Firstly, thank you everyone who commented on my last blog about my back/spine injury. I will be getting it checked out eventually (waiting for insurance app to be processed). It gets more stiff and painful by the day, so much for trying to exercise..
I gained 3 lbs last week, putting me at 311.1 lbs, since I wasn't able to work out. (I usually eat averagely and then compensate for it by working out really hard.) Now I have to really focus on my eating in order to stay successful like I had been up until this back issue.
It's just so hard when my twin sister, who was SUPPOSED to be in a challenge with me with this 30 day thing she created, keeps saying "let's go to Cookout!" or some other place that sells fast food, just about every day. That place has zero healthy options. Sometimes we go to Qdoba, where I pick a whole wheat tortilla, brown rice, black beans, chicken, lettuce, and some kind of corn mix. (I used to pick tomatoes but they put onions in those which makes it taste terrible; I also sometimes get guac and light sour cream.) If she eats something really unhealthy, she'll try to pressure me into eating it with her, and we have no food in my house (my mom decided not to "waste" her money on groceries this month), so I'll be practically starving and sometimes I eventually cave unless my willpower for that day is strong.
If you're wondering why my sister doesn't use that money to make groceries, it's because she's selfish. She doesn't want to use her money on something for the entire household (6 people, including my 5 year who she outwardly dislikes). If it's not only benefiting her and people of her choosing, she doesn't want it to happen. She's got control issues. She puts a lock on the windows when I'm riding in the car with her because she doesn't want me to put my window down when she doesn't want them down. (Even if it is raining, my window will be down... as I am claustrophobic.) Sometimes I panic so much I threaten to jerk the wheel while she's driving by placing my hand on the wheel until she puts my window down. I probably wouldn't actually do it (unless my bipolar or mpd kicks in, which I can not control unfortunately).
Another thing I want to just write down that's been bothering me about my mom and sister is how much they openly hate/dislike my son. They don't like him because he's polite yet honest (and will tell you what he's thinking, regardless of who you are or think you are), he speaks proper (which kills them and I don't understand why), he is very religious (my mother particularly dislikes this), prefers to eat healthy, is naturally vegetarian (he just hates the taste of meat unless it's artificial like a chicken nugget, which still isn't actual meat), he's sensitive, he's dedicated (he practices soccer, boxing, and works out often out of his own desire and he's not even involved in a sport yet), and they don't like him because I treat him nicely. I don't yell at him or beat him when he does something that I wish he wouldn't every so often. They especially hate him for that reason. I don't whip him and it drives them nuts. They don't like that he's thin and often call him underweight or bony (he's got a naturally muscular build and is a picky eater). They hate that he's respectful (however I also taught him that if someone is not nice to you, don't feel pressured or scared into being nice to them,just be cordial). (I went off of the give respect to get it principle.) They also don't like him because he has a habit of correcting people (which he is more often correct than not, but they get a little butthurt and that when I try to tell them that he learned it from me since as a baby I always corrected him (which I am working on teaching him that sometimes that can be taken in a mean way and that he shouldn't do that). They don't like that he's naturally smart and talented. They don't like that he's calm in a situation that would make them mad. Lastly, they don't like that I spend time with him and am involved with him the way any typical mother would/should. I am in the PTA at his school, I play and have art/craft time with him, we have movie nights weekly, I read to him at night, I tell him I love him all the time, I've made him respectful and obedient (which is the opposite of my little brother), and lot of other things. I can kind of understand my mother, because as I've recently learned, she is the jealous type and my son and her son are completely different beings. I could see how she could look at him and be mad that he seems "perfect" in a sense. I can't understand why my sister acts outwardly aggressive towards him though. I hate leaving him with them because the moment he does something they'll beat him or hurt his feelings in some way. Last week my sister bought him icecream. My mother has a rule about eating in her work car, so when he's in our other car his mind is still set to those rules.So he didn't want to eat it yet. So she was already mad that he didn't eat it in the car and was waiting til they got home. By time they got home, he didn't want it anymore and wanted to just watch tv so he asked her to put it in the freezer for him, and she snapped. She started screaming at him and cursing at him (I was not there, but this was what she told me she did). She said she didn't hit him, but I don't know if I believe that. He got mad (not verbally and he didn't throw a tantrum, he just kind of makes mad faces and folds his arms to express his anger) and walked away from her. She then yelled at him for walking away. So he finally got really mad and threw his spoon across the room and yelled for her to leave him alone. Then he went upstairs. I don't disagree with anything he did in this whole scenario. Not even the spoon. Why be that mean to him? I'd have thrown it too. I think that's what a lot of people don't understand. Kids have feelings too, and they can react the same way adults can. I hear about people breaking stuff and slamming doors all the time. All he did was throw a spoon and go to his room. Why penalize him for that? So I didn't. You have to pick your battles. You can't blow up at all the little things kids do. I just explained why that's not the best idea and asked him to not to throw stuff. Haven't seen him throw anything since. He's the type that when someone is being verbally aggressive to him and he's not in a position to move himself (like in the car), he'll say something like "You're obviously being really mean and annoying me. Stop it." It drives them crazy that he could stick up for himself and be so calm about it. Why are you trying to intimidate a 5 year old? Why tell him you hate him, that he's ugly, and that you can't stand him?
When I try to talk to them and ask them not to do that, my sister is all like "spare the rod, spoileth the child". For one, she's not even religious. And two, I will not beat my kid, under any circumstances. I popped his hand once for lying to my face about something really dumb. Even after that I felt bad, and explained to him why he should say things that aren't true, and hugged him and said I love you and that I was sorry for hitting his hand. Beating your child as a form of punishment is overrated in my household. The moment Jae'Von tells me no or says something resembling "sass", my mom or sister is like "BEAT HIM!" or "Whoop his a**!" No, bro... no... just calm down. Why so angry? He's not doing anything to warrant that. You did some of these same things once. It's going to be okay. When you beat a child out of anger, you're only making that child aggressive and sad inside. I believe a lot of the kids I see hurt other people and fight a lot are doing it because of the way they are punished when their guardian doesn't like something they're doing. I never want my kid to be that angry kid that goes to school and picks on people and gets into fights all the time, who mocks the teacher and won't do his work, or who feels the need to ridicule others because he feels bad about himself/his life. One more thing I slightly mentioned... My sister calls my son ugly a lot. He's not ugly at all, but when she's mad she goes to that because she feels bad about her own appearance. I constantly have to fight with her, telling her not to break his confidence and self esteem before he even is able to build up those things. Why tell a 5 year he's ugly? Give him a chance to learn to be confident and love himself before you start trying to tear him down (even though she should never do that to him). My mom will say something really mean to him, like "shut up! You don't know anything crybaby. Crybaby, crybaby, crybaby, crybaby!" and she'll keep saying it, taunting him. So he'll get fed up when he can't take it anymore and scream at her to be quiet, and she'll hit him and say "Watch your mouth! Alyssa, you better get your kid.." I sit there in awe like "Dude, you just acted like a butt to him and get mad when he gets upset about it?! Get the f*** out of here with that bull." As a grandmother, how do you live with yourself acting like that towards someone who should be so precious to you? Your first grand child. Sometimes the way they bully him makes me cry.... It makes me go into depression and often have thoughts of harming them.... I won't, because they are my family... but when you do so much to me or my child that I begin not to care about you, and you are FAMILY... that's an issue...
I can't wait to leave this household... They are so depressing and probably the reason I am on at least half of my medications. These next 7 years of college need to fly by. Hopefully I can move out in the next 3 years when I graduate undergrad, but I doubt it...
So yeah, I hope my insurance comes through soon, because my back feels worse with every day that goes by.
That's all for now.