Wednesday, June 05, 2013
As I'm a big fan of TMI when it comes to health and bodily functions (my philosophy is: hey, we all deal with this stuff, why make it into something embarrassing and taboo?) I should warn you: this blog is going to be kind of grody for those who aren't into bathroom-related stories. :) It's also long...but you should get some good schadenfreude out of it!
I just had the most ridiculous experience this morning and I'm still chuckling over it hours later.
Background info: I used to be, shall we say, perfectly regular. Every morning, I'd wake up, hang out for a few minutes, and then be ready to use the bathroom. My system would get everything out all at once and I'd be totally empty and ready for the day. It was dependable as clockwork. One in the morning and done for the day, you know?
Then I got pregnant, and things started slowing down. Apparently that just happens with pregnancy. So I got unreliable and irregular, and I dealt with it because I don't really mind that much. My grandmother used to be obsessed with regularity, but my new irregularity wasn't interfering with my life so why should I care?
Turns out, it sure does make a difference when you want to go jogging. I haven't been able to run for weeks because I hurt my hip while out running in May, purely from being pregnant (there's some hormone that loosens your ligaments and so forth and makes you prone to injury, and I did absolutely nothing that should have hurt myself, so I'm blaming the hormone thing). But running makes you have to go sometimes, you know? All that jouncing around. There's a reason there is a name for a situation called "runner's trots". :)
But this morning I figured I was just going for a short, very slow jog before work. 30-45 minutes max. If I had to *go*, I could hold it. I've held it before, and for longer and faster runs. So I wasn't worried about any unpleasant incidents. I was just concerned with keeping an eye on the time because I had my first monthly "supervisors' meeting" at my new job and I absolutely had to be on time for it and it takes place a half hour earlier than my usual start time so I had to make sure I was ready and out the door and on the road FAST this morning.
Turns out, I should have worried a bit more about the bowel situation.
About 18 minutes into my run, things start getting pretty uncomfortable. But I figure I can still hold it. About 5 minutes later, this is no longer the case. The situation is DIRE and I know I can't make it home. Fortunately, I'm not in a residential area, exactly - I've jogged down to the local teeny tiny air strip and there's a nice strip of semi-secluded woods along the almost-never-traveled road to the airport. So I make for that. I have to pass a construction site first, and workers are just starting to arrive for the day, but there's enough forest cover between me and them that they wouldn't be able to see anything once I get under the trees. There's another road on the other side of the strip of woods that is a little more heavily trafficked because it does lead to a residential area, but it's at a lower elevation so any cars going by can't see me.
So I pick my spot and, well, cop a squat. :) (Sorry, I'm crude and have no sense of privacy or shame.) I finish my business, feeling sooooo much better, start looking around for leaves, and realize that I've forgotten about the sidewalk on the other side of the trees. The road might be at a lower elevation, but the sidewalk is NOT, and there's a little old lady out for a walk passing by. I freeze, hoping she hasn't seen me, but if she looks to the side at all, she totally could. Bared ass and all. I'm hoping she just didn't think to look sideways. But she might have before I was aware of her, and she might just be pretending to not see me at this point. Who knows. At least we don't make eye contact, so I can pretend she didn't see anything.
So then I'm looking around for some nice clean leaves, and totally strike out. There's some ivy-type stuff with very small leaves. That won't do. My only option is wet dead leaves. So basically, I end up with bits of dead leaf and dirt all over my backside. It hurts a bit to use because it's scraping me, but it works well enough.
I stand up, pull everything back on, and I'm trying to manipulate my maternity support belt back in place when a truck goes by on the airport road, on its way to the nearby construction site. There is very little tree cover at this point - they could totally see me adjusting my clothing, and there can be little doubt what I've been up to - I mean, what else would I be doing in the woods, adjusting my clothing? I tell myself, "Oh well." The truck goes by, I step out of the woods...
and I see another truck a short ways down the road at the site, parked, with its lights still on, and pointing right in my direction. Once again, there can be little doubt what I'm doing at 6:15am coming out of a little strip of woods that they may or may not have seen me duck into several minutes ago. I shrug it off again. After all, everybody poops, right? :) And when you gotta go, you gotta go. Better in the woods than in my pants, I should think!
So anyways, I get back to jogging, feeling SO much better. But as I get closer to home, my butt is getting REALLY raw and sore. I realize it's because of the leftover leaf and dirt bits still clinging to me as a result of my use of nature's toilet paper. It HURTS. But I'm almost home...
...and then when I get home, I realize my husband has left for work and I no longer have my house key. Yeah, that's somewhere lost in the leaves. In my urgency, I lost all track of my key. I don't have time to go back and get it because OMG I have GOT to go inside and get ready for work. My pit stop has delayed me already, and this is like the one day where I absolutely need to be at work by 8am! And work is an hour's commute away, assuming traffic isn't backed up! I have a moment of panic - no key, no husband, no phone to call him, before remembering that I bullied him into letting me stow away an extra key outside in a secret spot in our yard just in case of emergency like this. He didn't feel safe doing that, but I knew there would be a time when I would lock myself out somehow and would need access. Thank God for giving me a sense of awareness of my own failings. :)
So anyways, I got the key, got inside, (threw out my underwear...), jumped in the shower, and OMG it stung SO badly. Those leaves did a number on some very sensitive skin...but I'd had to clean myself at least somewhat! I managed to get out the door at a reasonable time, and just had to plan on making my oatmeal at work and putting on makeup in the car (kinda dangerous, I know, but at least I'm very good at doing it without a mirror...plus I took advantage of some red lights). And of course, there was traffic on the day I really needed to be on time. Fortunately, I'd managed to leave the house with JUST enough time to compensate, and I arrived for my meeting right at 8 on the dot. WHEW.
And afterwards, I finally got my breakfast and got an antiseptic wipe and some neosporin out of the first aid kit here and did a little more cleaning, just to make sure that if I'd scraped myself up that I wouldn't wind up giving myself an infection.
SO. Lord have mercy. This is the most ridiculous morning I've had in a LONG time. Possibly ever! At least I find it hilarious instead of traumatizing. :) My husband is kind of germaphobic and he would have been utterly traumatized for days had it happened to him.
My apologies for the massive oversharing, but like I said - I have zero sense of privacy/shame when it comes to bodily functions and health issues (see my past blog on peeing my pants one time while out taking a lunch walk at work, my various blogs on infertility and body fat struggles, etc...) and I figure hey, if someone else has something similar happen to them and they're all embarrassed about it, maybe knowing that it happens to other people and it's really nothing to be too embarrassed about might help them feel better!
Because seriously - tons of runners deal with this particular situation. Happens to marathon runners quite frequently, for instance. And if there's no toilets around, well, you make do with what you can. :)
Anyways, hopefully I didn't gross anyone out TOO much and maybe gave you a chuckle this morning or at least a "Thank god that hasn't happened to me!"