Wednesday, June 05, 2013
This whole weight thing has always been a heavy cross to bear (no pun intended). I've battled with it my entire life. I remember being a little girl between the ages of 5 and 8, and my "grandfather" telling me how fat I was, what a spare tire I had, and that I needed to get some weight off. I was a little girl for goodness sake. I also remember my Mom being concerned with my weight and asking the Dr. how much I should weigh. My first successful weight loss attempt was the summer before my 9th grade year. I don't guess it was a conscious decision to lose weight, I just became really active that summer and did not eat a whole lot. When I got to school that fall, I started receiving a LOT of attention from boys...hmmm...I liked it because I had never had that before. My entire freshman year, I was very active and managed to keep my weight down...however, my sophomore year, I began putting the weight back on because I was less active. Upon graduation from high school, I think I weighed about 180 and the boys had stopped paying so much attention to me by then. I remember making some pretty risky choices just so I could have that attention again...if ya get my drift...
Anyway, when I was 19, I got pregnant with my first child. After giving birth, I weighed over 200 lbs. ....that child is now 18 years old and I have not been below 200 since then. In fact, with the birth of my second child came postpartum depression, the medications celexa and wellbutrin and my weight ballooning from 217 to 262 in less than 4 months. Needless to say, I got off the meds, started exercising and went to Weight Watchers.
With WW, I got down to 247 and felt pretty good.
Let me back track a bit. In 1996, I met the man who would become my husband. I weighed 219 when we met. 8 months after we started dating, he joined the Army. We stayed together for 2 and a half years, then in 1999, we got married. The second child I mentioned earlier came in 2000 and 6 weeks after he was born, my hubby had to go to Korea for a year on an unaccompanied tour. The 262 lbs me was someone my husband never saw before. However, when he returned from Korea, he never batted an eye. He has ALWAYS loved me no matter what. He has NEVER said one negative word about my weight EVER. I am blessed to be with someone who loves me no matter what the # on the scale says.
However, I digress...Even though I was able to get down to 247 lbs, I did not make the changes that got me there a permanent part of my life....so the weight piled back on and brought some friends. My highest weight ever was 279.4....by the way, I am only 5 foot 3.5 inches tall...so yeah, it was bad.
Somehow, I got back down to 262 and that is where I stayed for a number of years. In 2010, we went on a family vacation to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Beautiful place. During that vacation, we went to Dollywood and I got on one of the rides. The seat safety harness would not go down all the say...so they could not start the ride until I got the safety harness to click down over my stomach. I was humiliated and spent the entire ride thinking of how far I had let myself go. Finally, it bothered me enough to do something about it.
A week after returning from our vacation, I joined WW again and began working out HARD.
In about years time, I lost 41 lbs and went from a size 22 to a size 16. I felt pretty dang great and looked so much better.
In 2011, the Army decided to move us to a very small town so my husband could spend three years recruiting people into the Army. I lost all motivation, desire and drive and as of a week ago, I had gained back all but 2 lbs of the 41 that I lost.
So, here I am...once again...choosing change. However, yesterday, I noticed something in me had changed. I want this. I don't have a time line, or a specific number in mind, really. My goals are to be healthy, get off my BP meds ( I have borderline high blood pressure), never go on meds for cholesterol, get into a size 12 or 14, and treat my body with love. My focus this time is to learn to love myself instead of having this destructive hateful relationship with my self that I've always had. I am going to learn to appreciate my body for what it can do instead of what it looks like.
Finally, I know this process is more of a mental process than a physical one...so expect many more blog posts.