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A House Is Not A Home...

Sunday, May 26, 2013

As many of you know, Jack was given to me after my brother passed away merely 4 months after my sister was killed in a car accident. They were twins, but my brother made it to his 36th birthday. When he died I told a good friend that I felt like my childhood died. She said she had the perfect remedy and that remedy was Jack! He came to us with his favorite pillow that said "A House Is Not A Home Without A Dog". You can see it and him as the cutest puppy ever on my Spark Page! I didn't know it until now, how true that pillow was. Yes, was. Jack did his Doggie Destructo thing on it and ripped the stuffing out of it and then eventually wore out the "carcass" by dragging it around with him.

As I said before, the house is just too quiet. I miss the tick, tick, ticking of his toenails on the wood floors. I miss the unexpected barks that nearly gave me heart attacks, but were a sign that he heard something I didn't. Besides the name of "Compulsive Kisser" we also called him "Exuberant Greeter" b/c he greeted each guest with howls of delight and ways of urging them to touch him!

I just miss him. I miss him. then I want to call my mom, but can't because she is gone too. Then I want to call my dad but he still has trouble answering and talking on the phone. Each new loss I endure opens all the wounds of the previous losses. And it just hurts, hurts, hurts!

I'm making it. But, I swear I am tired of making it! I don't like crying myself to sleep every night! I don't like hearing my husband cry. I don't like hearing my dad cry. My cheeks are literally chapped from my own tears.

I really don't know how to do it any more. I know I'm not the only one who has multiple losses in her life. I know it. But, I often feel so alone in this grief.

I wanted to share a couple of quotes with everyone:
Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really. ~Agnes Sligh Turnbull
I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better. They fight for honor at the first challenge, make love with no moral restraint, and they do not for all their marvelous instincts appear to know about death. Being such wonderfully uncomplicated beings, they need us to do their worrying. ~George Bird Evans, Troubles with Bird Dogs

They really don't seem to know death. Jack still tried to be the same exuberant greeter and compulsive kisser at the end. I miss him and I think I always will. I'll love another dog, but he was the first that was ours and ours alone. I can still feel his head getting heavy in my arms. His love was so true and so uncomplicated. I want to live by his example, but at times I wish I could just slip into death like he did. But, I have my dad to care for and my husband to try and get fit!! That's a load of work! Miles to go before I'm done.... (Robert Frost)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    My heart breaks to hear of all your tears, but I do remember shedding my own. Just do it until you don't have to anymore. I remember one day being aware of having just happy memories of my lost ones, without the ache in my heart. My prayer is that you will find that soon.
    1697 days ago
    Blessings to you my spark friend. I know the crushing pain that you can barely navigate through at this time. It truly will never go away...but it will get easier to endure. In the meantime you should blog your little heart out about it. It is freeing to take all those thoughts that are rattling around in your head and releasing them to the written form. Heaven knows...I blog as much about the human condition as I EVER do about weight loss and exercise. I feel safe enough to share my emotions here in Spark world...and I hope that the path I have traveled can be helpful to someone else in their own journey.

    It takes guts to be authentic...and I admire your authenticity more than you can ever know.

    Please know that we all support you and yearn for your healing! emoticon
    1697 days ago
    It looks like you are getting tons of support from your SP friends. Here is my support for you too emoticon Some years ago I went through something very similar - many losses in only a few short months. I was very sad but managed to move forward from one day to the next. I thought I was doing o.k. until my DH said to me - You are so depressed I really think you need to get some professional help ! I hadn't even recognized it in myself, but knew he was probably right ( he usually is right about me ). So I took his advice and sought out a counseling service through my church that could help me deal appropriately with death and loss. It helped me want to live again. Maybe it would help you too emoticon
    1698 days ago
    Your home is beautiful, but I know it isn't the same without Jack. I wish I could be there with you.

    1698 days ago
    This is one of my favorite quotes.
    "Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole"
    - Roger Caras

    I am so sorry for your loss.
    1699 days ago
    emoticon I pray God brings you healing & comfort during these times
    1699 days ago
    1699 days ago
    emoticon Melissa. Sharing your feelings, and talking about how you feel is a wonderful way to start the healing process. You will always miss Jack, and your special bond, but the heartache will get easier. We never forget those who love, and you will probably find yourself talking to Jack, just like you did when he was there. Don't worry, he will hear you, and you may feel his little, wet nose on you arm saying "mommy I'm okay".

    It is hard to live without a dog, and their unconditional love. When you are ready, there will be another little fur baby that will be in need of a wonderful, loving home.

    1699 days ago
  • HICIM705
    Melissa . . .keep talking about Jack ... I'm sure that helps you - even if it is just a little. I'll bet that many of us old Firecrackers remember Jack - you always shared tibits of Jack throughout the time that you have been a Firecracker. . .I feel like I knew him - a little. Take care, things WILL get better.
    1699 days ago
  • FISHER011
    emoticon Jack was special & so are you. Peace be with you. You & Jack are in my thoughts & prayers. You will always have your love & special feelings for Jack...that will never change...the memories you have of holding Jack's head in your arms & being with him is special & I hope brings you comfort as it did him.
    Bless you & yours! emoticon

    1699 days ago
    It's good that you're expressing your grief. That's a necessary part of the healing process. Be assured that the crushing grief you feel right now will ease with time. Meanwhile, you need to pace yourself, and take care of yourself. Jack would be distressed to see you so unhappy. He would want to see you having fun, so seek out some fun. Keep the faith that this too shall pass and life will go on for you, and that part of life is embracing change and working through our losses. We are the sum of ALL our experiences, both painful and joyful. Keep turning to us -- we'll be here for you.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1700 days ago
    Melissa, it does get a little easier. You will be able to remember Jack without crying. It also takes time. I am keeping you I my prayers.
    1700 days ago
    You are never alone in your grief. I've been there--complete with the chapped cheeks from crying, and wanting to call my dad whom passed before Sadie. I understand and I'm crying right with you. Please don't be afraid to ask for help.

    I know it doesn't help, but although Jack is not with you physically, he still lives in your heart. He is all the funny, silly, happy memories that you will be able to recall without crying soon. He is the toy on the floor that you're afraid to move because it was his. He is the pieces of fur still in your vacuum. He is with you.

    I'm sending lots of prayers that you will soon find comfort in all the happy memories of Jack. emoticon
    1700 days ago
    I'm so sorry about the grief you are going through. Reading your blogs, I feel like I lost a little something as well. He was a special little guy for sure!

    You have a lot of living to do. Keep leaning on all of us, we are with you in spirit!

    1700 days ago
    Be good to you
    1700 days ago
    I know that you are going to get through all this!!!

    1700 days ago
    Dogs are hard to live without once you are used to having them with you. I have always adopted shortly after losing my dogs. In a way it is a tribute to how much I need them in my life.
    1700 days ago
    Dogs are healing
    1700 days ago
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