Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I have been letting others get to me again - let my system get so stressed that I'm not able to believe in the internal strength I *do* have. I'm still sober, I haven't had to go to inpatient treatment for the depression, but life is pretty icky looking. My pain level can't go down if I don't rest, but there isn't enough help around to really make rest possible. As I tried to "stop" yesterday, I had the opportunity to work for 20 minutes, then had to address something else, then something else, then something else...and by the time sleep time was possible for everyone else, my own pain level meant sleep didn't happen for 4 more hours. I've let the intensity get ahead of me again, and don't have the ability, it feels, to turn it down. Hello, again, 11.
The most pain, currently is from an inflammation of the ribcage lining. It hurts to breathe, but my breathing is good! We're also hitting peak pollen times for the birch trees, which makes being outside miserable. I can't stop the nose flow, though 4 meds do slow it down.
What bothers me the most is being so exhausted that I'm losing words and concepts. The inability to use the English language is something I treasure. To not have my singing voice, recently, felt like torture, but the current swiss cheese loss of words is just flat out infuriating!
I'm also, currently, attempting to socialize more. That means there are people who know more of my story than others, and I haven't had the courage to stand in my strength. I'm sliding backwards since I'm hearing/understanding that I'm not good enough, strong enough, unworthy, don't have a strong enough faith or conviction. No. I don't have enough conviction currently. If I did, I might not be struggling so deeply, but struggles occur. Life is what it is. I want to believe I'm doing what I can do. Sometimes, that's true. Other times, I'm just flat out overwhelmed and not able to see straight. I'm doing pretty good with what's on my plate. I have to believe that, though, and I'm letting other beliefs sway me. No, I don't know how to stop it, currently. Those controls seem to be malfunctioning. :p
How do you understand what isn't understandable? How do you explain a personal life truth to someone who cannot, in the moment or ever, understand your point of view? I'm struggling. I don't want to, but I am. It's just how it is, I suppose. When my pain is more manageable, I hope I'm stronger. I want to believe I am anyway. I keep attempting to make changes, and keep feeling shot down for trying. Two steps forward three steps back. Ugh. I can do what I can in this moment.
Thanks for reading my mop of words. I'm not even sure it made sense, but getting it out was better than keeping it in...or so it feels. My words refuse to work well as I'm speaking, and I want to believe they're working okay. when coming from my brain to my fingers. I just can't tell though.