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Giving in to get somewhere..

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Last week I did not make healthy eating and fitness a priority, or even a before or after thought. I ate candy from the candy jar on my desk like there was some sort of shortage. I only exercised once, and I am surprised I managed to do that. I ate when I was hungry, when I wasn’t hungry, I thought about food constantly, I wouldn’t even be done with lunch and I would be thinking about dinner. Healthy meal choices were not on the menu, in fact the worse it was for me, the more I wanted to eat it. I am not a stranger to this experience but more often than not, I try to fight, I try to explain it with things like, it must be PMS, but this time I decided to approach it from a different perspective; I just gave in. Now, each day, I would say things like, get back on track, today is another day, and then I would see the candy jar, and it seemed futile. So, by about Wednesday, I began to think, there was more going on here than just an off track day or week, but what was it?

In a previous blog I talked about how I felt like I was stuck, things in my life are just not where I want them to be, and I decided that I would seek some professional help to sort through things so I can get un-stuck. The tough part of seeking the professional help is that you actually have to start to deal with the issues and problems that got you stuck in the first place and what I am beginning to find out is, I am not good at dealing, or what I think, is processing the issues and their outcomes. Hence, the candy jar. I had one of those moments yesterday, when I was shoveling pizza in my mouth, about what had really been transpiring over the last week or so.

I know there are a lot of folks out there, who are not emotional eaters, but to me, food and emotions almost go hand and hand and I always find it ironic that the very thing that I am supposed to be conquering can bring me so much pleasure and frustration at the same time. How can pizza be so bad and so good? Why is it that food can be my best friend at times and my worst friend, and why do I consider it a friend at all. It’s food? Then yesterday when one of those issues that I had to confront recently, which I did, came into my thoughts, I realized that I wasn’t processing the outcome I was pushing it aside with food. I began to realize that each time a feeling overcame me, relating to this issue, that instead of dealing with it, thinking about it, feeling it, I got up and got something to eat. That is what happened all week, food became the focal point instead of me processing my feelings. Why deal with anything if you can make something else the focal point. Now, I know there are better focal points out there, but I did not care about any of them, I wanted to eat, plain and simple. I wanted the pizza to make me feel better, not a work out or a hot bath.

When I made the decision to seek the professional help, I knew the process was going to be hard, I knew that it was going to get much worse before it gets better, having to deal with painful issues are not easy, and not knowing how to deal with them, well, that makes it even harder. But now, since I called in the Calvary, I can take everything that happened this week and discuss it, use it to move forward so that I can get somewhere. Even though I am not sure of the how, at least I am learning more and more about the why, and I am pleased with the notion that instead of just doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome (that is the definition of insanity by they way) I am taking steps to develop a new plan and fresh plan, that I will implement because I am spending my hard earned money to do so.

Of course choosing not to eat healthy and not exercise this last week, always leads me to that dark place of mine, that gadget on the bathroom floor, who I don’t consider a friend at all. When I was walking on Saturday, I really started to think about how my emotions are tied up to what the scale says and one of the places I know I want to get to is to absolutely stop holding myself worth and identity hostage by those STUPID numbers on the scale. I am absolutely exhausted thinking about the number, what it should be, why it should be, why it can’t just be what it is.

My goals for my next session are to figure out why I use food the way I do and in turn start working on loving the number on the scale for exactly what it is. I will keep you posted!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    As you know ... I've been where you are at and I even go back and visit sometimes. O_o
    It's tough but getting to the other side makes us stronger and know ourselves better.
    Change is hard and staring down our own demons ... even harder.

    "...STUPID numbers on the scale." OH MY!!! I still have days where I want to smash my scale against the wall and then mash it into pieces with a baseball bat. Yet, most days I'm "okay" with what I see. Letting go of that anxiety/anger/frustration at the number is SOOOO hard but it is freeing. In the end, as I sit here today, I guess I resolved myself to it being just a number.

    Looking forward to the updates on your journey. Hugs friend ...
    1597 days ago
    You are so great at communicating in your blogs. Your writing makes me feel like; "Oh my gosh, she is just like me in so many ways!" Sometimes I am dumbfounded by my lack of ability to just get focused and productive on my losing weight. I get distracted so easily. And then I get mad at myself and think I am hopeless. I will keep starting over, but I really hope that I will stick to a working plan soon. Thanks for sharing.
    1601 days ago
    Your blogs are always so honest and so full of wisdom even when you are struggling. Not that I'm completely over binge eating, but what helped me get a handle on it, was seeing a therapist. The 'how' will come and may be different at different times, but what I think is most important is the 'why' and once you can identify those reasons and face and deal with those reasons, the how will be much easier. You're on the right path seeking professional help and I look forward to your future blogs.
    1602 days ago
    I totally understand where you're coming from. Calling in the professionals takes a lot of courage and I know it will help. Hang in there *HUGS*
    1602 days ago
  • KSJ040
    Wow...I am in the same boat. My issues through me off course last year and I took a hiatus of emo-eating for months! I just starting to accept some of my issues and confront them and not turn to food as a crutch. It is humbling. It is anxiety inducing. It is hard as hell. But I know that it must be done just as you have come to that same realization. Stay strong and take it minute by minute, then day by day. It helped me to know that I am not the only one with such a battle to fight and I hope my words encouraged you to keep pushing yourself and re-connect with yourself. The first steps are always the hardest. Where there is a will, there is a way. Thank you for your blog today! emoticon
    1602 days ago
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