Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Happy to record 6 lbs down so far. I am a 1.6 pounds from my lowest prior to my fall off the wagon. I am so excited to 'see' that happening the next week or so! Then I can continue to whittle, whittle, whittle. I am waiting a full month to measure inches, because I am an obsessive by nature.
I am feeling self-reflective today and just have to acknowledge to myself that I have yet to find my magic balance in enjoying the things I love and being healthy.
Right now, I am just doing the best I can each day and focusing on that. There is little I like more than seeing my body shrink and the scale go down.- well other than food. LOL. My love relationship with food will likely be something I never get over. I have tried hard to DISLIKE the stuff that is bad for me- visualizations, and logical reminders, keeping up pictures of my goals.-- everything I am supposed to do. I LIKE TONS of healthy foods- that is not my problem. The issue I also love tons of Unhealthy foods. The reality is I just Love eating something scrumptious! and all too frequently I go over board.
I am beginning to accept I am a little like any other drug addict. I will fight this bulge and temptation to over-eat or eat the right things, every day, for the rest of my life. (which has always just depressed me before and caused me to give in- because why be miserable????). It is exhausting to think I will never get over wanting to indulge in something terribly fattening and unhealthy (and at gross proportions).
However, I also know that my desire to remain as fit as possible for my children, for myself, for a better quality of life will never let me give in to allowing That to be my norm. I fight the temptation not out of vanity, but of Knowledge of what it does to my body, my energy, my love life, my longevity and health in general.
I am a long-time binger. I was bulimic most of my teenage life. However, well into my adulthood while I gave up purging with my first pregnancy- I have never been able to completely conquer that desire to simply Indulge beyond excess. I fight it daily. Sometimes I win commendably. Other times I just don't. I have gotten MUCH MUCH better overall at having Tiny binges and not getting insane with it. But I still have not manged to conquer the Yo-Yo. I thought this last effort would be it when I hit an All Time Low on my adult scale- I was SO happy and proud of myself. But first sign of extreme stress that loss stalled- then crept back into the Badlands. I just can't make myself Care when I feel like that. The UPSIDE is that I came out of that place SO much faster, and with a continued 10 lb loss (now 16 pounds) overall. If each cycle leaves me better off, I am still moving in the right direction and I am proud of myself for that.
I don't know if I will ever win the War- but the last few days I have been winning the battle. I am only .4 away from being under the 'obese' mark (again- BAH!!- lol). I feel good physically and I am taking care of myself with lovely and healthy foods.
For today, winning the battle is enough. So I am celebrating myself. (and no not with food- I have been good). Just celebrating myself with Words. I'm proud of you girl- and your Inner Warrior is starting to smile a little as well. Keep it up!
Onward and downward.