Saturday, June 01, 2013
May was a better month than April, for sure. I was sad to see that I am still larger than I was for my weight and measurements two months ago, but I didn't GAIN anything this month. I'm still very discouraged by how easily I gained everything back.. My workout partner, Dana, and I had a personal training session and learned a weight routine that we can do whenever (we usually just go to classes or hiking). Although my numbers don't look very impressive, I think that my body is changing. My butt and my quads feel firmer to the touch, and I think my arms LOOK better.
Throughout this process I am trying to focus on loving my body, despite how unattractive I feel. I need to think positive thoughts: I am strong; I am capable; I am enough. I need to stop thinking negative ones: Look at those rolls; I can't breathe when I cut my toenails; I'll never look good in a bikini again! I started going to therapy about six weeks ago, and I'm hopeful that healing my heart will have physical impact. Maybe I'll stop eating my feelings. Maybe I'll get some much needed sleep. Maybe I'll finally shed some weight and regain the never-ending energy I've always been known for..
This month I have started to let the stress back into my life. I really want to quit my job, but first I need to find a new one... I live in Hawaii, so being a one-income household isn't really an option if we want to continue living the lifestyle we're used to. Every day it seems like I want out of my current situation more and more; there has been drama with my company, and I have such strong disdain for someone that I work directly with. I wake up every workday morning thinking, "Ugh! Why do I have to work today? I do NOT want to go!!"
I am still unable to wear my wedding rings, and that also frustrates me. In November, I decided it was time to take a break (they were so tight that they were literally CUTTING into my finger and painful to wear). I was hopeful that I'd be able to wear them by March 1st. When that didn't happen, I was hopeful that I'd be able to wear them on my first wedding anniversary, March 21st. When that didn't happen, I was hopeful that I would be able to wear them for our trip home, April 19th. Today it is June 1st, and I am still unable to wear them. I have officially be without my rings for the MAJORITY of my marriage, and that is so depressing that I can't even articulate it here..
I am hoping to go home in July (the third week). It is my new goal to be able to wear my rings by then (6-7 weeks from now), but honestly, I don't have a lot of faith that I'll ever lose this weight. Somedays I just wonder if I'll be fat forever.. I work out SO MUCH. My diet could be a lot stricter, but is it really that bad? 1900ish calories per day on average with 4-6 workouts per week? WHY WON'T THIS DAMN WEIGHT GO AWAY!!???!?? The more I work out, the hungrier I am. Some days I will go to bed early, because I am SO HUNGRY, but obsess about how many calories I have already eaten that day. It's a sad cycle. I hate every second of it.
Obviously I am losing the faith, but I am NOT giving up on the goals that I have set for myself. I have heard several times over the last week that I need to seriously think about WHY I am doing this, because my reason could be what is holding me back.. I suppose that there are several reasons that I am doing this. Here are some of my reasons... (1) I am doing this because weighing more than my husband is embarrassing. I have ALWAYS weighed at least forty pounds less, but now I'm over ten pounds heavier than he is.. (2) Being fat is extremely uncomfortable. If I lay on my arm, it falls asleep. If I want to cut my toenails, I cannot breathe. Sometimes just sitting in a chair is uncomfortable. Waistbands hurt. (3) When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel ashamed. I am fat. I have rolls. I recently sprouted some very faint white stretch marks on my hips and lower back. (4) I live in Hawaii. Clothing here is a loose term, and most people run around in bikinis and cover-ups all day. I haven't worn a bikini in so long... I love bikinis, but I think I would offend people if I wore one, and I don't feel "pretty" enough for one at the moment. (5) Obesity runs in my family. The odds are against me, so I would like to take charge now, to avoid being heavy forever. (6) It hurts to walk up stairs because of the pressure on my joints. Every morning, I climb ninety-seven stairs at work. Ouch. (7) I miss hearing my husband tell me that I'm beautiful. I can tell that he isn't attracted to my body the way that he used to be (this hasn't impacted our sex life). I want to be thin and fit for him. (7) I let my scale define me, and I used to joke "if I ever weigh 120, just kill me!" I currently weigh 168...
This is a process. I will press on. I will use positive self-talk, no matter how unnatural it seems now. I am doing an impressive job with my workouts, and I need to learn to praise myself more.