven't felt like it. With everything that's been going on I haven't worked out since Saturday. I have no desire to. I also haven't been eating nearly enough, I just haven't been hungry. I hope that by this weekend things will be a bit more "normal" and that I can get back to my regular routine next week.