#132 - I Have a Problem.
Friday, May 31, 2013
It's been a few days since my last post; I guess I just haven't had much to share. Yesterday, I had an appointment for my foot injury, and I'm being booted for another two weeks. I'm a little disappointed, but I'd rather it heal correctly than for there to be problems down the road.
Last time I posted, I talked about how this injury was a blessing in disguise because it provided an opportunity to focus one area of health -- food. While I'd love to tell you how amazing I've been doing, I am not going to lie -- I've been stuffing my face every chance I get. Take out, candy, soda, and entire bags of chips have been my friends lately. It's disgusting.
It's funny because I've been trying to put my finger on the "why", and I can't seem to figure it out. I've come up with a few that I thought were it, but I'm not sure that they are. Even if they were, how would I even deal with them?
1 - I'm not proud of my body at all because I'm so incredibly bloated. (For example, last weekend, my boyfriend and I hung out with his coworkers by the pool, and I refused to wear a bathing suit. I wore shorts and a t-shirt that didn't show my stomach.) It can't really be this reason because I've always been bloated and ashamed of my body.
2 - It's that time of the month. In the past, I have eaten a lot before and during it, but I've eaten SO MUCH that it's almost like I'm eating for two (I'm not pregnant though!).
3 - My foot and the two races that are coming up. The last two weeks, I have been pretty anxious about the two July races that I'm supposed to be in because I've not had any time to train due to this injury. I'm not even sure I will have any time. If I do, it'll be 2-3 weeks which won't be much. However, the last few days, I've accepted the fact that I will most likely be walking them (maybe walk/run).
4 - I've been debating a couple life changes recently. First, I hate my job, so I've been thinking about going back to school or moving to a new city. Where I live now, there aren't many jobs available, so one of those options are going to have to happen. Both of these are big steps, and they make me very nervous. Secondly, my boyfriend and I have been looking at engagement rings, and to be honest, it's kind of scary. It's a big step especially when my family is just now coming around in regards to our relationship. I've just been having a lot of doubts -- what if we can't make it? (Is this normal?) Being a child of divorce, I don't want that. In addition, I've caught my mind wedding planning even though he has not even asked yet.
5 - My last possible reason is that I might have a eating disorder. If that's the case, I can't seek help right now because I've got way to many doctor appointments that have been costly. It's just not an option.
What doesn't make sense is that I feel like crap, but I continue to eat poorly. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to get on the scale. If I don't change something soon, I'm going to find myself back at 171 in just a few short months. I need to somehow find my way back on track.
What would you do?
Member Comments About This Blog Post
At least you are thinking about things and not pushing them off. If you focus you will succeed. Work at one thing at a time. You can do this!
1483 days ago
I have been in the same boat for the last few months and it basically dawned on me one day that I am mildly depressed (don't really talk about it). It came on due to tons of stress with school, finances, etc. and living away from my husband. Now that I'm home, its better but I'm still alone all day, the finances are still bad, I'm still eating crap. At least now, I don't have as easy access to fast food as I did when I was living at school.
Anyway, my point is that sometimes there are things in your life that make you feel out of control and you do things that you don't understand. I want to get healthy so badly and lose the weight (because I so do not feel good in the body I have right now) but those other stresses are still there, eating away at me. I'm just trying to take it one day, on meal at a time. I know that workouts are important for me. For you, it is tough being in a boot (I know, that was me last November!). Can you do air boxing or anything to help relieve stress? I know exercise helps me a ton to stay on track.
Finally, find an accountability partner! I am in a group right now that is texting pictures of everything we eat (As you saw in my blog today!) I'm always willing to be there for you! Email, spark people, whatever! But find a group or a person who will check in regularly and make sure its someone non-judgemental. You need to come out of it on your own and I know you will, but its so much easier when you have a cheerleader on your side!
1486 days ago
we are all here for you as you figure all this out Sam. YOu are a strong person and will figure this out! We are here for guidance if you need it. You can do anything you want!
1486 days ago
Body image is such a huge issue. I don't think there's just one reason or motivation. If I had the answers I would share them. Just know I'm thinking of you and if I had any suggestions worth sharing (or that haven't already been expressed by others) I would share them with you.
1489 days ago
I would go back to school. That was the first thing that popped into my mind. It's scary and it's hard, but you will be so much better for it. I'm currently trying to get to grad school. Basically if you are having a hard time finding a job, NOT furthering your education is unlikely to be of help. You know?
Hang in there!
1489 days ago
I recognize that we don't know each other, so please don't take anything I've written the wrong way. I mean this as a friend, not in a critical way at all.
1 - Our bodies are absolutely amazing machines that do so many astounding things, regardless of our weight. It's okay to not love where you're at, but at least try to have respect for all the things your body does right. Treat yourself (and talk to yourself) like you would a friend...you wouldn't tell a friend that you are ashamed of her body because she isn't at the "right" weight, would you? Stop focusing on what you don't like and focus on something you do like...my hair looks great today, I love my eyes, etc...just something positive, no matter how "trivial" it may seem.
2 - Adding hormones to stress is a recipe for disaster. Recognize that your body is needing a little extra compassion this week. Try adding a healthy snack along with a treat. A food/feelings journal might help too..write down what you eat and how you're feeling at the time. Make a conscious decision each time you eat, try not to mindlessly munch. Portion out one serving each time and it might help you eat less of it. Moderation, not deprivation.
3 - Sounds like you're pretty disappointed about not being able to train. I think this is where some of the stress eating is coming from. Injuries happen, life happens. It's totally okay to walk a race this time so that your foot can heal properly and you can get back to training for the next race. It's not a failure, it's making a tough but smart decision now to protect yourself for the future.
4 - Life changes = stress and often stress leads to comfort eating. Is there anything that would make your current job more enjoyable (eg listening to music at your desk, having a "quiet time" without phone calls so you can catch up on things, etc)? Can you make any suggestions for reasonable changes in the workplace? Can you go out with your coworkers to get to know them better? What about bringing in a "just because" treat for the office morale? I don't know what you do, so these might not be helpful. My point is this: the job market is tough everywhere right now and you've got some other life stress going on - now might not be the best time to change jobs anyway so can you look for ways to improve your current job while you look for another? On to your possible engagement...it is scary and it is a big step, but that doesn't make it wrong. Do you love your boyfriend? Does your boyfriend love you, treat you well and respect you? Does being with him make you want to be a better you? I'm assuming that the answers are yes. How would you feel if you were to never be with him again? Terrible? Your marriage would not be like anyone else because you aren't anyone else, so it's not fair to compare it to anyone's marriage. Your parents' divorce, though painful, does not automatically doom your relationship. My husband and I both come from dysfunctional divorced parents and we're still very happily married 13 years later. We have some bad moments, but neither of us have ever considered calling it quits. It's normal to have doubts, it's normal to not want to go through the pain of divorce. But don't trade in your potential happiness for what might or might not happen sometime in the future. None of us ever know for sure, just trust that it's good now and has no reason to change.
5 - If you think you really have an eating disorder, it's important to get help. I only know what's on the page here, but to me it sounds like you're a little depressed and under a lot of stress. Start with a small change that you can sustain. Make sure you drink enough water, take a walk, start a hobby, volunteer somewhere, do something good for someone else.
You'll figure it out. Remember to be kind to yourself...you're worth it.
1489 days ago
1 - I've been there and it's not a nice place to be. The only way to become unashamed is to:
a.) accept it because you are more than your body. Think about how loving and kind and wonderful you are which is way more important than anything else, but keep in mind that if you want to live an easier life the best way to have that is to be at a healthy weight.
b.) stop suffering in your shame by letting go of the ego. Your ego wants you to be a bombshell.
2 - I had cravings too when my TOM came around. I used to buy a large bag of M&M's to soothe my craving for chocolate. After I got into eating only real foods I became more careful about what I decided to put into my body and yes, IMO, dark chocolate counts as real food. Try and stick with the recommended serving size on the package so you don't go overboard.
3 - If it were me I would pull out of the races entirely if I could get my entry fees back. You don't know how your foot healing will progress. You may hope it will get better, but it might not. That is an absolute unknown factor. If you can't get your fees back then walk, don't run. In the end it's only disappointing because you have a desired or expected outcome. If you drop your expectations the disappointment will go away.
4 - Hate your job? Quit. Life is too short to do something you hate. School sounds good, but will you be able to find a job in your present city after school?
If your BF hasn't asked you to marry him, why are you shopping for rings and wedding planning? I think you need to talk more with him about this before going any further.
5 - Thinking you may have an eating disorder is speculation on your part, especially since you feel you can't afford to get help. Personally I believe that food creates our mood. Once I turned my back on ALL non-foods and started eating only REAL WHOLE foods my mind became clearer and my mood shifted from dark to sunny.
And lastly, "Take out, candy, soda, and entire bags of chips have been my friends lately." These are NOT friends. Maybe you can start to think of them as poison instead, because really, candy, soda and chips aren't real food. Remember that there are hundreds if not thousands of people employed in the junk food industry that are researching the "right" combination of non-foods that will get you addicted and keep you addicted. Personally I refuse to contribute to those who are manipulating us for profit.
All you need to do to change your life is change your mind.
Keep on keeping on, grrl!!
1489 days ago
It could be all of them combined. There is usually never just one reason why we do this to ourselves. The common thread in all of these problems you are facing is your confidence. You are not loving your body, your job, etc, which all equal to your not loving yourself. Change is so so scary I am dealing with crazy changes myself. But the thing we must remember is to trust our guts and it will show us the way. Love yourself and things will start to fall into place better. Trust your instincts. You can face all of these head on!
1489 days ago
I agree that it sounds like maybe emotional eating. It's a step in the right direction that you're actively thinking about why you're overeating. Maybe keep a food diary for a week or so - not just of what you're eating but how you feel when you do it. Stressed, scared, anxious, bored, whatever. Once you identify the patterns, you can do something to address them, or avoid some triggers.
1489 days ago
Sorry to hear you are booted for another couple of weeks, my guess (from what you have written above) is that it is some kind of emotional eating (stress seems very likely). I am only just starting to acknowledge that I emotionally eat myself, so I have no advice on that, other than try going back to basics - cut out one thing and go for a 1 day, 1 week, 1 month streak, make sure you get your water, and do what you can with you poorly foot.
Wishing you a sunny weekend
1489 days ago
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