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    SHIMMERMAMA   28,979
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down in the dumps

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I don't want to do this here, but I realized I don't really have someone I can vent to that's close by and that's just made me feel worse.

B and I have been fighting. A lot. It's affecting everything in my life and I don't want it to. I haven't been exercising of even taking as good of care of my furbaby and I should. The things we fight about are stupid, little things...not even worth the time to argue about, but argue we do.

I think I could handle it if that's all it was, but I feel like I'm riding the world's scariest roller coaster. There are good days in between all the fighting, where we enjoy building things or working on the new house. These days are great and mostly argument-free, but then there's days like today where the arguing doesn't stop.

His friends want to come visit this weekend and the house is in shambles. I want it to be nice for them, so last night we worked on priming one bedroom so it will look presentable. He basically wanted to give up and just stick a small rug on the floor, leaving out guests in a unfinished room. I told him I thought we could do better than that and we argued about priorities. He even made me detail out how many hours we had to get things done. I was just trying to be optimistic and wanted his friends to have a good experience...especially since they will be our first house guests. He stalked off to have a shower and then came back fighting more, having decided that now we should "be rude" and just take back the invitation. Things are harder because they're moving across the country in three weeks and this visit would be the last time we see them for a long time.

Since we invited them I didn't think it was right to take it back and there was more yelling and then I stalked off for a shower. I made a single comment to him after I got out and he blew up at me, saying I was always accusing him of doing something wrong and he left. I guess he couldn't stand me anymore so he got in the car and took off somewhere. Ugh...no one on Spark needs to hear this. I just don't know what to do.

I looked up a bunch of stuff online about why people fight and strategies to stop it. I sent it all to him and he fought with me about that even..saying it was obvious what our problem was from what I sent him, but making no effort to try and fix it. I'm just at my wits end fighting with him. I love the guy, but things are so rocky right now, I'm just having trouble seeing through all this. How will we ever find a resolution? I don't want to be fighting with him forever...
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JENSTRESS 5/30/2013 11:59AM

    I really agree with JazzeJr (and all of the other posters).

My husband and I rarely fight. When we do, however, his temper is INSANE. He is getting so much better, and is really getting better at telling me something that bothers him, not letting it get to the blow up place.

Here is why he is getting better. Finally, I sat down with him one day and I told him that we are on the same side. He is fighting with me about things that are of little or no value. Even though it might be something little that doesn't matter, when we fought I always felt so little... like he could not care less about me, us and our relationship. When he realized what he was doing to make me feel this way, he tried to change. It is not easy for him. However, when I feel him getting to the "argument" point, I tend to take a beat and figure out what I could be saying that pisses him off. Sometimes I have to be right and don't even realize it. So I do make sure to tell him that HE is right, even if I don't agree. LIke in your argument, telling him that he is RIGHT, time is short, you just wanted things a certain way and didn't mean for it to get so carried away. Guys don't think the way we do, and they often want to fix everything and not let us down. I am not saying he was right, I am just saying those things help me diffuse my husband's temper, and then we usually can just TALK after instead of it turning nuclear.

And it doesn't matter if this is fitness, health, nutrition related. We are all here to support one another, in LIFE. And this is your mental health.

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JAZZEJR 5/30/2013 9:19AM

    You've received a lot of good advice here, and I'm no expert, but I am going to add some tidbits to them since I am older than a lot of you and have been married for 22 years, in longterm relationships after that and have learned a lot about men over the years. Now, of course there are exceptions but first, they don't think like us (except that like us, in any disagreement, they want to be "right.") So you're wasting your breath with your logical explanations of why you're right--save those for your girl friends :) They want very much to be respected, and they usually mean what they say. When he says he wants to stop working on the room, and you try to force him to keep working with your logic, an on-going argument is pretty much guaranteed. I've found it's sometimes best to say nothing (I learned this from a man :) State your opinion in a non-blaming way and then just do what you think is best. What do you think would have been his reaction if you'd just said, "Well, since we invited Mike and Laura, I just want to make the room as presentable as possible, but I understand if you're tired" and just kept painting, and not responding to anything else he had to say? (Don't say YOUR FRIENDS--that just sounds like "It's your fault we're in this situation anyway--how DARE you try to abandon the work").

Showing him research on metacommunication just added wood to the fire. Most men already think women outthink and outalk them--they're fighting for survival in an argument. When you throw in back-up for your perspective, all they can do is just reject it and keep swinging. I used to say, "Dr. Phil says...." Oh would that ever infuriate my guy! I find I pretty much get my way now but NOT arguing. I don't change my perspective; I just don't argue. I say, "O...K..." in a tone that indicates, "So THAT'S the way it is, eh?" And soon he's saying something that shows he's thinking about it, and coming around. I still don't say anything...:) You'll figure it out, but remember, Dr. Phil says, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" You don't have to match him word for word, and you can be both.

Comment edited on: 5/30/2013 9:36:59 AM

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FANGFACEKITTY 5/30/2013 1:45AM

    If the fighting is a recent thing it could just be the stress of working on the new house coming out.

But if this has been the "norm" all along...I am going to go against the other posters and say unless he is willing to work on the underlying issues with you, or you are willing to always give in just to keep the peace (and this strategy will not work)...you may have to decide if continuing on like this is worth it to your health, mental and physical.

No one wants to talk about giving up, but it is a possibility that should always be considered, to put things in perspective and help decide what is really important to you.

My ex-husband was exactly the same way. Everything was a fight, EVERYTHING was ALWAYS someone else's fault and was NEVER his. He refused to see anything wrong with this philosophy or compromise or admit there was ever any other way to approach an issue. It was either his way...or major fights and temper tantrums and taking off in the car and "talk to the hand" silent treatments and just downright nasty rudeness. At the end of the (15 years) day he was just unwilling to work on the relationship...and it does take both people to work on it. Walking away after 15 years investment was very hard and also one of the best things I ever did for ME.

I'm not saying chuck it all out right now, but think about if overall you are happy and can continue to live like this if he does not change. Or if overall you are not happy and he is unwilling to work on your relationship...which you will have to do as well because no one is perfect and he will have some equally legitimate complaints about you...can you continue to live like this, or "sugar coat" it for him at the expense of yourself for the rest of your lives? And know, too, the more you pander to avoid the fights, the more likely the fights are to happen because he will expect more and more and more (I am assuming the actions you describe and fighting are a constant "norm" and part of his personality, not just something brought about by the recent house stress. Moving is one of the most stressful things a couple does).

When you are ale to talk to him in a calmer moment try to avoid sentences starting with "you do this..." to avoid putting him on the defensive with what he will see as an attack. Try instead "I feel like xxx when this happens, how can WE work together to help" & listen closely to his response, and know that sometimes it will take several tries to get through.

And, again, listen closely to his responses. Things said in anger are generally the truth about someone's feelings coming out, without the sugar coating of societal politeness ingrained in us.

Comment edited on: 5/30/2013 1:50:56 AM

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SVELTEWARRIOR 5/29/2013 11:08PM

    The people on Spark need and want to hear this. We are all here to support each other...in everything not just weight loss. COCOONGIRL made some really good points. I hope things calm down for you.

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MARTHAWILL 5/29/2013 9:41PM

    Wishing for strength for you as work things through, whatever your future will be. I've been married 44 years and we have definitiely had days like that. Only you can determine if this is a temporary setback in your relationship or likely to be a rocky road.. Hope you can sort things out and have peace with your decisions.
Know your SparkFriends care about you and support you. Becoming a healthier person includes not only the physical, but the mental, emotional and spiritual parts of a person- so it is appropriate to share your struggles.
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TWEETYKC00 5/29/2013 6:40PM

    Everyone has arguments, things happen, but either he seems unwilling to try and help solve the problems and continues to argue or even leave, then it would seem time to take another approach. Maybe try to sit him down when you are both calm later on and talk then. I hope things work out ok for you.

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RONSWIFE1028 5/29/2013 6:31PM

  It's okay to argue just sometimes even though you know your right just let it go and say okay baby we can do it you way trust me I know from experience I love my husband to death and we've been together for 13 years there have been days when I just want to get up and walk away but where would I be with out him. Sometimes we can argue about the stupidest things but just remember you are always together there will be days that you get on each others nerves but just think if he was never around how you would feel.

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HAPPYMENOW58 5/29/2013 6:02PM

    Relationships are about compromising...I would say to him.....I think the rug is a good idea...but maybe we need to add a few more things to make it more comfortable....I always start by giving him a compliment...like...boy, you're good at......!? Then add a little bit of my side to it...I also try to sweetly say...I'm not trying to hurt your feelings...but I thought I would mention.....Sounds to me he is a lot like my husband and may need things sugar coated a bit...Maybe his parents were too hard on him when he grew up....? These types of guys just require more positives, complimentsetc....If you love him and want to make it work...try some icing! Good luck..I have been married 35 years and still have to do it!( but it is worth it!) Don't lose your cool...stay in control.....

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COCOONGIRL 5/29/2013 5:53PM

    Hi there...I don't know you and I haven't been on spark for a long time...I am probably the LAST person that should be giving you advice but MAN have I been there....

My husband and I are married 7 years in September...I am STRONG willed and had been a single mom for a long time...when we got married we REALLY hit heads...over EVERYTHING including where things belonged in the fridge.....

What I found was that I needed to give over a little bit of control...how much of what we were arguing about was MY fault (turns out it was pretty much)...without compromising my principles I began to yield a little bit to his "wishes" (again I am saying I did this WITHOUT compromising my PRINCIPLES)....I found that the fighting started to go away....

Think about what you said "they are moving across the country and this might be the last time we see them for a while"...do you REALLY think that they care how your house looks or is that more of a pride thing for you? I know for me if I have friends that invite me over I could care LESS what their house looks like....I want to be with THEM....I have a feeling that this would be the same with your friends (and if not I would question how great of a friend they really are??)....call them...tell them "listen B and I REALLY want to have you over...we are stressed because the house is not in great shape yet, we have a ton of work to do, but you guys are important to us...so it is up to you if you want to come but be prepared we threw primer on the wall and a rug on the floor"....I have a feeling they are going to say they will be there no matter what....

As for all of the fighting the other thing I did was to journal...instead of screaming at my husband I wrote..A LOT....when I calmed down I would come back and talk to him about my LEGIT complaints....deep breath....calm music...time alone....candles...a bath....things for YOU....

The only one you can change in you....the only reactions you can change are your own....if you stop fighting he can't fight alone....(omg I feel like my mom is talking through me!!)....

And last but not least OF COURSE PEOPLE ON SPARK NEED TO HEAR THIS...this is not just a site about weight loss...it is a sight about life....

Hang in there....

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TWEETY287 5/29/2013 5:50PM

  I know this really isn't diet related but it is stress related I can tell you both are going through a lot of stress, but maybe you should re read what you wrote only because you make some really great point, about why your friends should come over. I know I understand I always feel like no should come over my home unless I make it spot less but the truth is you can't live this way you need to have people over people are very understanding and just try not to care too much!!! One more thing is we all fight we all learn from our mistakes also, so best of luck maybe go for a run and feel a little less stressed.

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