Saturday, June 01, 2013
This was maybe, a day or two ago... but I can't get it out of my mind.
Me and my mother were at my son's school. We were parked, waiting to pick him up when the bell rang. As the other parents started to gather around the waiting area, my mother observes them and says "God, I hate skinny bitches..." with this dramatic scoff afterwards. (Most of the mothers are skinny/thin or healthy looking women. There are very few overweight parents that I have seen. They even have a morning running club for the parents. I love all of this about his school.) I look at her in disgust, like, how can you say that? So I just reason with her, saying "Awh, mom, don't say that. That's not fair."
She turns to me, and says, "Oh, so because you're 5 lbs away from the 200s you relate to them now? You all of a sudden love skinny bitches?" There was no way to explain to her that there was no valid reason for hating someone you don't know and my/their weight has nothing to do with it. When I tried to bring up the fact that she wants to lose weight as well, which means she has to have some desire to look thin/healthy weighted, she just kept getting louder and cutting me off. She wouldn't like it if they stared at her and whispered under their breath about how much they hate morbidly obese people.
I know what she said was something she is dealing with internally because she can't turn her health around like she aspires to (yet makes no motions to do), but at the same time... I can't bring myself to share my successes or talk to her anymore because she'll throw them back at me in a mean way. Since I'm not instantly skinny she assumes I'll fail, and believes that I'll never get to a healthy weight, that it's not worth it and that I'm wasting my time, and that I'm basically dreaming.
For the past 3 days, I have given in to fast food (granted I made much smarter choices than I would have in the past) and didn't exercise aside from walking dogs at the shelter and walking around the mall. -_- I couldn't understand what had gotten me out of the great mindset I had.
Today, my mother didn't have to work. I was scheduled to workout today. I didn't, though. I never do when she's home. I thought it was because I was ashamed of myself.
I realized that it's because I'm afraid she'll put me down. I don't want her to say something to me that will make me think all my efforts are for nothing.
I mean, she always rolls her eyes when I eat too little for her liking, or eat healthy, or talk about nutrients and calories or tracking or exercise, but I'm used to that. What I'm not used is her verbally attacking me about how I'll never be able to accomplish my goal.
Right now as I post this, it makes me want to prove her wrong. However, for the last few days, I've been sulking and eating my feelings. I've been sleeping all the time, and eating when I'm not sleeping. I'm glad I've realized that I need to write it down and put it out there to get it out of my head so that I can move on.
Tomorrow morning (technically later since it's almost 1 am) I will get back to eating much healthier (even though I wouldn't say I've been eating totally unhealthily) and exercising as planned.
Hoping for a much better tomorrow,