Monday, May 27, 2013
When I was gain weight rapidly I'd eat anywhere from 2000-3000+ calories a day. Now I'm trying my absolutely hardest to stick to below anywhere from 1330-1500. I know in the past I was able to lose weight at this amount of calories. I just wish I wasn't so dang hungry. Today I was dreaming of eating an entire banquet of food in the line at the grocery store.
At night it's the worse. I take a sleep med that makes me feel ravenous and I know that I won't feel tired until after that feeling of hunger is satisfied. I'm trying so hard not to give into the temptation. I'm trying to eat something super small and light if I have enough calories or just try to ignore it at all. IT'S SO HARD! I have to give it to all the people who have come before me and lost hundreds of pounds because I seriously wonder if I can do this. I feel so lost.
It's really easy to look at myself and think you use to be HOT, now you are nothing. Why don't you just give up. You can't do this again, not with all the odds stacked against you. But I can't think like that. My negative thoughts are the enemy that are going to make this impossible. I've done this before and I can do it again. The courage is in me somewhere. I just need to keep persevering every day and know that it will get me closer to my goal and those cute Hollister jeans I use to love so much.
I keep praying that God will take this hunger away. That the negative thoughts will go away. I need to keep doing that. I can't do this by myself. I need him to get me through this. Right now when I feel like I want to go to the nearest Cold Stone Creamery and gorge myself on sweet cream, cherry filled, heaven I will remember that this isn't forever. One day the cravings for these things will fade and I'll feel better for it.
I feel bad for all the times I've failed in the past. When I said ok this is the week I'm going to really start trying. I'm going to eat less, exercise more. Then my phone dinged with a coupon for a free Texas Roadhouse app and I hopped into my car for a little impromptu gorge fest. (No, that didn't happen last week... Oh, you saw me walking out of there.... No that wasn't ice cream dribbling down my chin. And that wasn't an extra onion blossom that I had them pack for a mid-night snack! How can I stay on track this time? How do I not fall off the wagon every time I see a hot fudge sundae or a bunch of gooey cheese fries! I feel like I will never be able to keep this up. But I will. I have too. Something needs to change.