Tuesday, June 04, 2013
I had a sort of epiphany today. I was thinking about that quote that says "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." That led me to wonder how many times I have tried to "diet" and failed. I figure it is about five times a year since puberty started, around 10 years old, so 24 years times 5... I have failed at dieting 120 times. If that isn't insane, I don't know what is. How is this time going to be different?
Then I started examining the reasons why I had failed. Can't stay motivated ranks at number one. Stress eating. Diet regimens were too complex. I would dive in headfirst and get overwhelmed and quit.
I've had a history of throwing my hands up and calling it a day. It is my natural reaction for when things get tough. Even since I've started really focusing on SparkPeople again the last couple days, since the majority of the craziness is done for the current birthday season, I have really had to catch myself about to take the towel off my shoulders and throw it in the ring. Its gone from "I can do this" to "I HAVE to do this." I repeat this to myself quite often throughout the day. Every part of you aches, Kerry. You can't even walk without it hurting, and your hobble isn't fast enough to keep up with your 19 month old. You have to do this. If you want to move again, then DO IT!
Stress eating and controlling cravings is something I'm really going to have to work on first if I'm going to get anywhere. I know you want chips, Kerry, but your knees really hurt and eating them isn't going to make them feel any better. Ooh, found some chocolate I missed when I overhauled the fridge! After a couple spoonfuls (ganache is fat-speak for heaven), I caught myself, spooned the rest into the garbage and plunged the dish and spoon in some dirty dish water. Take that, cravings! I caught myself staring wistfully at the garbage can for a few seconds this evening, remembering something deliciously bad for me I threw out a couple nights ago. "Oh." I sighed. Then I laughed at my ridiculousness.
I have done most every diet under the sun. Not the ones you have to subscribe or pay a membership for, I've never had that kind of money (or hadn't wanted to spend it because when I inevitably failed it would be such a waste of money), but anything that you can research online, read a book, follow a video, that was what I'd try. Cutting entire food groups out just feeds a bomb of cravings in me waiting to explode. Unnaturally balancing nutritional elements never worked for long. It took me months after trying Atkins to eat pepperoni or brick cheese again. The thing I like about SparkPeople is you are guided to eat healthy foods, and if you eat something not awesome for you, you are able to look at what you've done and change things up accordingly. With the food tracker, its quite mathematical, and that is strangely comforting.
I feel like, though I've hear it for years and years, and preached it for many years to other people dieting (Group Commiseration, I liked to call it), it hasn't really clicked until now. Eating healthy makes me feel good. This is what my body wants. Stop being a stubborn jackass trying to fit a square peg in a circle spot. Feel what is going on inside. This isn't to say I won't ever slip and eat a little too much of the bad stuff, but I have finally met my body, shook its hand and started listening to it's story.
And right now my body is saying to slow down. Work on feeding it the right kind of fuel. Don't try and do everything all at once and get burned out. This is what I've done for every single diet I can remember. I try and do everything I'm "supposed" to do, because darn it, I'm Kerry and I can do anything I want and don't try to tell me otherwise because my pride is the size of the ocean and if you can do it then I can do it. But I can't do it all just yet.
This may go against what SparkPeople is instigating, but I'm not going to actively pursue exercise right now. If it happens, let it be a happy accident. Right now I'm going to focus on just one thing. Eating right. I need to make this eating a routine, a part of me, not just a means to an end. I don't want to eat healthily because thats what I should do, I want to eat that way because I don't want to eat any other way. I surge forward, head first into most everything I do. This could be why I am stressed so much. For this one thing, because it means so much to me it hurts, I'm going to take my time and make sure I'm doing it right.
I'm scared that this is going to be another failed diet. I need to put that out of my head. History will not repeat itself this time (a little part of my brain just said to me "yes it will" while I was typing this. Shut up, Kerry the Hutt!) because I'm going to eat healthy tomorrow. That wouldn't be a bad mantra to start out with, eh? I will promise myself one thing every day:
I am going to eat healthy tomorrow.