Sunday, May 26, 2013
The bit of news I heard last night, I decided was really good. I decided it was for the best that everything happens for a reason and that it is time to let bygones be gone.
I awoke this morning the sun was shining, I took my vitamins and made coffee, I sat awhile on the porch, but it was still a little cool, so I sat awhile in the chair and it was just right, or I guess it had to be.
I decided to go for a drive, seeing that there wasnt much to eat in the house, I decided to go shopping.
As I drove, I thought and I thought and I ended up not at the store, but at Fishtrap Dam, or trashtrap as locals call it, as it is, well, littered with trash.
I drove slowly around the Dam, and seen the trash, they push it all up into the corner of the lake so to not interfere with the boats....all that trash in one little corner, and I realized, that is my mind....all that trash, its all sitting there, pushed into a corner, trash so thick, it spills over, into my mouth and my throat and my stomach...into my veins and into my blood until my blood boils and..............
Why did I go there.
Only I alone know.
To think, too much time to think, I think.
Too many thoughts, they still follow me as I go.
Release, be it sweet or bitter....came in the form of water, so so so much water.
I drove some more...no place to go, I didnt feel like shopping afterall.
I didnt feel like going to the park or to the walking track, or to anyones house, oh wait, there is no ones house to go to anyway.
I drove, back home....I decided it was the only place to be really...in my kitchen, I made a burger and a sweet potato with butter.
I was hungry.
Now I am full.
As the food goes down, it pushes the guilt up to the top....so much guilt, it spells out in the form of anger, self loathing, the questions, why did you eat a sweet potato with butter????
Why didnt you go walking?
Why are you such a pathetic loser?
Why did you allow yourself to believe for one minute that you deserved happiness?
Why did you allow yourself to think that girl or that girl or that girl wanted to actually be your friend?
Why would they want to hang out with you???
Why did you eat that sweet potato with butter you are already so fat????
I know, I know.
Why did i not listen.....why do I continue to lie to myself, why do I keep thinking tomorrow is going to be any different than today, there is no change in sight, there are no grand plans for life to be any different.
And the thoughts followed me home again.
I couldnt leave them in the trashy water.
and the next 3 days.....this all consuming noise...like a bee buzzing in my ear.
The pain never goes away....the news didnt change anything.
Did you think it would.
You are still to blame for everything, being fat, being too lazy to walk, not eating healthy, gaining back 7 lbs, not having one damn person who wants to be with you or near you/
And yet, you are soooo funny.
You make me laugh, you always have the witty comeback.
You are the life of the party, except.....you didnt get invited to that party, or that one and you wont be invited to the next one either.
You....just sit right there in that chair, alone with the thoughts, they are your friend now.
You make me laugh!!!!