Wednesday, June 05, 2013
Time has a funny way of changing everything and nothing at the same time. I still feel like me, but I know that who I am right now is not who I was a year ago. If I thought hard enough, I could probably tell you exactly what I was doing on June 4th, 2012. Last year was a hard one. I left my marriage, upped my two children, my two foster children and one "borrowed baby" and finally decided that I had had enough of being me. Who was me?
At one point, Me was 287lbs of tears, anger and hopelessness. Me hid behind food and alcohol, books and TV, cigarettes and yet more alcohol. Me was disappearing into someone I didn't know, didn't even recognize...to be honest...Me was so lost for so long...I didn't even realize she was wasting away.
It wasn't all bad, I want that noted. My ex is not the devil. I had good times, I had bad. I tried to be the best mother I could be, always feeling like I was failing. I went on diet after diet, succeeded time and time again, only to try and fill that emptiness with something that would never keep. *sigh* That wonderful vicious cycle...
In 2005, I hit my highest weight. By 2007, I had managed to (by no action of my own) get down to 267...and that is when I started SparkPeople. July 11th, 2007, actually. By December, I was down to 217. I had moved after that, so I had gotten off of the program. But to my surprise, I didn't gain the weight back like I had in previous diet attempts! My weight did fluxuate a bit...hitting a peak at 230 by 2011. To me, though, that wasn't such a big deal. I mean, hey...I had been way bigger, right?!
On March 26th, 2012...my life changed. For 2wks, I had been unable to keep any food down. The thought of eating made me stomach turn. When I finally did eat, I hurt so bad and became violently ill. I had lost 19lbs in those 2wks. Liquids...those I could handle. Coffee. Water.
I was doing it again. I was drinking more and more, just to get through each day. Always after the kids were asleep and never to the drunken stage. But it was still a daily thing and my tolerance was building. Over dinner that night, pushing food around with my fork...words I hadn't planned came out of my mouth.
"I can't do this anymore."
As soon as I said them...I realized what had been wrong. I was depressed, I was sad, I was angry, I was done. Now, this isn't a blog about my ex, that is a private story that has no place other than the starting point of this journey. He tried, we tried, together we have 13 yrs of good, bad and misc...and two beautiful children who will never have to chose between us.
The point is, that was the day I realized that our marriage had been dying a slow and painful death, killing both of us in the process without us even realizing it. His escape was his video games. Mine was food. (And to be honest, we both hid behind the booze.)
Now I would like to say that after this family shattering epiphany, I straightened out and started living my life to the fullest and we all instantly became better people. *sigh* I wish that would have been the case. No...I still couldn't eat. I was stressed beyond anything I had ever known. Becoming a single mom of 4 (and at times 5) kids after never having lived alone...well, coffee, meal replacement shakes and energy drinks got me through the day.
But I was on the mend. My alcohol consumption was put into check by a very dear friend of mine who had noticed that my words had been becoming more and more slurred...Slowly I began grieving for my failed marriage, trying hard to help my babies deal with all the adjustments and just get through one day at a time.
A year later, my kiddos are doing great. Not perfect, not 100% happy about their new life, but they are getting there. I am now 175lbs...up 15lbs from August. (I know that sounds backwards, but I had started to look scary losing the weight that fast.) My life is heading towards a happiness I had never imagined and I am now finally ready to start.
Start taking care of myself. Start enjoying my new body. Start toning and strengthening my body. Stop the bad habits and give my children a better role model. Stop crying over would've, could've, should've and start building some WILL, CAN and DID! After all of the changes I have seen in the last 365 days...I can't wait to see what June 4th, 2014 will bring!