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    ALYSSAR2012   10,727
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My Own Mother Mocked Me

Saturday, June 01, 2013

This was maybe, a day or two ago... but I can't get it out of my mind.

Me and my mother were at my son's school. We were parked, waiting to pick him up when the bell rang. As the other parents started to gather around the waiting area, my mother observes them and says "God, I hate skinny bitches..." with this dramatic scoff afterwards. (Most of the mothers are skinny/thin or healthy looking women. There are very few overweight parents that I have seen. They even have a morning running club for the parents. I love all of this about his school.) I look at her in disgust, like, how can you say that? So I just reason with her, saying "Awh, mom, don't say that. That's not fair."

She turns to me, and says, "Oh, so because you're 5 lbs away from the 200s you relate to them now? You all of a sudden love skinny bitches?" There was no way to explain to her that there was no valid reason for hating someone you don't know and my/their weight has nothing to do with it. When I tried to bring up the fact that she wants to lose weight as well, which means she has to have some desire to look thin/healthy weighted, she just kept getting louder and cutting me off. She wouldn't like it if they stared at her and whispered under their breath about how much they hate morbidly obese people.

I know what she said was something she is dealing with internally because she can't turn her health around like she aspires to (yet makes no motions to do), but at the same time... I can't bring myself to share my successes or talk to her anymore because she'll throw them back at me in a mean way. Since I'm not instantly skinny she assumes I'll fail, and believes that I'll never get to a healthy weight, that it's not worth it and that I'm wasting my time, and that I'm basically dreaming.

For the past 3 days, I have given in to fast food (granted I made much smarter choices than I would have in the past) and didn't exercise aside from walking dogs at the shelter and walking around the mall. -_- I couldn't understand what had gotten me out of the great mindset I had.

Today, my mother didn't have to work. I was scheduled to workout today. I didn't, though. I never do when she's home. I thought it was because I was ashamed of myself.

I realized that it's because I'm afraid she'll put me down. I don't want her to say something to me that will make me think all my efforts are for nothing.

I mean, she always rolls her eyes when I eat too little for her liking, or eat healthy, or talk about nutrients and calories or tracking or exercise, but I'm used to that. What I'm not used is her verbally attacking me about how I'll never be able to accomplish my goal.

Right now as I post this, it makes me want to prove her wrong. However, for the last few days, I've been sulking and eating my feelings. I've been sleeping all the time, and eating when I'm not sleeping. I'm glad I've realized that I need to write it down and put it out there to get it out of my head so that I can move on.

Tomorrow morning (technically later since it's almost 1 am) I will get back to eating much healthier (even though I wouldn't say I've been eating totally unhealthily) and exercising as planned.

Hoping for a much better tomorrow,
Alyssa.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RISINGBLUESTAR 6/2/2013 6:32AM

    It sounds like what is going on is that your mother is trying to sabotage you because she feels intimidated and inferior. She sees that you are changing, making progress and she isn't. She feels intimidated by people who are healthy & thin. Like you said, she desires something that they already obtain.

When your mom mocks you, it isn't about you. I know it seems like it is and it hurts but it's her way of dealing with her pain. People who cut other people with their words are suffering inside. Being verbally attacked is very difficult and painful. When someone punches someone else, bruises eventually heal but words can echo so long afterwards.

I am not saying it is right because it's not but remember, this is your journey. You don't have anything to prove to anyone. This journey is about becoming healthier for YOU. Nobody can steal that light within completely. They may be able to dim it for a little while but they can never burn it out entirely. You have to keep the spark ignited. The reason you lost your mindset is because the echos got to you. They get to all of us at times and we have set backs but keep pushing. You CAN do this. I know you CAN. You KNOW you CAN! It doesn't matter what anybody else says or thinks because you know the TRUTH! :)

Keep going!

Hope Sunday is better for you!!

:)

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ONUTHIN125 6/1/2013 8:54PM

    emoticon emoticon

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ONESTRONGSIREN 6/1/2013 4:58PM

    Alyssa, thanks for being brave and sharing your experience with all of us. Yup, we've all been there if not with a mother, but a loved one, a father, a sibling, a boss, a co-worker, a stranger, etc.

When we find things that work we want to shout it from the rooftops so no one else has to go through the search process that we did to find out way - but the reality is they have to go through that path. You lead by example, you take care of you, you know that your mother is just human like the rest of us, and is only doing what many of us do when we're hurt, feeling like failures, embarrassed, etc. inside. Have empathy that she's not in the blissful place that you are where you've found your way. Don't give in to her path as it just doesn't work. =) You've found what works.. follow it and keep doing what you're doing for YOU. =)

HUGS!



Comment edited on: 6/1/2013 5:02:30 PM

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MOTHEPRO 6/1/2013 2:34PM

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MARIANNE9855 6/1/2013 1:42PM

    Ahhh mothers- can't live without them , can't live with them.
How many of our mothers helped in the formation of our weight loss problems and probably someone did the same for them.
It is very cruel to say but sometimes we need to establish physical distance in order to get emotional distance- I know I am never successful if I am around mine all the time-
But when we eat or what they say it just gets worst.
I had, still have, a mom like that and my husband is like that too- both with weight problems- some where I read when we eat over a problem then we have two problems instead of one and I try to remember that when I am tempted.
Get some emotional distance if not physical- get back on the horse- this is about you- not her-
you can do this and we are all here to help! congrats on how much you have accomplished- push past this bump in the road and you will be fine. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LIVEDAILY 6/1/2013 1:20PM

    Ah, mothers. We don't get to pick them. We just have to learn how to deal with them. How many of us here on SP have a difficult mother...show of hands? I'd estimate between 60-90% of us do/did.

She is jealous of your determination and success. It's much easier to put you down for what you are doing than for her to make the changes she needs to do.

You need to get back on the horse you were riding before your mom threw you off. You know what you need to do. You've BEEN doing it! Don't let your mom's jealousy sabotage your efforts.

Um...are you living with your mom?? Or is she living with you? Any way that can change? If not, then you need to begin limiting the amount of time you're with her. She may have her good points, but she's also toxic, and you don't need that.

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MARUKI52 6/1/2013 10:18AM

    I agree with what has already been said. You must hang on in there because you are doing this for YOU and you alone. You are doing this for no one else so try to ignore what has happened and keep going because you know better than anyone else that you are worth the effort.
emoticon

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STONECOT 6/1/2013 5:53AM

    Lovepurple is totally right, she's jealous, and worried. Your Mum is telling you exactly what she tells herself, and these are the reasons SHE never loses weight. It's likely to get worse as well, as you succeed, and you are going to succeed aren't you. At the moment she is seeing you doing what she should be doing, and she can no longer comfortably ignore it. You are going to have to grow a very thick skin, because you MUST keep going. It's no consolation, but my husband used to do that to me, and it's very hurtful. Chin up, ignore all the comments, and make your increasing weight loss your answer. emoticon

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MUSCLE-UP 6/1/2013 1:14AM

    Once when I got within a few pounds of my goal my brother explained this to me and it was so true. I was doing all of the right things and was espousing these ideas innocently to my brother because these were coming naturally to me now.

My brother explained to me I was acting like a reformed acholic and he was right. I had reformed my ways and now I was innocently spreading the good news. To an acholic who is trying to put one foot in front of the other and is trying to not take that drink from minute-to-minute I would seem kind of preachy and they would want me to get off their back even though didn't feel like I was preaching.

Your mom sounds like she is at the drunk stage with weight loss and just don't share the wonderful message with her, she gets grumpy coming down off her food binges.

Hang with us and hug your mama.

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LOVEPURPLE2 6/1/2013 1:04AM

    Wow, Alyssa, that's awful. Your mother is projecting her bad feelings at you and sabotaging your efforts to get healthy. She's not mad at you, she's jealous. If you lose the weight then it will no longer "be okay" for her to be overweight. As a mother, I don't understand not wanting your child to be successful. I know you love your mom, but I say to heck with her. You need to do what is right for you and your son. If she makes remarks about your good eating habits or exercise, just ignore her. You don't have to explain yourself. Don't let her bring you down cause that's exactly what she wants. Good luck to you.

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SUSANBEAMON 6/1/2013 1:00AM

  our mothers have a great deal of influence on how we feel about ourselves. so much so, that sometimes we need to talk to a councilor or therapist about it. if you find yourself changing your behavior when your mother is around to something you don't like, that may be helpful.

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KESTRYLL 6/1/2013 12:57AM

    I wish you a happier tomorrow. Sometimes we just have to love our mothers and do what we know is right, good luck and I hope you get to the 200's!

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