Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Last week I did not make healthy eating and fitness a priority, or even a before or after thought. I ate candy from the candy jar on my desk like there was some sort of shortage. I only exercised once, and I am surprised I managed to do that. I ate when I was hungry, when I wasnít hungry, I thought about food constantly, I wouldnít even be done with lunch and I would be thinking about dinner. Healthy meal choices were not on the menu, in fact the worse it was for me, the more I wanted to eat it. I am not a stranger to this experience but more often than not, I try to fight, I try to explain it with things like, it must be PMS, but this time I decided to approach it from a different perspective; I just gave in. Now, each day, I would say things like, get back on track, today is another day, and then I would see the candy jar, and it seemed futile. So, by about Wednesday, I began to think, there was more going on here than just an off track day or week, but what was it?
In a previous blog I talked about how I felt like I was stuck, things in my life are just not where I want them to be, and I decided that I would seek some professional help to sort through things so I can get un-stuck. The tough part of seeking the professional help is that you actually have to start to deal with the issues and problems that got you stuck in the first place and what I am beginning to find out is, I am not good at dealing, or what I think, is processing the issues and their outcomes. Hence, the candy jar. I had one of those moments yesterday, when I was shoveling pizza in my mouth, about what had really been transpiring over the last week or so.
I know there are a lot of folks out there, who are not emotional eaters, but to me, food and emotions almost go hand and hand and I always find it ironic that the very thing that I am supposed to be conquering can bring me so much pleasure and frustration at the same time. How can pizza be so bad and so good? Why is it that food can be my best friend at times and my worst friend, and why do I consider it a friend at all. Itís food? Then yesterday when one of those issues that I had to confront recently, which I did, came into my thoughts, I realized that I wasnít processing the outcome I was pushing it aside with food. I began to realize that each time a feeling overcame me, relating to this issue, that instead of dealing with it, thinking about it, feeling it, I got up and got something to eat. That is what happened all week, food became the focal point instead of me processing my feelings. Why deal with anything if you can make something else the focal point. Now, I know there are better focal points out there, but I did not care about any of them, I wanted to eat, plain and simple. I wanted the pizza to make me feel better, not a work out or a hot bath.
When I made the decision to seek the professional help, I knew the process was going to be hard, I knew that it was going to get much worse before it gets better, having to deal with painful issues are not easy, and not knowing how to deal with them, well, that makes it even harder. But now, since I called in the Calvary, I can take everything that happened this week and discuss it, use it to move forward so that I can get somewhere. Even though I am not sure of the how, at least I am learning more and more about the why, and I am pleased with the notion that instead of just doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome (that is the definition of insanity by they way) I am taking steps to develop a new plan and fresh plan, that I will implement because I am spending my hard earned money to do so.
Of course choosing not to eat healthy and not exercise this last week, always leads me to that dark place of mine, that gadget on the bathroom floor, who I donít consider a friend at all. When I was walking on Saturday, I really started to think about how my emotions are tied up to what the scale says and one of the places I know I want to get to is to absolutely stop holding myself worth and identity hostage by those STUPID numbers on the scale. I am absolutely exhausted thinking about the number, what it should be, why it should be, why it canít just be what it is.
My goals for my next session are to figure out why I use food the way I do and in turn start working on loving the number on the scale for exactly what it is. I will keep you posted!