Thursday, May 30, 2013
On Tuesday, I confessed to my friends on both of my threads how badly I was feeling, mentally, physically and emotionally. I have been trying to keep up a good front, trying to "fake it until I could make it". Wasn't working very well.
I was simply living in a state of denial and depression. Pain, both emotional and physcial was ruining my days.
Since I have unburdened myself, I am feeling better. I committed to eating more fruit and vegetables. Have been doing that. Have been getting a bit more exercise.
But, I think the most important thing that I am doing is going back to basics.
About 5 1/2 years ago when I began this journey, one of the first things I did was work on getting rid of the "guilt" that I had associated with food and eating for so much of my life.
I began listening for the negative messages that I was giving myself, and worked to recognize them for what they were, all lies.
I do not have to be fat. I do not deserve to feel badly about who I am because of food or weight.
It was working pretty well. I had lost 70 pounds.
Then, 2 years ago, my back went out so badly that I was in terrible pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I could not concentrate on anything except how terrible I felt. I had 5 herniated discs in my lumbar region.
In Oct of 2011, I had a 4 level fusion in my lumbar region. When I woke from the surgery, I was sick from the drugs, but the pain was so much less that I was so happy.
It has been a struggle since then. Ups and downs. I lost some of the weight I had put back on and was exercising.
Suffered some personal loses, death, illness and once again pain, not as bad, but still pain. The rest of my body had adapted to the snake like shape of my back, and so now that it was straight, and I was working on moving it, many parts of the body had a difficult time adjusting.
I am better, but still have some issues in my knees, and some in my right s/i joint.
I am now 30 pounds over my lowest weight, having kept off 40 pounds of the 70 I had lost.
My knees still hurt, but I am beginning to exercise a bit. Slowly so that I don't cause more injury, but I am doing it.
I am meeting my commitment to eat more fruits and veggies. I have been tracking my food. It is not "perfect" but much better.
I actually think that eating more veggies is helping to release some of the fluid in my body, so that my joints will hopefully get better as the time goes on.
I begin again. One day at a time, one small step at a time.
I have to begin to love me again, or nothing will change.
Thank God for this place and the people who have supported me no matter what.
It has been a tough couple of years, but I will come back. I HAVE to.