Friday, May 31, 2013
After some thinking, I have decided to hold off on starting anything drastic (in terms of an eating plan) right now. I am going to continue to work hard to make healthy and wise choices in what I am eating. I am going to work hard to manage my portion size. I am going to try to stick to foods recommended in the 17 day diet cycle one, but I am not going to be rigid about it. I loved the 17 dd and didn't ever feel deprived on it at all when I did my first round. I saw great results and really liked following that eating plan. I think of it more as an eating plan as opposed to a diet. I think it will be a great way for me to reboot my metabolism. I do want to follow the cycles again, but I need to get something else under control first.
I have a huge issue with binge eating. I can't explain. I don't even know where to start. It is embarrassing and hard to admit, but it is true. I don't know what exactly I have, what the cause is, or how to deal with it, but I do know that I need to figure it out. I don't know if there is truly something wrong that is an actual thing (binge eating disorder), or if it is as simple as weak will power. I haven't done a lot of research on it, even though I have been eating this way for a while. It is getting worse and worse it seems each year. I need to address it and get it under control. I get these massive urges to eat a bunch of food and I can't quiet the urge until I give in. I tend to get several meals from a place and eat until I am stuffed and feel sick. Granted, I don't finish all of the meals. I have leftovers, but still that is not normal eating. I don't eat until I am full; I eat until I can't stand it anymore. I can even have cravings when I am stuffed full. I don't know how to explain it, but I know I need to manage it. It is unhealthy and I am gaining back what I worked so hard to lose because I have been on what feels like a constant binge for 2 weeks or so. I get one thing out of my system, and then move onto another. I keep thinking that if I just eat it and get rid of the urge, I will be done and can move on. But, that isn't the case. The urge just turns to something else. If I can't eat what I want then I get in a bad mood and take it out on everyone around me. It isn't fair to my family. It isn't fair to me. I am not treating myself right.
Again, I don't know how to explain it and I hate to admit it. For the most part, this behavior is secretive and embarrassing. I don't eat crazy in front of anyone. I think most people would be surprised at the food I can consume.
Since I have been having so much trouble getting back on track, I figure that I had better address this issue. This issue is what is causing me so much of a challenge. I also really think that if I managed this issue, I wouldn't have to work so hard at my weight. I don't have the "purging" part of the eating. I don't feel the need to work out, or expel the calories in various ways. I just wait it out. Eventually the food and fullness subsides as it works its way out of my system. Eating all of the calories though is making it near impossible to keep weight off or lose. If I just consumed normal amounts of foods, I would be able to maintain a healthy weight. I don't understand why I have such an issue.
I am taking steps to learn though. I have read and found inspiration on SP. I have found sparkers that seem to be going through or have gone through similar circumstances. Yesterday I ordered some books about binge eating that were spoken about by sparkers and that helped them. I know that everyone is different and somethings will help some and might not help others, but if I don't try to work it out, things won't change. Not permanently anyways. I bought one of the books, Brain over Binge, on my ipad and have been reading that. It is so interesting how much I can relate to the author and how I am going through and feeling the same way she felt/feels. It is nice to know that I am not alone or crazy in feeling this way towards food. I am still in the beginning of the book, but hope to find it helpful.
Until I get a plan together on this front, I am going to hold off to committing to a plan. I don't know when I will get one together; could be tomorrow or a week. I want to read this book first and then make one. The other books are in the mail. My goal is to work on taming this over summer. I am still holding on to my goal of losing 30 by 30. I know I can do it. I know that I can.
So much to think about. This is so long and I know I rambled through it. I have never put these thoughts out there. Not even with my family or husband. Scary to think that I just did, but it is the truth. It is where I am at now. These blogs are my record of my journey and this is part of it, whether I want to admit it or not.